To relocate family nearer to elderly parents.... or not?

Have you asked your parents their thoughts? And your siblings? Talking about changes before they happen makes a big difference. Getting their input on how they see aging, and if you did move there would they have time for you, etc. Do they see your brother's children regularly? See what their vision is their future looks like, and think about what you want for YOUR family until both are our if school.

We moved to the same town as DP’s parents.

Before we moved MIL was so excited, saying she’d love to see the kids more etc. We live walking distance from their house and see them about once a month when they ‘pop in’ unannounced to say hello (inevitably most of us are out!), they talk at the kids and leave after 20 minutes. Never looked after them or taken them out, never babysat, no sleepovers, no interest in the kids interests… They are perfectly nice people, just not very interested in their GKs esp when they were younger and now they’re older, the kids aren’t interested because there’s no relationship there.

So don’t assume the gPs will want to see you any more than they do now!

Just to say if you are assuming a grammar school in Gloucestershire (as the good school down south) I would be very wary! The competition is huge & many children are basically trained from birth to get in.

a smaller house in a nicer area with nicer schools sounds good

The kids are young, so moving will be easier. Do it sooner rather than later.

Looking long term, say 20 years ahead, are you wanting to be in the south? Forgetting the parent factor.

There is NO way I would do this in your circs. Its madness to the point i wonder if you just need externally confirmation so you can put it to bed.

You yourself know in your heart of hearts your parents just aren't that interested which begs the question...why bother...?

You would need new jobs in a very uncertain economic climate as well as a much bigger mortgage when almost mortgage free...(I have a 3 and 1 yr old.and am staring down the barrel of a 22 year mortgage at over 40! I'd bloody love to be within tasting distance of mortgage free) huge to give that up and for what?

The strain of...the house move... the financies....the jobs...the school move... the children... their friends of lack of
...your friends....your husbands friends!... your disappointment at the reality of your family.

Don't do it.

Prioritise your DC and what is best for them. Depending on their ages they may deeply resent you moving them away from their friends.

@Felissia2011 how old are your children? Are they settled in school?? If they are I would think very very hard about disrupting their lives. Yes it would be lovely to move nearer your parents but is it really worth it?

Put the needs of your kids/partner first.

I don" t think that leaving your current home, jobs and schools and disrupting your kids' lives in this way is worth it.

Also remember that if you move closer it is likely they will expect you to take on the role of their main carer.

I would not do it if I was in your situation.

Could you not visit more often?

We moved (partly) for similar reasons, and it turned out my ageing parents have very little interest in their grandchildren - my kids don’t have a closer relationship to them now than they did before we moved. It’s really not a guarantee, especially if they already have full busy lives.

I can see them more often and more casually, which is an advantage - it’s nice to be able to see them for lunch once a fortnight for example, rather than seeing them intensively for a few days like it was when we visited.

It is definitely (and obviously) helpful when they need help - there was a recent health crisis and I was able to step in and provide support/practical assistance. But my siblings who live far away were all also able to help (supportive phone calls, researching medical options, arranging appointments and prescriptions etc), so I don’t think you have to be nearby to play your part in future.

A hard choice for sure - we did have other reasons for moving, so for us it’s been worthwhile, but I don’t think we would have moved just to be closer to them - especially if other family lived nearby so we didn’t feel we had to.

I would look further into schools - they need to be good ones

I wouldn’t. I think there are too many downsides and the potential benefits aren’t certain enough. I understand the ‘urge’ to be near older parents, but my mum moved to be near me and it’s not always great 🤣

If you don’t live where you live but have a comfortable life, I would look at moving locally to a house/area that brings you joy.

I personally wouldn't sacrifice my children's stability and community for ageing parents. As I've grown older I realise that children really value continuity and their friendship and school ties are much stronger than it seems to outsiders. The kids will want to please you of course but don't underestimate how much they are attached to their home community.

But if you want to move you need to do it now - the transition to secondary is crucial so you want to make sure your eldest gets a chance to go through the induction process from the beginning.

ETA we were in this position and decided not to move. Slightly different circs. Both my kids are so happy we didn't. My teenager loves that some of his friends are kids he's known since nursery.

Presumably they still have active lives and given all their other family is there, it might mean they don’t have that much time to spend with you.

It’s a lot to give up and will hugely impact your children for no guaranteed benefit. If the schools are that good, they might not get in and you could find yourself having to do multiple school runs if they are at different places.

I wouldn't. Often at that age they are busier than you imagine and have their own social life and friends. If however you want to move back south then do it for you, not out of some kind of 'duty'
If you'd prefer to be closer to other family for example. You'll need to factor in the huge differences in cost of property moving from north to south and other costs are high too.

My parents are 83 and 88 and in the past year have both ended up in nursing homes. I couldn't have done anything being closer as I work full time. My sister lives closer but also works full time, it's no fun giving up your annual leave !! Distance need not be distant and 5/6 hours drive with that age group just means planning your journeys, possibly staying overnight etc. My ds was very close to my parents as a child, now at 23 he lives 300 miles away and is also working full time.

Absolutely not. Your own lives, and crucially those of your children, are way more important. What if your parents both die within a year or so? Then you're stuck somewhere you don't want to be, for no good reason.
It is not your job to be their carer.... childfree people manage perfectly well, and they have no adult children to rush to their side.

We live next door to my parents in law - by design. They moved in while in their early seventies and about 5 years after we bought our house. It wasn’t to help out with childcare, we had that sorted and youngest DC was in their penultimate year of primary. It’s been really great for all of us and the DC are super close to them. Now they’re older they’ve had lots of health issues recently. I’m not sure how we would have managed if they’d stayed in their old home which is about 1.30h away.

I wouldn't prioritise your parents over your own DC/family. Move if that's where youd rather Iive but otherwise, no

This!

Sorry, I think I mentally inserted ‘to a’ in the middle of ‘virtually no commute, very well regarded local high school’.

I wouldn’t move when the crisis happens, the timing could be awful. What do your DP and DC think about the move? Sounds like a heart decision in your part, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Good luck either way.