To relocate family nearer to elderly parents.... or not?

It sounds like you actually would like to be nearer your family? In which case yes id move , the kids are small and will make new friends. I wouldnt move if it was ‘only’ to be there if your parents need you. Anything could happen on that score, i’d work that out if and when they do need you.

If there are other family who live near your parents then I would stay put. It is simply not worth the upheaval to all the family. Maybe you could make sure to visit more often and to keep in touch on Whatsapp etc.

I am retired and expected to have a jolly time, but was flattened by the death of my OH, then a heart attack - not what I had planned!

Two of my AC live locally and one lives 150 miles away - no way would I expect her to shift her entire family down here to be near me. She is in constant contact and came to stay with me and worked remotely from here to look after me when I had the stent and pacemaker.

I do not have any wish whatsoever for her to disrupt her life for me.

Listen to your head and not your heart. I'd stay where you are and live your life.

Your brain, not your heart, makes the decisions and even if you did move there is only a finite amount you can potentially do anyway for your parents. Carer burnout is a real issue and your family life would suffer too as a result of that.

Can you move to a nicer maybe smaller house in a nicer part of the same catchment, or would your elder child lose her primary pals if you did that?

I appreciate your dps desire not to make long drives but do they still travel eg on holiday? Could you mini-break together sometimes somewhere between the two homes? (Eg the peak district is less than 3 hrs from Gloucestershire I think?)

Depends on everyone's means, abilities and interests of course, but just something else to chuck into the mix

Sorry no way would I move. It doesn’t sound like there is a good enough reason.

I think many people will continue to live far away from parents due to uni and social mobility. So really I think it’s to be expected.

You say they have busy lives.

They knew they wouldn't see much of you so probably made their lives busy.

Do your children have cousins in the South? It's lovely to grow up with cousins.

Just something to think about.

Put it this way, even if you’re an hour away from them, that’s still half a day of your time to deal with any issue. Two hour round trip plus the time to take them to the hospital, GP, supermarket etc. You won’t just be popping in.

The jobs market at the moment is insane. Very little out there, although it is sector-dependent. I don’t think it would be sensible to relocate in the hope of getting a job - relocating for a better job you’ve already got would be different.

It also sounds like your children wouldn’t get a better deal at school and would have to leave friends behind? Would a different house in the same area be a better solution?

Also, be aware that being close to elderly parents can be a nightmare! If you’re working full-time you’re unlikely to be around for what they’ll end up wanting - lifts to medical appointments - whether you’re 250 miles away or on the same street. You can still do a lot from a distance, such as helping them set up food deliveries, book taxis. And it sounds like they might not be available much at the moment to spend time with you and your children if you did move?

You probably have an ok job because let's be fair most jobs have the odd hard day. Your husband works from home. Your eldest child is coming to secondary school age and has a good chance of getting into a good local secondary school. You said they have not found their tribe as yet so to speak. I know a child like this and once they got into secondary school they found their tribe. They are now in university and doing well.

The next thing you said is that your mortgage is not a high amount and will be finished soon. I have friends with teenagers and some are in university. The expenses get higher at this stage especially at the university stage. Getting close to a paid off mortgage gives you a chance to save money for this stage and put more into your pensions also. Then it gives you the option of going part time if you want at a later date.

I have friends with elderly parents. They said that as the parents got older they have this expectation that of course you can call to see them or can drive them to appointments. They don't seem to realise that you have a job or that the kids have things on. I also know parents who despite being in good health, still driving and with plenty of free time don't do anything to help out their adult kids like collecting a child from school or offer to do a bit of babysitting for a few hours to give the mother or both parents a break.

I have seen friends doing elderly care for years and by the time the parent dies they are physically and mentally exhausted. They find that siblings are suddenly to busy, move, change jobs ect and are quite happy to have someone there to do it all.

In your situation you need to think of yourself, your husband and kids and do what s best for you all. I would not be moving near your mother. Then your trying to find a job, disrupt your kids education with no guarantee of getting into a good school and taking on a larger mortgage for a longer time just when your kids are coming into a more expensive stage. This will effect you all long term if you do this.
Also if your current employer is a good one they might be mores flexible with giving you say a few hours off on a Friday afternoon if you need time to go to your mother.

In your situation I would be getting your parents to make their home as age prof as possible ie getting new carpets, installing a wet room and removing stuff they no longer use or need. If they need more help in the next few years you can arrange careers or give other family members time off at the weekends. Get poa for finance and health sorted out as well when they are both in good health.

I think it's a heart decision to see them more, for my children to have a closer relationship with their grandparents, and I would probably prefer to live in the south (I was born and raised there). We have a practical and comfortable life where we are, but I don't love it. I don't love the area and I don't particularly love our house. My job is OK, but could be better, but life is relatively easy. Kids are moderately settled - likewise they don't love it, but have some friends. Life is easy here, but could be better. Or worse!

OP, this paragraph is quite telling - I think your deep down desire is to move back south with your family because that's where you really want to be, regardless of where your parents are!

That's understandable, why not, and the bonus is you get to be near your ageing parents and the rest of the family.

I wouldn't uproot my own family for my parents. My parents moved to us and we moved in laws to our town when they both had dementia. Its a lot for your children to give up.

There’s no way I’d give up a place at an outstanding secondary to take a chance elsewhere. Honestly let go of dutiful daughter guilt and stay put!

If your eldest is just starting year 6 now, then I think it’s too late for a big move? I hadn’t clocked that. But you’d need to be applying for secondaries very very soon (and sitting 11plus if it’s a grammar area very soon).
If you move during the year it will be a case of seeing which schools have spaces, and they won’t be the most popular ones.

I wouldn't move. It's a massive upheaval which doesn't make any sense. If they already have family nearby and are in good health, why would you?

TBH it sounds like you’ve left it too late to plan a move. You have to apply for secondary schools by 31 October - not sure how much flexibility there is if you’re moving house but it’s looking a bit risky. Have you checked the timelines?

What does your DH think? How would the move affect his job?

Your posts are focused on your head/heart, your older parents, does your DH have a preference? Is he also originally from Gloucestershire?

Sounds like you need/ want a change and if thats the case, then figure out what that is, but don’t let the daughter guilt cloud your vision.

🧐🧐🧐🧐😵‍💫🫤

Sounds like shes sending a different message to "i dont want to be a burden"

I think the poster who said you want to move fron current location has it. And I think you should listen to your mother and do what you want and whatsits you and your family....

Could you plan a holiday with them soon - do they do that? October half term? It sounds like you’re really missing them and that’s absolutely fine. Tbh a week of more time with them might ease these feelings a bit…

Honestly it sounds like you don’t much like where you are, but that doesn’t mean a move to nearer your parents makes sense! It may still be sensible to move but somewhere else….