Stark realisation that my parents have always disliked me.

JFC that is an horrendous thing to say to your daughter.
I would describe her as spiteful and wicked; perhaps you should tell her that.

Actually, I had a bit of a shock when I realised that I had not liked my mother very much since I was a teenager. You sort of brush the feeling aside because it seems a crazy and dangerous thing to think, but that feeling in my stomach sometimes when she was behaving in a certain way was actually dislike from me. I really pity her, and my father actually, and that sort of stands in for love.

Try one of the stately homes threads; bloody hundreds of them just on there.

Sweetheart, you make sure you love yourself and got someone who loves you. Don't take on just any man.

Such threads only reveal how phony money is

It sounds as though they're not really capable of loving anyone. Only objects that give them status. This must make it impossible for them to gain any real satisfaction from life.

You have described my mother to a tee, @BlueLegume who knew there were two of them? Actually I am sure there's thousands of women like that: partly through social conditioning, partly through dodgy personality type.

I am so sorry, OP, and I am glad that you've actively taken steps to remove yourself from a lot of their crap. And objectively, yes they are dreadful.

I myself am the daughter of a mother who only wanted boys, so you can imagine how well that went.

One of the last things those of us in this situation realise, I think, is the need to parent ourselves.

That’s when we start to be able to protect ourselves, to ensure our needs are met, and to -eventually- give ourselves the unalloyed approval we weren’t given in childhood.

So well done you for getting there. Their inability to love anyone except themselves is all about them. The dream they had of how their life should look is all about them and had no room in it for other whole sentient people. They’d have been happy with a doll.

DM is still affronted that I don’t share her values. It’s a real struggle for her and she had to face it a couple of times in recent years. It was painful for her. But she soon recovered 😉

As a mother of a daughter I’m heart sore for you. Your DM is severely lacking, this isn’t on you, it’s her. I’m glad that you are starting to realise that, live your best life in the knowledge that your life is authentic

It's a horrible way to treat a dc. I have a dm the same. I have found out a lot about narcissism and it rings true for my dm. Cares more about what things look like, what people see rather than their own dc's feelings. They feel inadequate themselves and take strength from criticising and running down their own dc. Throw a few crumbs of affection. But that's all. You'll never be good enough no matter what you do.

What I realised though was it wasn't about me. She was like this before I was born. There's a lot of information on YouTube if you are interested. I think you have to step back to save your sanity. I think you've done the right thing there.

@BlueLegume yes, step right back and have nothing more to do with them. horrible people!

They may not have any love for op. It took me a long time to realise some parents really do not love or even like their children. As shocking as that might sound to healthy parents. Unthinkable but true, it is one of the last taboos.

Op how do you manage their dislike of you?

Have you considered why being beautiful is so important to them? Why being glamorous matters so much?

It is worth looking at why for your own benefit (not theirs) I would imagine your mother especially was under a great deal of pressure, ‘to be beautiful is to be loved’ brigade and the sole measure of her entire existence.

You wonder why they are unhappy? Why their lives lack depth and meaning? Living a one dimensional life that they have been conditioned to live, by their own parents, is actually soul destroying and heartbreaking.

They look at you, bucking the trend by being plain (that can also read wholesome/healthy/your own person/comfortable in your own style) and becoming independent and successfully navigating a career anyway and can’t believe it.

The value they place on beauty and charm means they can’t fathom how others exist or have value outside of their own childhood conditioning. Beauty literally equals love for some people.

Maybe they fear ‘no one’ will love you as you are, or that you are letting them down because you won’t just cooperate and start stepping up. I am sure your mother would love to get her hands on your hair/clothes/make up bag. I am not saying this is the reason, only that there will be reasons they are like this, and it hasn’t got anything to do with you, nothing at all, even if it feels directed at you op.

It’s a testament to your own strength that you haven’t given in, and you remain you. That you are not willing to sacrifice who you are to please them.

The corrosion of self worth is real when you are with them. No doubt they are doing significant harm to your confidence and self esteem.

Instead of celebrating your difference, they choose to be harsh and judgemental. Rather than feeling delighted by your developing personality and ability they chose to only use one yardstick to measure (and beat you with)

The truth is there are many yardsticks out there, thousands - millions and you get to choose which one you use in your life, or you can snap it in two and live your life exactly as YOU see fit.

It is a them problem - not a you problem.

I would be looking at ways to minimise your exposure to such unhealthy negativity, and to surround yourself with those that love you for the very person you are.

Op when I realised in my mud 30s that my mum never loved me, it freed me. It was a very specific conversation. She actually said it and then tried to take it back. But I knew that it was true and that all the years when I had thought it, I was right. And therefore whatever I did, whatever I achieved, she wouldn't be satisfied. It would never be good enough.

I was able to take a step back and view my mother as an older woman whom I would never choose to have a close relationship with and act accordingly. It really did liberate me. I hope that you are able to find your peace knowing what you do about your parents.

They sound awful. And you don’t owe them anything. Are you low contact with them? Also just wondering if you have any siblings, and if so, what are your parents like with them?

I meant do they just strive for superficial appearances or have they been v successful in their careers and received honours for the work they do for charity.
if the first then their opinion of you is v shallow

I can see how painful it is but another way to reframe this might be that they simply didn't know how to express their love for you - without anxiety and concern. Parents often behave badly but often not out of dislike - just being crap parents. Still very hard on you though.

You have something they never had. You have empathy and you know the value of others. That is a lot.

I know people like this. Everything in their lives is glamorous but they are never satisfied, always pursuing some new acquisition that might make them feel temporarily okay. To have an 'ordinary' child who is happy with life seems to frustrate and embarrass them. I've often thought the embarrassment isn't just about the lack of bragging rights their child offers them but because the child has discovered how to be content with life in a way that shows them up as superficial.
It's not your job to please them or give them bragging rights. You just have to live life on your own terms.