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Elderly parents
Original poster

Elderly mother, squalid living environment, refuses help

36 replies

JoJothegerbil · 30/08/2025 12:49

This is long but I need to offload as I’m at my wits end. My DM has been variety of heath issues; controlled schizophrenia, type 2 diabetes, mobility issues, incontinence, deafness, and is a hoarder. She’s 83, been widowed for nearly 30 years and is living in her own unsuitable home at the moment.

I currently take her to all her medical appointments, hairdressers and her shopping despite working full time. Fortunately I have a very flexible boss although I am using annual leave for this type of stuff when I’d really rather be using it for my own benefit. Mum’s house is quite frankly a bio hazard. I have cleaned it so many times but it just ends up being a tip again. She won’t throw anything and basically has the contents of our 5 bedroom childhood home in a very small two bed terrace.

The fridge is revolting and full of out of date food which she keeps promising me she will sort and I don’t need to do anything. Honestly, I can’t face doing it again anyway so I’m largely ignoring it despite knowing that it’s grim. I haven’t been in the bathroom for months but I’m sure that’s disgusting too.

She had help from social services a couple of years ago with decluttering but as she wouldn’t get rid of anything, all that happened was stuff went from shelves to boxes and these are now everywhere.

I’ve suggested help but the last time I did this she accused me of spending all her money. I can’t do this any more. The state of the house upsets me so I can’t bear to be there for more than a few minutes at a time. I have a brother, but he lives 200 miles away and although he talks the talk, he’s barely here to help.

Mum is oblivious to the mess. When I suggest gently that it might be a good idea to wipe surfaces and throw stuff away, she looks at me like I have two heads. To top it all, she’s a narcissist and loves to manipulate and make me feel bad.

We have financial POA but not health - ill advised by the family solicitor who, when we took out the financial one, said health wasn’t needed as it was really only for making decisions at end of life so mum wouldn’t do it. Mum is entirely dependent on me for everything as she can longer drive or go out independently and I’m struggling.

Does anyone have any advice? Social services were virtually useless when they were involved before as mum has too much money and would need to self-fund.

OP posts:
Keroppi · 30/08/2025 15:52

I'd get majority of her food shopping delivered and then you can take her out as and when for more fun shopping or treat bits. Less quantity more quality - a few shops and a coffee out, garden centre type of thing
Perhaps your brother can pay for the shopping deliveries as one of his contributions

In terms of her garden or drive you can consider a gardener as and when from your mums attendance allowance or whatnot but just ignore the neighbour.

You can't help with the hoarding. It's a complex mental illness and all you can do is do what you can/want to do when you can. Eg if you were feeling like you'd enjoy a big purge or a blitz of the bathroom, crack on but under no obligation and no real expectation that it'll be kept up. My dads house was similar, very messy and hoarded books and clothes - I used to blitz a random bookshelf, coffee table or bathroom sometimes just out of boredom..

LindorDoubleChoc · 30/08/2025 15:33

If she can order stuff on Amazon then she can do her food shopping online OP. Cut that out at the very least.

Original poster
JoJothegerbil · 30/08/2025 15:31

To answer a few Qs…

Yes she does get Attendance Allowance which gets spent every month on crap from Amazon. So although she’s not going out and buying stuff, more is being added to the house all the time.

Her mental health is controlled and the Drs seem to have no interest as long as that is the case.

Taxis may be an option but I’d have to sort it all out for her so I feel like I may as well just take her. Going shopping is the one time she goes out each week so I’d feel bad if I made her get it delivered each time. However, having said that, DH and I are going on a much needed holiday in October and will be gone for 2.5 weeks. She will have to get shopping delivered if she wants to eat so it might be a good idea to trial it then.

I’m also suffering from second hand embarrassment due to the state of the house. It’s a small rural town and people gossip. I fell out with her neighbour not long ago because she tidied up the drive - neighbour has right of way - and the neighbour asked me why I wasn’t doing it. I was caught unawares so didn’t say anything but I was so cross when I got home. Firstly, I’d not asked her to do it, she just did. Secondly, what I do and do not do is none of her business. I really wish I’d said something at the time.

I know I need to be ‘less available’ but it’s really hard. I don’t even like my mother that much. She put my dad through hell not long before he died but I help her because I feel obligated and guilty if I don’t. I need to get DB to step up a bit too. He’s come down twice this year so far, and one of these times was Christmas.

I’ll have a go at social services again but they were pretty useless last time.

Thank you for the replies. I know a lot of this rests on me changing my mindset and I really appreciate the input. Does help to make me feel less alone.

OP posts:
Beachtastic · 30/08/2025 15:12

Blimey OP, what a handful. All she's missing now is a gambling habit and opiate dependency, and your happiness is complete!!!!!!!

The magic word with adult social care seems to be "safety" so perhaps keep emphasising that you cannot ensure it for her.

Good luck 💗

TBC99 · 30/08/2025 14:30

Is she under a mental health team for her schizophrenia? Or monitored by the GP? May be worth flagging up the self-neglect at her next appointment, or requesting an appointment, and exploring what support might be available.

LindorDoubleChoc · 30/08/2025 14:14

If she can't go out and shop at least she's not bringing more stuff into the house and wouldn't be able to if it was sorted out one last time. There are all sorts of internet influencers who do free deep cleanings nowadays (amazing but true, have a search on Instagram).

LindorDoubleChoc · 30/08/2025 14:12

Your mother will qualify for attendance allowance, which is a non means tested benefit, and would cover the cost of a regular cleaner. It's quite a lengthy form to complete but the money is quite generous.

If she refuses to have a cleaner, refuse to go into her house.

FiniteSagacity · 30/08/2025 14:07

OP I completely understand and could have written your post two years ago. It is incredibly stressful screaming into the void and watching a car crash in slow motion.

But you have needs too and if you burn out then she won’t even have what you would choose to do. So you need to accept that you are actually doing too much (I know this is a slow creep from where you started and you constantly feel you should be doing more).

Hoarding means fighting a mental illness and family are honestly not able to do that. You do need to keep telling social services about the situation, that you cannot be her carer and that she doesn’t listen to you.

MaryMungoMidgley · 30/08/2025 13:52

To echo everyone else- there is nothing you can do to change her😕
Don't be sisyphus labouring to get the boulder up the hill only for it to roll back down and you have to repeat the same labours over and over again.

Choconuttolata · 30/08/2025 13:43

All you can do is back away and only do what you can manage and re-refer to social care for self-neglect as she deteriorates. They probably won't do anything as she will be deemed to have capacity, but when the next crisis happens re-refer again and keep doing it until a threshold is crossed for them to intervene. It could be that with less support from you, her mental health issues that impact on her self-care become more apparent. There is nothing else you can do. It is so hard if they won't accept help and from experience you will burn yourself out trying to pick up the pieces whilst shouting into the void. She is making a choice and people are allowed to make choices even if they are what we would consider bad ones for them. I would also speak to the GP about non-emergency patient transport to appointments and get shopping delivered to her.

thedevilinablackdress · 30/08/2025 13:27

Let her house be a mess. You cannot change the way she is and the way she wants to live.
Get her shopping delivered if you can, even sometimes. Even if you have to do the online ordering, it will save you time going to the supermarket. Can she get taxis to some of her appointments?
The answer to a lot of this may be no, depending on how resistant she is, I know. But you can change your mindset on the cleanliness and hoarding.

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