what dealing with elderly parents has made you think you will do differently?

Downsize to something practical for your use and social needs whether that's a large living area or not as the case may be. Personally I'll be moving to about as modern a home as I can afford with a small outside space so miles from my current residence !

Insulate the shit out of stuff. The last thing you will want to do is clean out an open fire if you can't get back up from kneeling
Space - a downstairs loo that you can actually use with a walker or worse a wheelchair. So doorways need to be wider etc
3 beds optimum. One for each of you if someone is terminally ill, plus a space for a carer or child to stay to support. Can easily be used as a hobby room, separate TV area etc as you grow older.
The rest, declutter etc.

Lastly, have the finances in place for private healthcare into my dotage. It makes a huge difference to quality of life if you can schedule treatment promptly when needed. Similarly as much as I'd love to move somewhere completely rural, a +40 min drive to a hospital is a massive pain in the arse.

A poster up thread suggested assisted living but her husband was not keen. The problem with that is you are only welcome as long as you are in reasonable health. What then? In the case of my father, he never considered that my mum would go before him. With hindsight he'd have downsized and made very different decisions when she first got ill and then went into remission.

My relatives got a lot of things right, bless them. However:
-Both PoAs. I need to print that out today
-Advanced Refusal of Treatment in detail, not the crappy standard one online
-Don’t fall in love with married men in your 60s; at that age you should still have the strength to walk away
-if your adult children tell you it’s a scam, it’s a bloody scam
-moving can be a good idea but it needs to be strategic, and if you leave it to past 80 it may be too late

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat im not suggesting you should fork out a fortune, but in my area it is at least a year’s wait for a wet room installation by the council, and in the last 2 months the equipment our OTs can order has shrunk to ‘emergency/ disastrous only’ - we are starting to ask if people can just buy it themselves. If there is anything small scale you need and can afford (grab rails?) then I would try to afford it yourself.

We are in our 60s and moved recently but didn’t downsize. We had been living in rented houses for 15 years and we wanted a place where we can entertain etc. We have future proofed though, walking distance from shops, doctors surgery and railway station plus on a bus route to the local hospital which has cardiac care and a stroke unit. We have no steps up to the front door, separate reception rooms so one could be used as a bedroom and wide stairs which can accommodate a stair lift. It also has a good sized half landing so could put a chair there to rest if a full flight becomes difficult to do in one go.
We are also a maximum of three miles from all our children. They have all moved nearby so their choice.
All our parents have died and one of the important things I gained from seeing their latter years was to be open to help, keep your house maintained and declutter ruthlessly! That is one thing renting and moving house frequently has done, no jam packed loft for our children to go through.

My Dad is now 90 and mum 87. I did worry a while back they should have down-sized a long time ago but they didn't. And I agree with PP that actually still having stairs, the garden and space for people to stay has kept them fitter and happier for far longer. My dad broke his hip and spent a month in re-hab at 90 - they let him out once he was able to climb those stairs! Admittedly with a stick and a terrified me behind him to begin with! They can pay for cleaners and gardeners though which makes a big difference. I know that when they do indeed have to move it will be downhill very quickly for them.

We're in the thick of it with my parent now. I would advise not leaving it too late for a hip/knee replacement , my mum kept putting it off until now (91) and can hardly move, we have to help get her out of the chair, shower , toilet etc. She is obviously more at risk from falling now as she's so unsteady, not to mention in excruciating pain.

Accept that the help of a cleaner, once a week is not outrageous self indulgence

Ditto, a gardener

Continue to exercise (running, swimming, yoga) through my 60s and 70s so when I get to 80, I'm still as fit and healthy as possible.

If I fall over, I'll press the flippin' emergency button rather than worrying about disturbing people and not making a fuss.

My DM is long gone, but while she was alive she could be infuriating. 😁

Please can I ask you about the decline following the move? Was it the upheaval?

dm is in a in a very unsuitable house and we have just started the process of getting it on the market. We’ve viewed one which I think she would be happy in but at the moment she has many neighbours popping in in addition to the carers every morning. She bought the house with dad in 1965. He passed last year.

so we’re thinking an assisted living might be better but she is not a sociable person.

Ps I’m 77 and life in the old dog yet ….,

My house is pretty tidy, I’m not an hoarder and I’m staying where I am.
I have stairs and I think they keep you fit, I’m up and down all day, I walk my dog and lift weights at the gym.
I read and keep up to date with current affairs and do Wordle and other things to keep my mind active, in most of them I am in the top 10%, let’s me know I’m not going gah gah. 🤣
If I become unable to use the stairs, I will get a stairlift installed, if I can’t drive safely any more, I’ll get taxis with the money I save not having a car.
Told family if I become a burden to stick me in a care home or preferably whack me over the head with a house brick… 🤣

We've had to sort out both sides of parents homes/wills etc after they died and also 3 of the 4 with long term health conditions. An absolute nightmare as, despite wills being made, there were no POAs and their homes were full of "stuff" and finances disorganised. After we've been through that, we're not inflicting it on our DS!

Written wills and update every 5 years or so

Got POAs for both finances and health

Started to de-clutter the house and weed paperwork etc., half way through loft sorting into 3 piles of "keep", "tip" or "charity shop", doing the same with cupboards, shelves etc in the house as we go along. Not keeping anything without particular sentimental or financial value so cheap/naff ornaments are going. Sold loads of rarely used things like "best" cutlery and crockery, gravy boats, serving dishes etc, "posh" tablecloths and napkins etc. that we basically only use once a year - can do without! Same with clothes, weeded out our wardrobes down to things we actually wear which meant about 3/4 of what we used to have has been donated.

Consolidating bank accounts, pensions and investments to make it easier to sort out afterwards

Keep a list/file of exactly what finances we have, latest utility/broadband/sky bills, latest car and house insurance policy documents, so that either of us or our DS can quickly see what's what.

File of house stuff, i.e. deeds, purchase details (solicitor completion statement, copy of estate agent brochure), warranties/guarantees etc for home improvements, new windows, new boiler, etc. - everything else ditched (such as minor tradesmen bills, low value fixtures & fixtures bills etc).

File for each car with "log book", insurance, full service history garage bills, etc, to make it easier to sell when the time comes.

Drafted inheritance tax returns for us both to "prove" no IHT due, to make it easier for DS to go through probate. Will update every five years or so with updated wills to reflect changes in asset values etc.

In the eye of the storm at the minute, with elderly DPs an hours drive away and I am an only DC.

Firstly we are travelling as much as we can, while we can. Maybe we will be the lucky ones, but many people once they get 80+ don’t seem to be able to, and health complications seem to kick in mid late 70s for most, if not sooner.

Secondly being used to having someone in the house and outsourcing cleaning and big gardening jobs, so when we can’t do it ourselves we are used to paying others and having someone in the home.

Thirdly weight bearing exercise for me - DM has osteoporosis and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It doesn’t need to be time consuming or going to the gym. Some hand weights at home will suffice.

One that unfortunately I am not sure how I will manage, which is move into assisted living before I absolutely need to. Sadly DH is diametrically opposed and would rather be left to his own devices i.e. me looking after him, so I am not sure how we will work thus one out.

My Mum is 77, living in a house but due to hip and knee issues she can barely use the stairs. She doesn't know that I know, but she's done an equity release (without understanding what it is) to give my sister money to get her wreck of a house watertight so she essentially is stuck unable to move as she can't afford a bungalow or flat with what's left in the equity. I'm frankly staying well out of it, my bloody sister can deal with the consequences as she's caused the situation. Fortunately, my Dad was sensible and moved into an over 60s block of flats about 5 years before he died. It was only tough in the last months as he had cancer but ended up in a hospice for most of it.

DH and I have said that we won't inflict any of what we've been through/are going through with our parents onto our DC. We will prepare, take responsibility and won't be in denial about aging.

I will get all my finances in good order administratively with everything clear and access for my children. Wills, POAs etc. I’ll keep fit and healthy and move to somewhere where we/I can walk to shops, cafes etc. we will plan for an old age with various plans according to whether we are together or one of us is alone. Most importantly, I will do what my grandparents did and visit and choose retirement homes and care homes that I’m happy with.

Write a will, and agree beforehand on who gets the pets/animals when I die

Organise my funeral, to (hopefully) minimise stress when I die (I have chosen a direct cremation)

Get all of my paperwork and financial affairs in order

Make my wishes clear, e.g. POA, a Do Not Resuscitate order (it saves worry when paramedics are trying to revive someone and nobody knows if the person has a DNR order or not...), etc.

Move to a bungalow, or somewhere with space for a downstairs bedroom and bathroom if ever I need it

Develop some more home-based hobbies

Remain as independent as possible. Have a contacts list of taxis, plumbers, electricians, gardeners, etc. Remember that my family have their own lives, and they should not be taking days off work to run around after me, nor are they my carers, when they have caring duties towards their children. Do not put pressure on them to be my carers/handy people, and guilt-trip them when they can't do a job for me because they are on holiday or live abroad... also, don't guilt-trip them into living life as I think they should (been there, done that, and escaped as soon as I could... I like my family, but the pressure can be immense at times, when you all live within 1.5 miles of each other)

Get finances in order and keep clear records.
Take advice on estate planning if appropriate.
Will and LPAs.
Throw away all your old unwanted crap. If you don't want it, it's highly unlikely your children will.
Make plans on the basis that nobody will be there to help you- will you be able to get around on your own? If not, can you afford taxis etc? Not to say that you should expect not to receive help- you may find your children are happy to help- but they shouldn't feel obliged to.
Take active steps to stay in good health.
Try not to become a moaner or someone who hates young people. Take steps to keep your brain active and your thinking flexible.

On the other hand, I don't agree with downsizing or moving too a bungalow too early and always find MN far too risk averse on this stuff. You are still alive and allowed to live- no need to pack yourself up completely and await the grave.

4 very clear things:

1. without prompting, attempt to downsize and put myself into more sensible accommodation without needing to be hassled about it
2. Try and listen to my kids - if they repeatedly say 'get a hearing test, for god's sake', get rid of that shlt - we don't want it now or in ten years' etc etc, I'd like to think now that I might consider actioning their suggestions
3. when I give them gifts or money or things, give them without any expectation on how it will be used / spent / wasted. You give something, it is no longer yours to control, use as leverage etc etc
4. be ruthlessly fair with gifts / offering of help etc etc

OT will do this but the wait can be up to a year and some councils put a note on the title that the house cannot be let out for 10 years after the bathroom is done. Not a real problem for most people but can reduce who you can sell it to. My FIL was 97 when we approached the council. We decided to do it ourselves as needed it done He had plenty of money and I actually think it was right that he did pay for it. Sadly he only used it for 4 weeks but it did help.

Why 3 miles from your most competent child? I hope that is not so someone is always a finger-click away.

I think the short version is remember my DC are my DC and not free carers, taxi service, gardeners, electricians… live appropriately- move in good time, and buy in any help that is needed.

My DH and I are 50 and 60. Both of our families are long-lived and our parents stayed relatively healthy/or still are, into their 80s and 90s.

A few years ago we moved from a village to a small town where we can walk to shops, restaurants, doctor, dentist, opticians etc, plus catch a bus or a train to a nearby city and other towns. If either or both of us are unable to drive this will be very helpful. Plus walking into town to do our shopping keeps us active.

We have our wills sorted out, but do still need to do POA. Particularly as my DH has siblings overseas and I am estranged from my only sibling.

We also chose our house carefully, and although 2 storey, could easily be just lived in downstairs if that becomes necessary. There's a bathroom with a walk-in shower and the living room could become a bedroom, and the open plan kitchen and dining room could be the living area.

There is still a lot to sort out - in particular things like passwords and access to accounts, bill paying, etc. But the important thing is to be aware and think about what might need to change. Some people are in denial about aging and ill-health, I try to be realistic.

Plan for when you can’t drive and need hospitals. Live somewhere easy to get paid for care and get stuff delivered. Ideally about 3 miles from your most competent child.

I'm 62 and on this mission. I already have a will and POAs in place. Currently I'm decluttering after losing DH last year. He was a bit of a hoarder and he also brought tons of stuff home when his own dad died a few years back as he "couldn't bare to get rid of it". It's so much work and I don't want my two DC to have to have the same problems.

DC are both young adults and at home, but once they leave I hope to move to somewhere much smaller. Maybe a retirement flat or a bungalow. Somewhere I can manage to keep clean and tidy without too much help.

My own mum is 89 and still lives in our childhood 3-bed semi. She's confined to downstairs due to mobility issues and she's too frail to do much housework or gardening. The house is dirty and outside is falling into disrepair. Although she can easily afford help, she seems to expect me and my DB to do her gardening and house repairs. DB lives a few hours away so things often fall to me, but I'm busy as a widow trying to keep on top of my own stuff (plus have my own health issues).

I don't want my kids to feel they have to do things for me once they've moved out and are setting up their own families. I hope to not become one of those people who refuses carers or helpers and insists family must do it.

My parents passed away in their 90s. My mother spent the last 6 months of her life in a nursing home and half of that was on palliative care and free. She was partially sighted and became blind in her late 70s. They lived in the family home with some amendments for my mother. My father passed away in his mid 90s and only used the stair lift for about a year. He had to have it adjusted at the turn of the stair so his knees fitted round. He had organised everything well, apart from the need for new fencing and removal of an asbestos roofed outbuilding. I think they got the balance right all things considered.

My FIL passed away in his 60s. He left money to his children as well as to MIL. Despite living a life of luxury, the PILs were not that well off. Still had a mortgage on a huge house. With hindsight, leaving money to his children and still having a mortgage might have been the start of MILs penury. Additionally, she could spend, spend, spend as he did. In her late 80s she became unwell and started to decline. DHs sisters decided she should move closer to them and - effectively - away from being near BIL and a bit closer to DH. It was too much for her and speeded up her decline. The 4 bed house she bought when she was 70 had massive equity release. SIL 1 said it was cluttered but it wasn't that bad. Much of it was boxed stuff from the move that was in one room and was paperwork. There were also lots of gadgets - foot spar, soup maker 🤣

My takeaway from this is, that moving MIL was expensive and not good for her. Advice I'd give, avoid equity release, live within your means. My parents may have been too frugal and maybe should have splashed out on a few more home comforts.