what dealing with elderly parents has made you think you will do differently?

@BlueLegume I'm sorry you had difficult parents all your life, so your situation is different. But I have friends with lovely parents, who seem to think that they should be dictating to them what they should do, rather than having a calm and empathetic conversation. It's as though people are expected to lose all agency regarding their lives when they hit 70.

If you want people (in any situation) to listen to you and come round to your way of thinking, you need to do it sensitively. Getting old and losing independence is really really hard. So the adult kids are going to get a lot further with their suggestions if they recognise their parents emotions, and accept that their parents don't want to be dictated to any more then they would.

@saraclara what about having listened to your parents over decades telling you ‘we will never be a burden’ etc etc and then absolving themselves of any self responsibility and refusing to make reasonable decisions to ensure you are not having to drop everything and deal with their unrealistic expectations of you as a middle aged person with your own busy life? My parents dictated to me my whole life what they thought of me, demanded I dance to their tune at various stages of life only to then dump their mess on me. It broke me and I have had to step back.

I listened and listened to ever increasing ridiculous things…. We don’t want ‘bungalows knee being one of the most ridiculous even though they struggled up a steep staircase. Refusal to have a cleaner as ‘oh Blue we would rather pay you’. Same with the garden - huge high maintenance-again could you and Mr Blue not poop in and do it for us - again we will pay you. All on top of us having our own lives and family and living an hour away which we have done for 35 years as we moved to be near our work.

Id add to this, actually listening to your adult children and not acting like they are small children who know nothing

And I'd add, for the adult children:
actually listening to your parents and not acting like they are small children who know nothing. And also try to have some empathy with them for how hard it is to leave one's home, with all its memories

Perhaps they have been suggesting it, but as with so many on this thread/board she doesn’t feel ready yet 🤷‍♀️

We have a neighbour across from us and I’m upset her family haven’t pushed her to move. She is in a 3 bedroom house alone with an upstairs bathroom. She has been widowed for a long time, her children moved out 30 years ago.
She likes being outside but now is struggling with the steps at the front. A bungalow would give her so much more freedom. I do believe you need to keep using stairs as long as you can but there is a point if it’s stopping you being mobile.

Id add to this, actually listening to your adult children and not acting like they are small children who know nothing. We had endless grief with DHs mother that even in our 40s we apparently had zero experience/knowledge of anything. We even took a friend round who was a hospital consultant and she acted like he knew nothing and was still a kid when he was explaining some medication.

I honestly think moving to a more manageable home is vital but is there ever a right time?
We have done it probably due to the car crash we witnessed of our own parents terrible decisions to stay in houses far too big and far too hard to manage. Did we do it too soon - no. We did it when we knew our adult kids had properly flown the nest. Lots of our friends were shocked and thought we were ‘too young’ but the reality was our lovely old home of 30 years was starting to need a full refresh which would have cost a lot. Selling it to a new family made sense. It also meant a huge declutter which I found very cathartic. Will were very fortunate in what we found and it is absolutely fabulous having a brand new everything. It is low maintenance and close to all the things we need including a mainline train station and good bus routes.

Not there yet with parents, but dealing with grandparents made me think I will move to somewhere without stairs BEFORE I'm 90. They did it, to their credit, and without much grumbling even, but they were so old and frail it was all very tough on them.

This is a brilliant idea!
For the last 5-10 years all I have heard from DPs is “we don’t want to be a burden, just chuck us in a home when the time comes”.
Well here we are and the time is nigh. I don’t think they are ready for a home yet, but handing over the car keys and agreeing to get support above the bare minimum would make their lives and mine so much easier, but will they agree to it. Absolutely not.

I have POAs in place, my will is up to date and my children know where to find them. I’m focussed on making sure every bit of relevant paper is in order and where it should be, and that maintenance on the house is kept up. I don’t want my children to be left to sort out a muddle

I am thinking of writing myself a letter and passing it on to the DC for safekeeping so they can give it to me when theses issues arise:

• if your kids say you are no longer safe to drive, listen to them & open an account with a taxi firm instead.
• if your kids say you need extra help around the house & can afford it, do it. You will be able to find nice people.
• Listen to your kids, they have your best interests at heart.

This is the thread I have been meaning to start for ages!

I told DH that however we feel physically and mentally, we will be downsizing when I am 70.

I have also started decluttering (we've been in this house 20 years).

No time to read the rest of the thread right now but looking forward to coming back to it!

While I would totally respect your views, I personally would be really upset not to be able to say goodbye to a dear friend or aunt in a way that was meaningful to me. The problem with the private cremation / burial is that it takes the choice away from everyone. Of course, your decision.

Nobody actively likes funerals by the way!

the only instructions I have for my funeral are “no fucking Coldplay” so I’m not one to talk!!

From my own and friends' fairly bitter experience and not something I've seen mentioned here yet (but only skimmed the thread do apologies if missed it)

Do not develop an alcohol or other substance abuse problem. Get help early if needed.

Everyone should use public transport as much as they can and lobby for better provision if it's not good enough. It keeps you young and active, and makes neighbourhoods better. Move to a better connected area if the situation is hopeless, but do not be reliant on a car.

Look after your hearing.

That must have been very traumatic for you all.

agree with the moving to a more sensible house. I have been saying to my parents for 2 years at least that the house was becoming impractical. Oh no…we ok at the moment etc etc. Then it’s not - ogmh well we cannot just buy anything it needs to be right. If it needed to be right you should have thought about this two years ago. Now in a position with mum in hospital and probably having to go to nursing home because the house is completely impractical for her and a dad who if his diabetes starts affecting his eyes will be housebound as they live on a rural road with no pavements and he can also barely walk anymore even if there was pavements!

I'm starting to declutter and dial back on shopping (which is just as well given the financial climate).

I don't have the same relationship with my belongings that my mother did so it shouldn't be such an emotional wrench to empty the home.

I'm not sure that there's anything else I can do really.

@taxguru When my Dad was preparing to move to his retirement flat, I employed a lady who specializes in helping older adults downsize (she helped us research suitable places, sort and pack, etc.), she was so helpful.

She told me that most people she works with wait too long to downsize and it makes the process much harder-for example, they’ll wait until their mobility is failing (like my Dad) and they’re no longer safe in their home. My Dad was still hill-walking at 70, now he uses a walker and can just about make it around the local shops on his doorstep.

She said that she and her husband plan to move to a manageable house or flat with amenities close by, in their early 70’s, before they’re incapacitated. It makes sense.

With older people, sometimes the speed of deterioration is really rapid and despite their best plans to move "when the time is right", that time comes and goes too quickly and they're too infirm to cope with moving and too infirm to continue living as they used to.

I've seen it with people who've been super-fit and active, such as playing golf, tennis, etc well into their 80s, thinking they were indestructible and then "something" goes wrong, even something simple like a broken leg, which is fully "heal-able" in theory, but during the brief time of incapacity, their mobility declines rapidly and one thing leads to another, and they simply never recover the same level of fitness/mobility.

Stairs are hazardous regardless of age. DSs DF/my exDP died falling down a flight of just 8 stairs, he was 49.

Agree, given the recent half year with my DPs. Until a month or 2 ago, DDad in his 80s walked daily around a local beauty spot, very determined and can outpace me and DMum. A diagnosis of lymphoma, taking about 5-6 weeks, meant that his whole lower body swelled up due to the condition causing circulation difficulties. Very quickly, walking and even sitting in a car got regularly hard. It means he cannot safely use either bedroom or bathroom, and sleeps on the sofa using urine bottles and a commode because those rooms are upstairs.
They were fine - until they weren't.

@Chickenpoxworry @DuesToTheDirt
Similar situation with my Dad, he was advised to have his knees done 20 years ago but he didn’t-so now his mobility is restricted, he uses a walker, etc.

If I’m advised to have a knee operation, I’ll have it done right away. A friend had one last year at 52 and has recovered really well.

Yeah, my mum used to complain about the council tax - she lived alone in a huge house that was much bigger than my family's house. I just said if she didn't like it, she could move!

Anyway, this thread has prompted me to make some lists and collate information in case of my death or incapacitation. Some was done already, but some wasn't.

I will add that it is very hard for children to talk to parents about this - just what do you say? "Hey mum, do you have funeral wishes? Because you're not very well and you might die any minute!" I think not. Some years ago I suggested she gave up driving, as she was a danger on the roads, but it went down like a lead balloon. So it needs to come from us, we shouldn't wait to be asked or told.

The surgeon refused to do a hip operation on my elderly mother, as he said her chances of survival and proper recovery were poor, due to general ill health and, specifically, weakness in her upper body, meaning rehab would be difficult. So since her last fall she has been pretty much immobile.

We’ve just done a small funeral and then a meal out in the past. So, no more than about eight people. It meant there was some kind of closure for people who’d been close to the person.

I think there is a reason all cultures have some kind of funeral rite.
I think they are very much for those who are left behind.
I think it is OK for people to find them upsetting in the moment, but it gives closure in a structured way to support that we can then move on from.

I personally wouldn't be happy if my parents said no funeral in a misguided attempt to spare us the cost / upset.

However I do respect other people's rights to choose not to attend if they feel it is right for them.