what dealing with elderly parents has made you think you will do differently?

But the point is that it doesn’t have to be! If you keep a reasonable working knowledge of tech as you go along you will continue learning the skills you need to adapt. A lot of tech skills are quite transferable.

Tech is all well and good but bear in mind we will also be totally clueless as to how to use new tech when we are older. There's an amazing (and slightly terrifying) cartoon strip, I think called 'Obsolete', about an old man in the future who is totally befuddled because phones are now tiny floating orbs, scams have become evermore sophisticated and the Internet no longer exists- and that is 100% going to be all of us when we're old!

The major crises for my parents have been health.
The size of the home hasn't impacted.
The work is in taking to appointments sorting pills, food, laundry, admin.
Having the family home means DB and I can stay in a crisis then go home when calmer.

What would have helped is simpler financial affairs and being able to use tech.

To add I saw a few bungalow posts. My parents did eventually downsize last year to another house but with a stairlift. Wouldn’t have considered a bungalow. Dad died within 3 months. Mum now needing carers almost 8 hrs a day and they won’t navigate her on/off the stairlift as it’s too dangerous (2 man job and they don’t have capacity). Therefore she’s moving into a home next week. Had she been in a bungalow we might have been able to keep her at home.

Have had such a difficult time with my parents in their refusal to look ahead and plan that I want to make sure I don’t do that to my son.

Declutter
Keep wills updated
Sort a POA both financial/health
Keep our ID up to date
Do all major work on house
Downsize before we actually are too frail
Get help/carers if we can afford when suggested
stop driving when son thinks we don’t have capacity - I trust his judgement

Also…keep strength training and generally active

Definitely made us strongly reconsider having a baby in 40s and appreciate the kids we already have. My MIL was 46 when she had her last child and I've seen impact her loss of mobility and her younger kids - who already lost their dad young - feeling overwhelmed by doing stuff for her several times a week when they are having full time jobs and toddlers.

Also I know I need to take my health seriously with muscle-tone maintenance but I can't be arsed with walking and exercise. Pathetic.

Thank goodness, MIL is very organised and keeps her house as uncluttered as possible.

My parents downsized about 8 years ago, from a large bungalow to a smaller one. Location is spot on right next to a bus route, shops, doctors, restaurant, leisure centre all within 10 minute walk. The live right in the middle of all their 6 kids (all within 15 minutes) so have lots of support and company.

my FIL has refused to downsize from his 4 bed detached. Complains it’s too big and the garden is too much to manage. Starting to cut back on drying but lives 30 minutes to the closest amenities. Ge also complains he has no money and his bills are high but his house is worth 600k. It’s very frustrating.

Twenty months on and I'm still dealing with the legal nightmare that my mum left behind. And we've only recently managed to get rid of all her stuff.

So I'm in the process of creating a file which contains every detail and every document that my kids will need when I die (I'm widowed, so there's no partner to pick up the slack). I'm also NOT leaving them with a spiteful and insane executor (fortunately that person eventually renounced) and I won't be leaving complex investments that turned out to be scams. Nor do I plan to leave hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of debt.

Oh, and I'm trying to declutter.

I walked miles when I lived in a bungalow because all the rooms were sprawled around down a long corridor.

I did all of that and have had a heart attack - and needed a stent in my right coronary artery - and my heart rhythm has gone haywire so I have a pacemaker....

Best laid plans eh?

Wish I had eaten, drunk, smoked and made merry!

Re; 'bungalow legs' - falling is one of the main factors in sudden decline in health amongst the elderly. We are all told to do everything you can to avoid falling as it hastens decline, and stairs are a serious problem when one loses stability (which is why a lot of older people chose to live in a bungalow)

I'm a little concerned with some of the rather judgemental opinions some people have expressed. Living in a bungalow (I don't, btw) is not an excuse to be idle, or a sign of frailty. It's often a deliberate choice to make living easier at a time when things are getting harder. Who in their right minds wants to risk falling downstairs because they are unsteady on their feet or their eyesight is not as good as it used to be?

If you can run upstairs and down while carrying the week's washing under one arm etc, all well and good, but age (and infirmity) have a nasty habit of creeping up on you when you least expect it. Just a thought.

It’s similar to exercise done whilst WFH vs going to a workplace. If I WFH I could easily not leave the house unless I make myself go for a walk. The kettle is a few metres from my desk. If I go to the office I walk 10,000-15,000 steps during the day including multiple sets of stairs.

It’s quite dependent on what other activity you do. But, as happened with my relative, if you go from living in a house with bedroom and bathroom upstairs, so you have to go up and down several times a day, sometimes carrying things to a bungalow where all those rooms are within a few metres of each other, then you’ve removed a chunk of exercise from your life.

For someone who is reasonably active it won’t make much difference, but for someone quite car dependent, like my relative, think about it in terms of the reduction in exercise done each week.

My DDad got into bad habits with eating and drinking in his 70's. He and my step-mum ate out at greasy cafes and ate convenience foods at home. He enjoyed a vodka and red bull or a sherry or Baileys on a daily basis. My step mother died of a massive stroke in her early 80s and my DDad developed a twisted bowel. His general health, including diabetes and heart problems, probably made worse by his bad habits, meant that he didn't survive the operation. I think that they could both have lived longer and in better health if they hadn't been so self indulgent. I am trying to be healthier.

We signed POA for my parents a few years ago. They were both clear they do not want their lives to be preserved if they lose mental capacity, I'll certainly look at doing the same in coming years. Sadly my mum, with various health problems, isn't likely to live long enough for that to become an issue, it's my dad I worry about more.

Am curious about bungalow legs. I can't see how this is a real thing if you aim to stay active anyway? Both sets of GP lived in bungalows for over 50 years and never developed mobility issues, outside of the normal ageing process.

I’ll do some decluttering, but I don’t want a minimalist home, I never have. Dds have already been very firmly told to get a house clearance firm in when the time comes - having taken anything they might want, or which is valuable - I have made a list of such items.

Having cleared houses myself, I know all too well how hard, tiring, and emotionally stressful - it so often is.

Stairs are IMO important - I saw what happened to my DPs, still only in their 60s, after 3 years in a bungalow. But their relative fitness did return once they moved back to a 2-storey,

Our house is not too big or unmanageable, and the garden is small, but if and when I’m left on my own I will certainly downsize to a flat - preferably on the 1st floor, with stairs.

We have had wills and Ps of A in place for some years now, and have added paragraphs to state in which circs we do NOT want any ‘striving to keep alive’. Dds have also been told that if and when -God forbid - it’s needed, to have absolutely no qualms about putting either of us in a care home. Dh and I have seen far too much of dementia to wish any such burden of care on dds.

Unfortunately hope is not enough. My DPs said for years they didn’t want to be a burden when they needed care and what do you know, the minute they did need more hands on support I have been expected to provide it in spades, with suggestions of additional paid for care being refused.

We have a DS rather than a DD so maybe he won’t feel as obligated when the time comes, but I want to put it in writing that he makes the decision about what care is needed, particularly if one of us isn’t fully compus mentis any more, but enough to pass a doctors test.

I just hope I don't live longer than I'm independent as I never want to be a burden on my kids. I'm in my 50s and I know too many people struggling with elderly care.

I’m on team stairs as well. There’s a thing called ‘bungalow legs’. Older people move into a bungalow or flat and quickly lose the ability to manage stairs altogether. I’ve heard of people who can’t visit friends or family any more because there is only an upstairs loo. However, stairs or steps INTO your home are a bad idea and can delay eg hospital discharge. The ability to sleep downstairs if necessary is important too.mre all your STUFF, hold onto it if you want to and if you can.. It’s the chronicle of your life. I’ve suggested my kids just hire a skip or house clearance when we shuffle off.

I’m down to MIL and she is in palliative care. Between my parents and FIL I’ve experienced very long drawn out death and one was exceptionally sudden. Between them my main lesson is don’t put things off…be it wills, POA, clear outs, holidays, experiences, time with the ones you love…as you just never know, none of us do.

For my own part, wills/POA and life books (download free from Age UK website) all done and accessible to those who need it, they also have their own copies too.

I didn’t think I had a lot of stuff, until I started clearing through it all! I’ve just finished with loft…now only have 3 boxes up there which I’m happy with … goal though is to have it completely empty in the next 6 months though then I don’t need to think about it again.

I plan on downsizing as soon as DS is settled and on his path. Currently 4 bed semi double storey…a 2 bed will more than suffice.

I am a single parent, I was 41 & 42 when I had my DDs. They are in their teens now and I really want to live long enough to see them settled in their own lives. I don’t drink or smoke, I exercise regularly, have a healthy diet and pay attention to my stress levels and wellbeing. My parents were the complete opposite and suffered health wise in their sixties and seventies. I have a financial enduring POA set up in favour of my considerably younger sister. My DM developed dementia in her late sixties, early seventies. She lived with us for several years and is now in a nursing home beside us. I will absolutely be using Dignitas if this should befall me. I would never put my DDs through the pain.

Forget planning funerals - you won't be there in person and funerals are for the living

I would disagree, but it’s a personal thing, I’m not saying I’m right and you’re not. DH and I were at the funeral director this morning for MIL and it was hard enough without flicking through catalogues of coffins etc. she’d picked all of that, where it would be done, hymns etc we were 30 mins in and out and I still cried like a baby.

Certainly seeing the difference between my parents, mid 70s, don't exercise, and my in-laws, late 70s, have exercised a lot, has made it clear to me that the most important reason to exercise is keeping physically fit later in life. My parents are much worse off physically, though admittedly my mum has a chronic illness as well, so that's obviously the main issue for her.

My grandfather remarried late in life after my grandma died - he died a few years ago and my step grandma sadly has dementia. Luckily he had arranged for her to be well covered for her care, but it did make me think that if I were separated or widowed I probably wouldn't remarry late in life because I could cope personally and financially and I wouldn't want to risk my kids potentially being landed with responsibility for a step-parents' care. Or I would only be with someone if they/their kids were in a position to cope with them needing long term care so it wouldn't have to become my kids' problem in any way -unless they wanted it to be. Obviously I'm happy for my step grandma is being looked after but I get the feeling my dad feels a bit resentful that some of the money he feels should have been his/ours is going to her care. As far as I'm concerned, she gave a lot of love and care to my grandfather in his final decades and it's only right he ensured she'd get good care.

i totally agree about preparing for not driving - if we move it is totally my intent to stay right next to a high street with cafes, shops etc in staggering distance. The last thing I'd want in retirement is a quiet country cottage. That said, if self-driving cars do ever become a reality, it'll be a game changer for the elderly.

We are making similar choices. Both in our early 50s and renovating our house, but already taking our own aging into account with the design and furnishings.

Currently looking after my elderly DP, and two big things for me to do differently: strength training as I have OA, and insisting I keep up with the latest technology. Otherwise I’m going to end up in the same helpless position as my DP.