what dealing with elderly parents has made you think you will do differently?

Ours would have the best bathroom and lovely sunny rooms, one converted to kitchen

@YelloDaisy that's my in-laws plan but in they're case I can't see it working.
My friend has had a busy house with lots of lodgers for decades, I'm an ex renter. He's completely used to sharing his kitchen, shoe rack, coat pegs and dining table.i can see it possibly working for him.

My in-laws haven't shared since the last kid didn't come home after uni. They are totally used to their own space, glad to see the back of visitors after three days. Things are done a certain way and we disrupt that just with visits.

They wouldn't move someone in unless they were broken, at which point it's too late for a casual keep an eye, check in before/ after work outside the home.

MIL seems to think someone would be there from 6:30am till early bedtime 9.00pm 7 days a week and be grateful for a back bedroom with a shabby shared family bathroom. It's not going to happen. I curse the solicitor, flattering them 10 years ago that planted that idea.

I am mid 70s -in a large house in the countryside -have to drive everywhere. However if when we need carers I plan to offer them the upstairs of the house to live in whilst we live downstairs. And to pay for taxis to get out o Casio ally.

Yes, I very much appreciate that I am fortunate. However, children can refuse when approached by Social Services. In fact it is a good idea if they do so they don’t get relied on.

Then yes, you are lucky, and I hope that it works out the way you are projecting. Without trying to be a chest beating pessimist, at least be prepared to have some surprises that don't conform to the way you or your children expect they will, in dealings with any services on the way, though.

When downsizing think about having a spare room. For guests and when elderly, if you need family care, somewhere for them to sleep.

I'm planning on not being a bitch to my children's partners.
My PIL have always been a bit sticky but mostly masked it with good manners. With age that's slipped in the last 5 years and despite being around for 30plus years you'd think I was just DH's temporary fling.
Due to our jobs, I probably have the most flexibility to support crisis management, sadly that won't be happening. It is fuck around and find out that DH and his siblings can't just drop everything.

@dodobedoI own a large, old house full of stairs and changes of level in the UK, and a bungalow in the sun. I spend about five months of the year at each on average. I can categorically state from experience that bungalow knee is a very real thing indeed. The body quickly loses a degree of ability to propel itself up the stairs, and both my DH and I have to attack them with some vigour for a week or two when we return to the UK, until the lost fitness returns. This would be in the basis of six week turnaround's on average. It's when you don't do stairs for a while and then have to again that you realise.

I have no money - I wonder if anyone on this thread lives in social housing for example where choices are very limited; even transferral to a council ground floor property is very difficult to obtain. There are no “financial plans” or downsizing plans that are possible for me in that sense either. I do enjoy engaging in reducing unwanted possessions now though, when I’m able.

I do have a “blood relative”, young adult son, but to be honest, he is absolutely hopeless, even now! It’s a struggle to get him to feed my cat if I’m away for a couple of days. So I’m not sure a POA would be of much use and so I wouldn’t be relying on him.

My mother is nearly 90, is hanging on, and narcissistically delights in this. But we are very different people and I see nothing to emulate there. In fact, I do not want to hang on. Depending on my quality of life, I will make plans to be out of here when a negative outweigh the positives. I already have a chronic illness and I’m 65 - if I got a cancer diagnosis tomorrow, I would not want medical treatment. I would also consider a trip to Switzerland in certain other circumstances relating to poor quality of life and being a burden, as well. My aim is to enjoy what I can now, and do what I can now, until that’s not possible, and then…

The pp with the quote is me.
My children will not be looking after us. We can afford to pay for our own carers.
Social services/ council will not be arranging it for us. Our children have said they will arrange care but not do it for us.

Your LPoA for health and welfare is only as good as the person who you have named in it. If they are unable or unwilling to stand up assertively to the most arrogant of medical consultant in order to advocate for your needs then it really isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Many time's i've made the effort to contact the LPoA only to have them say "well what would you do?" or similar and i can only reply that i have to follow NHS best practice which is risk averse and not tailored to their relatives needs or wishes and that it is 'their' decision to make not mine. Just filling in the form is not enough, you need to make sure they fully understand the death and dying process, understand your wishes and are truely aligned to them and will remain so at the critical point in time.

As such I have an ADRT (Advanced decision to refuse treatment) for myself (i'm only 44 by the way so it's never too soon to set one up), as i don't want to rely on someone else who is making decisions on something they are unfamiliar with in a stressful situation.

@TeenToTwenties Yes, it’s tricky. I completely understand both of their perspectives, because while I think my MIL is finding the house abit too much, FIL loves his workshop.

I was saying to DH that we should broach the idea of a cleaner as a gift from us.

My DF, 95, is still using his workshop.
He would be very unhappy if he couldn't potter in there.

@ViciousCurrentBun My FIL is exactly the same, he’s created a proper workshop with all sorts of tools and equipment.

My in-laws are in their mid-80’s and my MIL recently told DH that she wouldn’t mind moving to a retirement flat (they’ve already found a local retirement complex that they like) but FIL doesn’t want to leave his workshop!

We are a DIY house with loads of tools an entire wall of cupboards if full of the stuff. I can do basic DIY but if DH slips off this mortal coil before me I will be selling most of it as he does full on trades type stuff that I’m not doing. We plan to move in a year to 2 years, I am older than DH and will be 61. We want a downstairs bathroom in addition to an upstairs one. Also want one a stairlift could fit in I don’t want a bungalow as I sleep with my windows open.

That is true and an absolutely terrifying prospect for those of us who will have zero blood relatives.

The quote from PP: "As I have said many times on MN, hell would freeze over before we would let our adult children look after us."

The thing is, most organisations that are concerned with conditions, living arrangements, in-patient care, or treatment for older people don't take that same approach. They don't make it all that optional if their service users have become vulnerable (especially if suddenly) but do have choices, and are still in contact with blood relatives.

This sounds so hard I am so sorry. I have had to make untrue ‘routine check up’ doctor appointments for mine to just get them in front of a doctor so I can relate.

Oh and don't hoard cats

Don't save it until the decline. You'll be too absorbed in dealing with the decline to deal with the procrastinated life-shit. Get yourself into a good position e.g. suitable house/ location while you can. (Don't be elderly in a listed building)

DM talked the talk about moving 30 years ago... she's still there in her deeply unsuitable, excessively large, difficult to maintain, hoarded house. She is not going anywhere voluntarily now.

I'm happy with my house. The stairs could take a stair lift, or the downstairs toilet adapted to a wet room. There's enough ground floor space for a bedroom. There's community facilities in a short walk and a bus route to town. I could live without the car.

Keep functional with technology changes. DM is pretty deaf (credit to her, she did accept hearing aids a good while back) but it really doesn't help when her communications are a landline that she can't hear. She was too luddite to to mobile phones and texting.

De-clutter little and often. Don't save arbitary stuff for the next generation. They rarely want it and have their own lives.

Have the home in good condition to get you through old age. Things don't last forever, but a lot of older people don't want disruption in their later years.

DH and I have an age gap, so my odds of being widowed are fairly high. The plus side of DM being widdowed prematurely was that she was young enough (50s) to adapt to some extent. But on top of grief, she still had no idea how the "blue jobs" and finances worked. Don't be too dependent on your spouse's skill set without understanding it.

A crisis can always happen, but there's a lot of longevity in my family so it's reasonable to consider that reaching my 90s is a viable possibility.

I always have looked after my health and while there are never any guarentees, I am doing what is reasonably viable to reduce lifestyle factors of poor health. Elderly relatives did usually keep getting out and about and stay sociable as long as was reasonably viable.

I plan to get a cleaner in a long time before we “need”one.
Its good to be used to having someone in the house before you are fully resistant to the idea. Also means you don’t have to rely on your adult DC telling you when your house is getting dirty and then somehow miraculously expecting it to clean itself- but oh no you don’t expect your adult Dcs to do it - except you probably do.

I so agree. I find it really hard to talk to my mother about these things. She is getting more and more forgetful and emotionally dis regulated. I couldn’t get her to accept that she is not safe to drive so I reported her to the DVLA. I just can’t deal with her . It’s really hard .

That is my plan really. It's just hard not to worry or start imagining scenarios where that sort of place no longer exists. I am sure they will though.

@MrsSkylerWhite point taken but as there are 2 of us it is unlikely that we will both become incapable at the same time (not impossible I know!) When one of us starts to deteriorate then that would be a good time to start getting rid of most of our stuff.
@GenieGenealogy nobody will have to declutter our attic or indeed our house as I am sure our children will call house clearance as per our instructions.
Most of the problems on the ‘elderly parents’ topic on this forum are regarding parents who won’t let their children bring in outside care and the children (usually daughters) care too much about their parents to really push the issue. I know, that if I need it, care will be coming from outside because I am adamant that I don’t want my children to do care. Believe me, even if I have dementia and change my mind, my children are strong willed and will override me. For various reasons, my sister and I are LC with my mother, who is in her 90s. My brother visits once a week with her shopping. Agencies can be dealt with over the phone. My mother knows that there is no point refusing outside help as nothing would get done.
I also think this is very much a financial problem as well. We are in a fortunate position to be able to afford carers, a cleaner etc without having to go through social services. This will save us and our children a lot of hassle.

Sure. I’ve got a dear friend who is long-term single and childless and I know she worries about how she will manage if she needs help in old age.
Maybe it’s worth considering moving into some sort of ‘sheltered accommodation’/ assisted living place before there is a crisis so you’re in the right place if you need care to be stepped up x