what dealing with elderly parents has made you think you will do differently?

I worked as a gardener before I retired. Almost all my clients were retired people whose gardens had become too much for them. Good reliable gardeners are hard to find and not cheap. A lawn and a hedge are not low maintenance.

My experience of my client, parents and now myself is this :-
When you downsize get the smallest garden/courtyard/balcony you can (or a shared garden that is maintained by a resident's committee) and if you're a keen gardener get an allotment or volunteer in a community garden. It makes for social exercise and, when it becomes too much you can turn off the responsibility like a switch.

Stairs in the house are a bad way of keeping fit. Don't have stairs and get your exercise in other ways - walk, swim, cycle, join a gym. You can't magic the stairs away when they become too much.

Keep fit. Above all else - keep fit. Get strong young and stay active and strong. Don't think you can get fit when you retire....it gets harder to get fit and build strength every year.

Build a good network of friends, family, tradespeople around you.

Future proofing your house is a good plan, but shit still happens. The most useful person you can find is a good, local, reliable handyman/woman who will help you when your window breaks/drain blocks/mattress needs to go to the tip.

We moved into a new build bungalow last year, from a three storey Victorian money pit. We got rid of loads of possessions and have minimal stuff. We have made new friends where we live, we made this move when we still had the energy to do it. We have two dogs, one a young spaniel, so keep fit that way. Love love love our new house. We are 72 and 67

We’ve similar to you, @GenieGenealogy , early 50’s with older children and three parents in their 80’s between us. Our parents haven’t done too badly planning for their old age tbh.

Personally, I think we’ll downsize as we live in a rambling terrace and it won’t be practical when we’re older. What we’ll do differently to our parents is be less emotionally reliant on our children (my Dad pours everything out to me and it can be upsetting sometimes. I’ll talk to friends or keep my mouth shut) and be more willing to move than my in-laws. Their house is on one level with a basement so that’s easy, but it’s too large and my MIL told DH that she’d like to move to a local assisted living facility now- but FIL refuses. My in-laws also have far too much stuff. They’re tidy, but they’ve bought an extra shed for storage! I’m sure most of what they have is unnecessary and it’ll be a job sorting everything out in the future.

@Recycledblonde Yes, my Dad (87) had to move, steps up to the front and back doors, plus a sloping garden. He had multiple falls when his mobility was declining. Luckily he was OK. He moved into an over-60’s flat in the centre of a bustling town and loves it. Everything is in his doorstep and there’s lots going on in the development itself.

When we were looking at houses I refused to contemplate any houses with steps upto the front door, steep sloping drives or gardens and no open work stairs, definitely no spiral staircases! As a paramedic I’ve seen far to many older people have horrible falls.

We always talked about moving somewhere when DD leaves but I think we will stay and then move to a bungalow. DH is a terrible hoarder though and brought all the crap from his parents place into our house, I desperately want to Chuck so much of it!

We have stairs. MIL lived her whole life in a ground floor flat and even by her 50s seemed to struggle with stairs, so I do want to keep having them for as long as possible.

The main thing I will do is not be my PIL. They spent decades talking about retirement. Then the moment they did they did nothing, went nowhere, did nothing, still shopped on a Saturday. Tried to encourage them to go away, use their bus passes, just not interested. Just slept in and watched tv. Neither of them lasted long afterwards.
my neighbour is 86 and has been widowed for 15 years, she goes out everyday apart from Saturday. Uses her bus pass, goes shopping every week day, Sunday she goes to church. Has other activities. Says the structure keeps her going.

I fancy a nice flat/apartment in a city...
Loads of things to do, good public transport, access to hospitals etc

Keeping on top of the clutter, and reconsidering our 3 storey house at some point. The final set of stairs (loft conversion) are really steep and tbh it’s knackering, even now!

The other one is private medical insurance; my mum made my dad get it, and despite the cost it’s paid for itself for a knee replacement and cataract ops in both eyes. The NHS waiting lists for these locally were 1+ year, at which point Dad wouldn’t have been able to walk anywhere and would t be allowed to drive as his cataracts would have been too bad. Getting both done had enabled to keep him independent and mobile

A downstairs loo.

Stop driving before you become a liability.

But, there's only so much you can plan for. Seriously debilitating illness and or accidents are impossible to predict. I found that out the hard way in my 50s. All the the eventualities I had spent time worrying about were wiped out by the big one I did not see coming. We are not in control of everything at any point in our lives.

I’m 59, DH is 57.

We have already started to declutter and have a Swedish death clean. We didn’t have a huge amount of stuff but it’s things like books, if I’m not reading them again then they are off. DH has cleared his office at work and has the equivalent of 2 Billy bookcases of academic books. He will be selling and giving them away.

Share passwords, I’m not doing joint finances, it’s too complex due to individual investments.

Need to change our will as DD died and also do some Inheritance tax planning though I’m putting it off due to possible changes.

IT is no issue for either of us, both of us though mine was at a far more basic level can do computer programming.

We want to move but await DS to settle so we can be within around 30 minutes. We have retired early. All I know is both DS and his current GF have zero desire to move down South thankfully, I don’t want to go back.

I chose a house that was a short flat walk from the shops you need for day to day living (full size supermarket, pharmacy, majestic wine) and despite have stairs, it was designed to accommodate a stair lift if required and ground floor has flat entry. Bus to the city centre in 2 minutes walk away too

Great list. I'd only add that it's ok to have sep savings but have POV.

Also, sell pointless shares in formerly nationalised industries for peanuts amounts of money.

Re tech - my Dad was mid 90s when he passed away a few years ago so tech wasn't really his thing and I would not have pushed this. I don't feel the same re retired colleague age 73 who doesn't have a smart phone.

Dd and I were talking about my dad and his house just last night. She remembers it before it became so run down and was asking me why it happened over the last 7 years. In all honesty I would like to know too - after his parents died and he moved in he just neglected literally everything.

Keep not just paperwork in order, particularly if you want to stay in your own home as long as possible. I have no idea what I will do when he becomes too infirm to live alone.

Not retire to an ‘idyllic’ coastal / rural place with no train station, no decent public transport, no GP in the village, 2 temperamental taxi drivers servicing a huge area, no local care workers, most neighbours second home owners or equally old and frail, and an hour away from a hospital .

All this was brilliant when my parents were first retired, but quickly became a nightmare and doubled the difficulty in supporting them. At least.

Wills done
LPOAs in place
Dh and dc know my wishes after my death
I'd like to downsize at some point - dh not too keen on this idea!
I do need to get added to the utility bills just in case.
After my dad died, (10 years ago..) we started a joint bank account.
Think that's all we can do, really.
My mum moved to a ground floor flat after she began to struggle.
I'm grateful for that. I don't worry about her falling down stairs or on the uneven garden paths anymore.
I wish that my pils had taken steps years ago but 🤷‍♀️
It's all rather come to a head recently...which it usually does.

We spent six months skipping and tipping the contents of PIL house last year. Their approach to getting older and minimising the burden on adult DC has left a very bitter legacy.
We already have the POA, wills etc in place. Are decluttering gradually and will downsize in the next few years. We also refuse to live like paupers, not spend to enjoy and die leaving over £1m assets that goes largely on care fees and the tax man. Will start drip feeding away to family long before then to benefit the next generation.

I have been through this in the last 5 years with my parents and this year was widowed unexpectedly. So it's high on my list of priorities making my place safe to live in if/when I get old and frail and equally not full of decades of "stuff" so moving is extra complicated.
my plan (age 61)
i live in a bungalow anyway, but the garden is a handful as it is. I plan to get the layout better and more lawn so it's easy to get round with a ride on mower.
needs a major refurb so that will happen, get it all up together so when it needs to be sold it can be without too much difficulty. Currently decluttering and attempting to reclaim the garden as not much got done in the first half of this year due to my husbands illness/death. Then start planning the refurb and getting necessary planning permissions etc with a view to that being next years big project.
TBH I think I will keep my eye out for somewhere smaller locally to downsize to and not stay here for ever. But not a sheltered flat with high service charges that is near impossible to sell after I'm dead.
Regarding future proofing houses (and what my parents didn't do) a downstairs bathroom is essential if mobility becomes a problem plus a downstairs room that can be turned into a bedroom without too much upheaval. Room for a lift/stairlift without major upheaval also good. Their house was too cluttered (hoarded to some extent) with a tiny downstairs loo that you couldn't get into with a walking frame. You need to be able to get in with one of those and turn it around as a minimum.

POA and a will are on my to do list.

Keep fit and strong, walk a lot and maintain my balance and posture. My mil is strong as an ox but totters about all over the place, my DM is more the mountain goat type but her posture is awful.

Get a cleaner and always have a reliable handyman and trustworthy tradesmen. And keep learning how to do things around the house, so even if I can’t do them, I won’t get too stressed about it as I’ll have an idea what the job involves.

Keep up to date with technology, within reason - never think ‘I don’t need to learn this’.

Get a hearing aid the moment I need one, and wear it!

I’m late 50’s. Plan is to redecorate now and stay put until I can retire, as work is nearby. Then move to a place on all one level or minimum stairs, nearer to adult DC’s and get that place up to scratch by 70.

Also, I’m thinking about whether to remove evidence of my life before DC from paperwork , personal belongings etc., or if it doesn’t matter once I’m gone!
I don’t want them being too shocked 🙂 and I’m quite a private person.

What do people think about this?

Having been through this recently I feel that I'm going to attempt to declutter regularly enough that there isn't days worth of sorting to do. Particularly of items that seem sentimental but perhaps aren't. I wouldn't expect my children to care about a vase my nan gave me. The balance is I don't want to clear everything that gives me joy so I think I may be very clear that I don't expect anything to be kept but that they are welcome to anything.

I also have all passwords written down and a list of bank accounts etc. we will set up POA when DC are old enough

I think having access to downstairs toilet (as a minimum but preferably a shower) is so much more important than you think. Ideally yes the ability to have a downstairs bedroom but if it comes to it you can just add a bed to an existing room. Even a relatively small trip can result in stairs not being doable and I I see so many people limiting drinks so they don't need the toilet too much as they don't want to have to go up and down stairs.

Depending on where we live I will consider down sizing but I do want to be able to host if needed and so I'd prioritise making sure the space was livable and I'd pay for help if needed (garden and indoors)

My df died when I was young, but a few years ago I helped my Nan downsize and move closer to my dm, then she needed more support so was moved to a residential home. Then dm decided that she would move into the flat that nan had left empty so we downsized her (sorting out a 4 bedroom 3 storey house to achieve this).

when dm died it was fairly easy to sort her things as we’d done a good job when she’d moved. My IL’s asked what they could do to help - I replied - sort your house out! They laughed and have done absolutely nothing about it. They have a 5 bedroom house with garage and sheds. Every nook of storage is full, the loft has every set of curtains, rugs, light fittings etc that they’ve ever had in that house (they’ve been there over 50 years). They are no longer able to get into the loft, the shed or the garage safely. I’ve made it clear that I won’t be doing it - it’s up to DH and bil. BIL thinks that what I’ve said is ’unfair’ as ‘you’re so good at it’. It’s not happening.

Our house is clutter free and well maintained- I intend to keep it that way. We have space for downstairs living and wills and poa sorted. Next is funeral planning but at 48 I keep putting that off.

I'm in a similar position to OP. The health of both my parents declined very quickly. Mum's health became a problem earlier so Dad took care of all the finances/utilities/insurance and other household admin/practicalities. This meant that unfortunately when Dad died unexpectedly Mum didn't know how to access most things. I'm still in the process of helping her sort things out and it's made a difficult time much harder. Mum's now alone and quite isolated as she doesn't drive, has mobility and other issues, and does not have friends living locally. She relies on me quite heavily and really wants to see me more regularly but as I live 2 hours away this is not easy.

My list of things I plan to do is:

1. Always have all bills, insurance policies etc in joint names (unless there's a really good reason not to). All finances in joint names unless there's a reason not to.
2. Keep a book/file with details of where to find important documents, who to contact, account names etc for everything. If this might be a security problem, leave it with a trusted family member. Include small things as well as the big stuff (eg TV subscriptions, broadband provider etc)
3. Make the most of early retirement, when I am (hopefully) fairly fit and well. Do things I want to do, make new friends who live nearby, get/build on some hobbies of my own. Help friends and family if I can, but don't put my own life on hold to make things easier for other people who probably won't want to help me if when I need it.
4. Consider whether my family home would be an easy/pleasant place to live if I was alone and could not drive- eg. are the local activities/shops/community groups, do I have friends/family locally. As well as considering how accessible my house/garden could be. If I conclude that it would be a miserable, lonely place if I was alone and could not drive I would make plans to move early on in retirement so that I have time to become part of a new community whilst I am still active. Or if the area's right but the home is not that accessible, make a plan or some easy changes early on.
5. A pp mentioned living no more than 3 miles from your most competent child. Whilst I would not want to put on my children, I think there is something in this. I think it's inevitable that if we become elderly and vulnerable we will all want to see our children and our children will probably want to help us. I think a move, whilst independent and well, to be closer to the family member/s most likely to help in a crisis would be a good move. In my case, my siblings live closer to Mum but don't help her (they are still hoping she'll recover and resume helping them instead- but that's another thread!). If she lived closer to me, I could pop in and check on her each day but she doesn't want to move at this stage in her life.
6. Whatever home I plan to stay in through to old age, remodel the bathroom and kitchen in my late 60s to be 'old age proof'. Eg. built in eye level cooker rather than a lovely range style cooker that I need to bend to put food inside, a walk in shower big enough for a chair if in case standing, getting in to the bath is difficult, shower adjoining a wall sturdy enough to fit grab rails if necessary (I've just learned that mum's isn't).
7. Try to keep on top of technology, even if at a fairly basic level. This is a tricky one, but Mum has always wanted to do everything in person or over the phone and lots of places won't do this now. It would be much easier if she could use a computer/phone to order her own shopping, prescriptions, look up information etc. Instead half a lot of the time I have available to spend with her is taken up doing these things for her, or taking her to the bank to make transfers because she won't have online banking and places won't take cheques. It would be much nicer for both of us if she could do things online and more of our time together could be for fun things.

We are in our mid 60s and moved from a 5 bed house to a huge 2 bed flat 6 years ago.

Our criteria was to move whilst it was still fun! Had tons of work done in the flat after living with it for a few months to see what worked and what didn't. Full rewire and re-plumb. We have a good sized balcony with pots and table for 4 to 6.

We are on the third floor with a lift so try to use the stairs most of the time currently.

Both of our parents lived in what proved to be unsuitable homes in their old age.

We hope not to go into a home for mobility reasons

Our flat is also super easy to clean. Lots of built-in cupboards.

Beginning at a point before what I'd describe as the decline, MIL had a new hip in her mid 80s. She made a great recovery but it did lead to he stopping driving. Her vast living/dining room was L shaped and that became her bedroom. One of her previous expensive renovations was downstairs facilities so she lived from that time downstairs mostly even after recovery.

She started feeling under the weather after Christmas about two years before she passed away. By this point she wasn't having meals delivered and she was out and about on the bus etc. Very sociable person. SIL discovered some of the extent of her debt, but not the full equity release nightmare at this point because temporary carers were suggested. The SILs went with her to GP, DH and I thought this was to help with diagnosing why she felt feeble. However, they had got him to recommend moving into retirement accommodation.

She agreed, but leaving friends behind was difficult and everything happened at lightening speed. In those 8 weeks no further progress with diagnosis was made. Eventuallly, she spent a few months renting retirement property and still not really feeling better before a fall and transfer to a nursing home. Finally, some diagnosis of blood disorder but too slow and too late and she slowly faded away between hospital stays.

Looking to move to a bungalow by our mid sixties. My balance is poor and I have already fallen downstairs a few times over the years. I definitely want to avoid that risk as my bones inevitably become that bit more fragile. It's about location, really. Friends and wider family are more or less settled, but adult DC are just starting out.
Most bills are solely in my name, so that needs to change. All but very small purpose-led savings pots are in joint names. We'll need to balance the convenience of easy access should one of us become seriously incapacitated against the need to reserve some cash for the remaining spouse if one of us needs to move to a care home. Better look into that.