Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Elderly parents

Unflip

1 2

Original poster

Supporting Dad in NC Brother’s House

30 replies

Lmnsccb · 08/09/2025 12:29

Elderly Dad has been living in NC brother’s house since 2021 after selling his house to move closer to us for support. Since then, he’s seen various houses, had them surveyed and rejected them when problems were identified.
I can only see him when I take his weekly shop round and make his meals, so can’t give the support that I see he needs as I’m not as present as I was before he moved out of his own home.
Realistically, I think he needs more support, and my brother isn’t providing any, apart from a space to live, picks up his meds, takes him for a daily walk around the block. There’s so much more that needs doing.
I don’t like the arrangement and find it stressful having to go to my brothers house to support him. He doesn’t really speak to me about anything meaningful anymore, just pleasantries, a bit cagey, because he’s living with NC brother, I suppose. I work full time and have to provide an advanced time and date to see my dad, when it is convenient for my non working brother.
Dad has just rejected yet another house.
Would it be unreasonable for me to look at support that he could get from the council list of vetted care services instead? I feel guilty about this but I feel that not having to go to my brothers to see my dad would improve my wellbeing.
Maybe I could pick him up, take him out instead, just be a daughter.
Any thoughts, suggestions? Am I being selfish or sensible to put boundaries in place for my own wellbeing?
Life is already stressful enough without this situation. I can’t see him ever leaving NC brother’s house.

OP posts:

Plethorapeach · 08/09/2025 13:45

Are you trying to exceed what this family dynamic allows for? It sounds like the dynamics are dysfunctional and you are trying to get the outcomes a functional family set up might aspire to.

It sounds like you are trying to put in solutions for your father where you are the person with the problem not your father. You can change your expectations here.

You are NC with your brother just see your father outside of his house then.

The rest leave to your brother and father until the situation changes.

Buntycat · 08/09/2025 13:39

Perhaps your Dad is hoping that his two children will start speaking to each other again. Whose decision is the NC, and is it truly necessary? Would it not be possible for you and your brother to communicate just about the care of your Dad, whom presumably you both love?

I don’t think it would be possible or even right to arrange for strangers to come into your brother's house without his (and your Dad's) agreement.

It sounds as if your Dad should be looking for sheltered accommodation. He already needs help and this may increase quite rapidly.

Original poster

Lmnsccb · 08/09/2025 13:30

Octavia64 · 08/09/2025 12:34

I’m not sure what it is about this situation which ch is upsetting you.

I also can’t tell who is no contact with who.

your dad is living with your brother so they are clearly in contact.

you work full time but go round to see your dad and do his shopping so I’m guessing you are in contact with your dad.

you are visiting your brother’s house so are clearly in contact with him?

either way, your dad seems to have a place to live and someone who is spending time with him every day.

what extra support do you think your dad needs?

No, I’m not in contact with my brother. No contact for nearly 20 years. He goes out, I go in, briefly, to sort my Dad’s meals out, etc.

It is not my preference to have to go to my brother’s house to help my Dad, but I agreed to do it temporarily, whilst he was looking for his own place. This was what my Dad has asked of me. We’re on the same page when it comes to nutrition. He puts in his order from his tick box shopping list and he gets quality food with the best use by dates.

I feel my father needs a higher level of support as things. Dad cannot take care of the area of the house he is living in and my brother doesn’t do any cleaning, laundry, etc.

I said I’d help him temporarily but it’s becoming permanent and not what I agreed to. Hence, my question.

Yes, my dad has capacity, me going to him there is his preference.