Sent this to mum tonight and worried

Just to say that when my partner's mum began to have carers, and subsequently moved into care home, then nursing home, at every step it was a massive relief despite her deteriorating health and the costs etc because the family were allowed to be just that again, family, not nurses and carers. You're doing the right thing opening up the conversation and I think it's a beautiful loving message. My partner was terrified to "put" his mum in a home but it turned out to be a beautiful comfortable setting much nicer than his mum's own home and with all sorts of lovely activities, hairdressers, nurses on site, they sorted out all the prescriptions and doctors came to them etc. Maybe if she was up to visiting some settings it might put her mind at rest.

Nursing homes can be really good places to stay. My sister's MiL was against one but she has to go into one after nearly burning her house down. After all the I'm not going into home arguments they asked her if she wanted to come to them for Christmas it turned into no I'm not we've a lot of things on, carol singing, Christmas dinner, Santa and Christmas films.

Unfortunately she died not long after.

I helped care for my MiL and it was emotionally draining, so I think you've broached the subject beautifully

This bought tears to my eyes. I’m 66 been looking after my husband post stroke for 3.5 years so I relate to your mum. It shows you care. Let her make the decision but you’ve opened up the conversation. My husband has just had another seizure/stroke so I’ve been crisis managing all week and I’m exhausted. His daughters haven’t helped and I’d love (and hate) to get that message ,don’t be upset if she acts defensively no one wants to put their beloved husband in care but sometimes it’s the only choice, don’t push her but let her know your there and supporting her whatever she decides.

I find stuff like this is often best in writing first. It gives the receiver a chance to digest without detailing or shutting down the conversation. Then, hopefully, you can have a more productive and more considered conversation. But be prepared she may still be fingers in the ears and la-la-la can't hear you.

That’s a lovely message and you show your love for both your parents. You are so right that your mum being a full time carer will take a massive toll on her so it’s important to look at all options and see what’s best for your dad and your mum. We had same dilemma and didn’t want to put dad into care but it was totally the best thing and we had 3 years of quality time with him. Taking him for a walk daily and out at weekends between us. Best of luck with your future and making the right decision for you all

I’d like to say this to my DM, OP. It’s so hard. You didn’t get it wrong, that’s a lovely message. But what you’re suggesting is never going to feel like an ok thing to say. I wish it was different.

Hello OP. you are showing such love, care and support for both your mother and father, your message is perfect. We faced something similar 2 years ago when my DF (then 85) had a second stroke. After the first he returned home my DM (then 85) cared for him and carers came in twice a day. After the second stroke which was much more serious, my DM needed my DS and I to 'give her permission'. I said that we would support any decision she made, unless it was to the detriment of the health of her or my DF. After his second stroke we knew that he needed 24 hour nursing care that only a care home could provide - and that my DM's health would suffer if she tried to look after him. We made the decision together and I think that took some of the guilt away from her as an Irish Catholic. He loved the home, was so well cared for, and we went to see him every day. He died in the Spring this year and we miss him so much. It's a very tough decision for a family, but we have no regrets.

Please don't think that you have done it wrong because in fact you've got it completely right. By messaging your thoughts to your mum first you have given her the space and time to consider what you have said without having to immediately reply. You can then speak together in a more informed way. If I was your mum I would be grateful and thankful that you were my daughter.

I haven't seen your other thread but if he is a hoist transfer, he must have double up carers coming in surely. If this is the case your mum isn't doing the main care, the carers are?

This seems totally the thing you’d need to discuss face to face first. I think she’s probably a bit shocked to get a message like this out the blue.

You can of course reinforce by message after you’ve discussed, but not before.

You sound lovely OP, so does your mum. It's a lovely message, dw

That's the sort of thing my young adults and I write to each other. I think it's a lovely message.

Lovely message. Has she got 2 x carers coming in for 30 mins 4 times a day to transfer etc. Cleaning the premises should be seperate claim. So sad for you. They are lucky to have you many don't. Look on Quality Care Comssion to get a feel of which agencies_individuals to avoid. I am in West Oxfordshire if can be of any help. You've got this.i

It’s a lovely message and says wonderful things about your hopes for both your parents. Being a carer is so incredibly hard - we are watching my DM go through it with my DSF (he has early onset Dementia) and are currently desperately trying to get her to have some help.

Sometimes a text is easier than face to face (you have a young family for starters) but also because in a very emotional situation, it can be hard to get the right words out at the right time. By sending a well thought out message that gets all the points you want to make across is a great way of ensuring you say what you need to. Much love to you and your DM.

I haven't been through this (yet) @Cheepcheepcheep so I don't have any practical advice I'm sorry. However after reading both your threads it jumped out to me how your whole tone changed after getting to speak to your Dad's MS nurse and I wonder if she could work her magic and have a chat to your parents now the idea has been floated by you about residential care?

I would assume the MS nurse has been through this decision with many patients of whom you'd expect a large proportion to be reluctant/grumpy/refusing (pick your term or insert your own!) So she might be best placed on helping them to see they can't really continue as they are, plus she will know their options so rather than them seeing it as being separated/an hour a week visit only/mum doesn't care enough to cope/whatever negative worst case scenario your parents are envisioning, she would be able to explain what the future could realistically look like.

If you reread your other thread or remember back to that day you spoke to the MS nurse, do you remember how much better you felt for talking it through with someone who not only got it but could arm you with actual facts, information and a choice of next steps to take. You certainly came across as much more positive and empowered and I believe and would hope the wonderful MS nurse could give your parents the same as she gave you.

In terms of the message you sent i think you hit the right balance between bringing it up as time to seriously consider other options and that you will support them whatever decision they make. I would advise to follow up with a verbal conversation, preferably face to face as tone and facial expressions can give so much more to a conversation than mere text can.

I am receiving very bad news at the moment. All the updates are being done by texts. To me it is preferable. I have time to read and digest the information. I can then think through what I really want to say. I thought your message was beautiful. Your love shone through for both your parents. Ultimately their choice, but it will help your parents to know that you are so supportive.

I would like you find this hard to write partly as in all honesty they really aren’t old -really feel for both of them

What a lovely, supportive message. We all have different ways of learning and absorbing information, whether new ideas or fresh slants on what we already know, but putting a complex situation in writing gives the recipient something they can read, go back to again and think over. You obviously took some time and trouble to compose this message, which shows your Mum how much you love and value her and your Dad and how much you want them to be part of any decisions made about their future. Wishing you and them the very best. 💐

I think you are doing the right thing (my mum also has dementia and is at home and it's genuinely terrible).

There’s a lot for her to take in in that long message. Hopefully you can find time to talk it over soon.

Are you in England? The NHS provide a 6 week care package when someone leaves hospital - it is paid for by the NHS. With hoist transfers you would get 2 carers, probably 4 times a day.

Have they ever considered external carers? Instead of your Mum doing the care? You can request a social care assessment (from the council); they will assess needs, and then if your father’s savings are below £23k then you can go through a financial assessment (of income / savings etc) to see how much he has to contribute to the cost of having carers come to the home.

Sorry if you are not in England (and if none of this applies to you) - I only very quickly skimmed your posts, sorry..

I think its a lovely supportive message, she must be facing a real difficult dilemma, not sure where you are based, but in uk we also have Extra Care housing, which is an alternative to care homes and ideal for couples where one has a care need and one doesn’t, allowing them to both stay together but have onsite care provided as needed

No problem with the text, it was well written and obviously from a place of love. And no problem with it being a text either. I get it, it can be really hard to say everything in person/on phone as it’s so emotional. I sent similar messages to my mum during crisis points, as when speaking she would shut down or be too tearful. She might even appreciate having some thinking time before a follow up conversation. The fear of losing them both really resonated, it’s horrible seeing care take such a toll on a person. My dad is now in care thankfully, so everyone is safe. Rebuilding a semblance of normal life for my mum is hard, she cared for him for 2 years, so letting go after 20 will be really tough, the guilt is so powerful. I hope your conversation goes well tomorrow

I think the letter was a good idea, especially if the idea has been mentioned before. It will give her time to think, rather than feel she instantly has to defend her position of looking after your dad. It’s a horrible position for her to be in, and sometimes it needs a bit of persuasion/pressure on the carer from the people who love them, to almost give them the permission to give up the caring role. Have had a few elderly relatives in similar situations so you have my sympathy. There’s no painless solution unfortunately. Hope it all goes well.