what dealing with elderly parents has made you think you will do differently?

Stairs are only good if you can manage them. With stairs you have the added danger of falling down them. When I worked in A & E older people falling downstairs was a common admission.

A bungalow is easier to maintain yourself.

I intend going for a new build bungalow with an air pump, solar panels and underfloor heating.

I want something closer to my family, which is walking distance to a park, shops etc.

And just to add - I was nagging my parents about this for years (to add a bedroom and get a large ground floor bathroom) before they actually needed it - but one parent (!) didn’t want to change the house, so it is now very problematic for them unfortunately…

My DM is now confined to the ground floor (wheelchair user, and we looked into a lift, but it wouldn’t have worked as too large, and not enough room to move around); and in some ways it works well as the upstairs bedrooms are now empty, so I (and other family members can stay there when we visit), but (and it is a big but) the main downstairs living spaces have been taken up with bedroom etc so there is very little space to have visitors sitting when they pop over, and there is no accessible bathroom, and it is not possible to get into one ground floor room, or to go into the garden, (without help) as there are steps / thresholds and ramps need to be put down each time.

So. Not necessarily move into a bungalow, but audit your ground floor, and make sure all rooms are accessible via flush thesholds, and make sure there is a large bathroom that can have a walk-in bath / shower fitted, and also allow for a ground floor bedroom, while still maintaining a separate living room / space, if possible. And make sure there are no steps / level changes to get outside! This may necessitate an extension - but well worth doing ahead of time. If you leave it until you need it, then it is impossible to have the time / headspace (when dealing with mobility challenges) to get it sorted after the fact…

Precisely. I have a stair lift because of a disability that makes stairs very painful and slow. I can do them, but the risk of falling,especially when coming down, is quite high. I prefer not to take that risk ... it only takes one small error and months of problems could ensue. I am aware that exercise wise it would be better to climb them on foot.

The stairs thing is hard isn’t it because they are great, right up to the moment they aren’t.

I have thought of something else.

Cultivate good relationships with your neighbours. Put out their bins when they are on holiday and check their mail. That way they will be amenable to do small favours for you if and when needed.

Another thing I would ads to your excellent list @Alllisontyis get used to outsourcing (if you can afford it) before you absolutely need it. Hire someone to mow the lawns, do the heavy gardening and above all get used to having a cleaner in the house. That way you’re not having to introduce these things when it’s a big change to a set routine. It also gets you used to the idea on not relying on your DCs to do these things for you as they have their own houses and gardens to maintain.

Interesting - was it the male or female partner who let their early and social life go?

Here are my thoughts gained from experience, mine and others:
Starlifts can be rented
A second stair rail can be helpful and reduce the risk of falling
If possible keeping funds for private health care - can avoid a painful wait for operations
Develop interests that don't depend on your family accompanying you
Bungalow legs exist and using stairs is a way to keep fit if not already in pain
A pendant alarm worn round the neck can give your DC peace of mind and get you help quickly if a fall etc occurs
The company of a pet, even in very old age, providing you can care for it can enhance the quality of life
Develop interests to do inside and outside the home
Get involved with things in your community - U3A, gym, swimming, church. You don't need to always be with best friends or family to enjoy things
Try to do things yourself rather than delegate everything to DC
Ruthlessly declutter - no one wants your stuff
Exercise - 5 mins in the morning, walk, use weights - just do something every day
Understand your own finances, simply them where possible, and keep them together in a paper file
Keep up with at least the basics of new technology
Have trusted trades people to call upon and pay for help as needed
Get a cheap robot vacuum cleaner
Try to see the good in people
Eat well
Claim all the benefits you're entitled to. Attendance Allowance is the big one and is not means tested

It’s difficult because on one hand my mum died young and my dad lost his ability to get up stairs due to arthritis. He now lives in a lovely flat in new sheltered accommodation.
Stairs may keep you going if you are actually able to use them.

My in-laws are older. They could easily use stairs and my mum in law still can at 86, however when my dad in law became unwell they were lucky enough to convert a room downstairs for his hospital bed etc.

My take after watching my parents is to keep myself as healthy as i can. Both aere/are suffering life style bad health, copd from smoking killed my mum, my dad also has that, he has diabetes and still hasn’t a great diet and is overweight which doesn’t help the arthritis

I eat nutritionally well most of the time) i do cardio and strength. I have never smoked ( even as a kid in the 80s i thought it was gross) I do drink alcohol but can have weeks where i won’t. It’s not a lot. i spend time in nature- i believe that is important for our mental health.

We don’t have children. I have nieces/nephews and god children but i wouldn’t expect them to help out tbh . We will hopefully have cash saved to help with care as and when if it’s needed. The house will have had all major jobs done. We will be able to move but it’s only a 3 bed semi. We don’t have loads of clutter as neither likes it.

I totally agree with what you say. My parents moved to a flat with essentially two bedrooms when their youngest child left home. It is easy to maintain and central with good transport but has stairs. Consequently they had fulfilling lives with lots to do and were quite active, but we never visited. They didn’t want us staying and didn’t have the space. I saw very little of them as did my other sibling . We both lived at the other end of the country so my parents visited us about once or twice a year and they didn’t have any bond with grandchildren and we went to in-laws for Xmas etc. My mother is still managing the stairs at 88 but now struggling to cope in her flat. I don’t have much relationship with her and my other sibling is still living a long way away.

My adult children come to us for Xmas and alternate with in-laws in the case of the one who has a family. It bonds us. My grandchildren enjoy visiting us and hopefully will have happy memories. Two of my children live in very small rented flats, one with flatmates. The other has a very small cramped house. Visiting them involves staying in a hotel or air b and b. If we don’t have space for them we would be paying to stay and travel every time we want to see them . It’s really important to maintain a ‘family home’ as much as possible.

A friend’s father recently died. He was still living alone in the family home and insisted he would never leave it. Both his children lived locally but he lived to 92 and did his own gardening, walked a lot and kept fit. He did have a cleaner. Not everyone stays fit and healthy, but these are all things to consider. My mother says once you get a bungalow everything starts to deteriorate.

@Bunnycat101 great list.
LPAs - I organised these, as my parents wanted them but showed zero interest in actually sorting them. The H&W one is largely pointless to me. Financial useful. I tried to use the H&W one for my father when it was clear he required nursing care full time. He resisted as did my mother and they were both deemed by HCPs to have ‘capacity. Eventually a sensible clinician applied a DoLs on him and took the matter out of our hands. My mother is making terrible life decisions but as she is deemed to have capacity there is nothing we can do in terms of invoking the H&W LPA - inevitably a crisis will happen and then the NHS will be under pressure from the situation which we have all tried to avoid by suggesting various things to help - but she ‘doesn’t want that’s…..but won’t let us know what she ‘does want’. She has always been very controlling and without our father to control she is controlling her adult children with unreasonable behaviour. I have stepped well away as she made me ill with worry.

Sadly in our case our mother has alienated absolutely every neighbour and anyone who has tried to help her.

Her stubbornness has ultimately been her downfall and her life is utterly miserable now.

I would definitely say the fact my mother has never cultivated any hobbies or interests or friendships of any value has massively impacted this stage of her life. She won’t do anything she considers ‘for old people’.

From my own parents

the good:

• having LPA set up well before needed. Having now just invoked for one parent it has made a difficult time easier.
• building good relationships with neighbours: I live away and appreciate there is someone looking out.
• having a folder re key financial and other information.
• giving up driving before it became dangerous and accepting taxis.
• for one parent (having an active social life and keeping up with tech).
• having advanced directives in place.

the bad

• for one parent: not keeping up with technology and staying relatively on top of new developments
• developing multiple preventable long term conditions due to poor diet and limited exercise.
• (in/laws) refuse to discuss death and wills and planning.

I will plan for getting older and death. It is something that will happen to us all. Burying your head does no-one any favours. Having just used LPA it is a bloody godsend to have it set up when things go downhill.

@TheeNotoriousPIG @FitatFifty this could be my mother as well. Stubborn beyond stubborn. Always knows better than everyone else yet has no real life experience having been born and stayed within half a mile. Had a charmed life with the best of everything. Big fish small pond.

Even suggesting getting a smaller about town car 15 years ago after she had driven their huge four by four BMW into several ‘things in the way’ was met with derision. Her and my Dad saying they didn’t want neighbours thinking they were on their uppers. Ridiculous.

The neighbour was actually quite upset speaking to DH the other day as she is trapped in the house frequently because she can’t manage the steps at the front, even though a rail has been fitted.
she was already struggling mobility wise when we moved in over 20 years ago so it’s not a sudden thing.

The comment about listening to your children wasn’t specifically about moving but everything. I’ve had many frustrating conversations where I’ve been spoken to like a child who has never done anything and can’t possibly have more experience in a matter than them, even though they have zero experience.

If that lady is my 98-year-old grandmother, then she refuses to leave her house of 50/60 years unless it's in a box! Also, any suggestions that she doesn't like mysteriously don't get picked up by her hearing aid 🙄She's only just accepted needing walking aids. However, given how terrifying she was at driving a car, nobody would dream of suggesting a scooter 😆

Elderly people are INCREDIBLY stubborn and the "youth" (i.e. anyone under about 70) obviously don't know what they're talking about!

Thus, actually paying attention to your children and grandchildren sounds like it would be a sensible thing for everyone to do!

This is so familiar

My mum has terminal cancer and dad is facing a Parkinson’s diagnosis.

As their only child I asked what they think about the future.

Mum’s response was ‘well, it will be what it will be’ and Dad suggested moving to a flat ‘but I don’t really want to’ and all he worries about is the garden.

Talk about avoiding the elephant in the room!

I am happy for them to be autonomous but when they need help they phone me 🙄

Excellent idea re inheritance tax forms!!! Will do that.

Beginning to think we may be twins.

I am all for delicacy and respect, but if your plans rely heavily on your adult DCs, then you might want to ask them in advance if they are ok with that, or indeed at least thank them for their efforts.

This!
I -am 64, divorced four years, having the time life, but mindful of making it as easy as possible for my DC.
So/ POA and Will, and actively decluttering.
DC have the password for an email account I use exclusively for finances and house stuff/utilities etc. and details of my financial advisor.
I am very healthy and active, and will keep going up the stairs till the day I die.
Have downsized to a small house, minutes away from lots of buses/amenities/railway station good fast connections into central London, so that when I eventually can’t drive there are lots of options for socialising.

Totally agree with this. I’m 57, early retired with DS16 at home. We’re both looking at next steps in terms of housing. First own home for him and what will likely/hopefully be my last move.

Big yes to decluttering. I've posted elsewhere about the hoards of crap my DF left behind - it was not a pleasant job for me.

A list of accounts etc, and easy access to printed statements showing how much is in each one (to help estimate value for probate). I'm always baffled by suggestions of leaving passwords; it's bad practice when you're living, and once you're dead everything should be frozen anyway.

My DC are in primary, but when they're older I'll make sure they have some money in an account in their name to help tide them over until probate is sorted. My DF died unexpectedly and while there was plenty in the estate it took six months to get hold of any of it, and there were a lot of bills racked up in the meantime.

But the big one for me was the idea of keeping adult children involved in family life. My DF lived by himself abroad, but I spoke to him every week on the phone and spent several weeks a year with him. I knew his house and his affairs inside out so that, for example, I knew how to carry on paying his cleaner and gardener upon whom I would rely to look after the house when it was empty. When the borehole pump failed the week after he died and the house was full of people, I knew which taps to open and close to direct water from the backup cistern instead. I was good friends in my own right with ex-colleagues of his who could help navigate sorting his pension out. My sibling, who had a much more superficial and transactional relationship with him (and treated him with utter contempt behind his back) did not have the slightest idea how to do any of this - didn't even know which financial institution he held most of his money with.

I rarely talked specifically with DF about where to find things and what to do after he'd gone, but with hindsight I never needed to. It was just part of the regular communication we had.

Finally, I'll make sure the sex toys and bondage cupboard, or any cross-dressing stuff in the wardrobe, doesn't come as a complete surprise to whoever sorts the house out.

Just a small learning after supporting my daunt through her final illness at 90. Stair lifts can be hired/ leased and once removed it was like it had never been there.

@saraclara part of the issue is often that the conversations only crop up at crisis point. I tried years ago to have very light touch empathetic discussions around my parents plans to either future proof their rapidly declining home - no to absolutely every suggestion. When they did decide to consider moving - at crisis point - I sympathised at how sad they were ‘it had come to this’ but also became frustrated at their demands of the move. I spent months going round very lovely suitable properties but they found fault in all of them and also kept sending me links to properties £70-£100k over their budget. Doing things sensitively just doesn’t always cut it. There comes a stage where what you NEED is more important than what you WANT.

There are loads of threads on here where elderly people decide that because getting old is hard for them they bring everyone down with them. At my age my parents were travelling round the world without a care.