End of life - hand hold and advice

Thank you. It is a strange thing how people going through similar in this tiny corner of the internet can be comforting. It's what this sort of site should be, and sometimes is about.

You said I might tell you all about her but I wouldn't know where to start. We didn't get together until late in life. We later found out we had been in many of the same places when we were younger, but fate didn't have us meet then. Possibly a good job as I was an idiot when I was younger and probably wouldn't have recognised the fabulous person she was. I can't get used to speaking in the past tense, it sucks. I don't think we ever had a cross word. We disagreed, but it was funny rather than angsty. We just clicked. I feel like a part of me is missing. She's everywhere I look, and I hate that I can't talk to her anymore. It's not stopping me of course, but it would be better if she could actually hear me. There are so many things I still want to tell her about how every single part of me is better because of her. Our main rule was that she was never wrong. Even if it wasn't me, it wasn't her either, whatever it was, and that worked fine. It made us laugh. Laughing is so important, although we didn't get to do much of that in the latter stages.

I could write for hours about every little thing, but I imagine you get the gist.

How are you doing?

I am sorry to read of your loss. I haven't been able to read anything other than superficial things in the last few weeks.

I am doing OK thanks, starting to get to grips with my new reality. It totally sucks. I am wading through all the legal processes, all the shit to do when one least feels like doing anything.

As you say, it is very sad, but we have to take comfort that the departed are no longer suffering.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Hopefully when you look back you will find comfort in knowing he was peaceful and you were with him.

I’m so sorry for your loss @walledgarden6 . I’m glad your dad was peaceful and you were able to be with him.

My DM had meds for the rattle in her lungs, for agitation and for nausea. The prescription was delivered on Friday and she died on the Sunday without being given any of it. In fact it was when my cousin was gone to ask if it was time to do something to ease the rattle she opened her eyes and gasped and then was gone within half an hour so she never had the meds. I know they were available because my cousin had fetched them from the pharmacy herself as the home were short staffed.

@walledgarden6 the last few days and hours are hard. I just sat by my lovely MIL for as long as I could, she was asleep but responded to our voices until the last few hours. The nurses can give your DF meds for the agitation if you wish, just to allow him calm and peace. Sending you love.

@HappiestSleeping I'm so sorry for your loss. Your line about ‘gin and the dog’ is true here, too. I hope your dog brings you peace and some smiles.

Worth asking the medics about meds to help with his agitation.
Don't worry about the end. I take it you've probably not been with someone when they died before? I found that I recognised (and accepted) what had happened on a very primeval level.
Dead people are still the people you knew, but now have a much, much smaller set of needs (to be treated with dignity - tbh that's really our need) and they are safe from suffering and grief.
I hope that your Dad will be well cared for as long as he needs it, and that you will have peace of mind that you did what you could for him. 💐

I am so touched to read all of these messages. Someone very close has just been admitted to a hospice. They are looking after her so well. All her family are in attendance. I just want to cry my eyes out. She is young and has a young family. . It is just too, too hard.

I am sorry you are going through this
I went through the same thing with my mum in June, but we were not able to bring her home, we stayed in the hosptial with her for 6 days though
Once she stopped taking food and fluid, she slept for the most part although for a couple of days before she died, she did know we were there, and she recognised my son and my husband when they came to visit.
You will find he starts to sleep very deeply for most of the time over the next few days, we found it a comfort to still talk to her as if she could hear us
It was very peaceful when she passed, she hadnt woken up for the whole of the previous night and morning, not even when the nurses were moving her and she just took 2 deep breaths and that was it
I am so glad I was there but I have to say it was the week leading up to her death was probably the hardest thing I have ever done, it is excruciating and painful so please look after yourself at this time

I'm sorry for all of you who are in this terrible limbo right now. With my mum it was just over a year ago but so fresh I can even remember the clothes I wore each day and what she was wearing.

We sat and talked as though she was still able to join in the conversation and, like others, played music she loved. Although she was declining slowly she had been fading quickly in the last week and hadn't responded to anything for the past week. She was in a care home and the carers came in every 20 mins or so to say goodbye and to check whether we needed anything. It was very peaceful at the end.

I will say that I was scared of being with her at the end but it was peaceful and she was surrounded by love. While there was nothing practical I could do I felt an overwhelming need for her to have the blanket we gave her last Christmas. There were photos of the grandchildren and the dog and the words "Take this blanket, wrap it tight, a special hug from us Goodnight!" I needed her to have that around as she died. The matron herself searched the laundry room to bring it up to the bedroom so that she was wrapped up.

My beloved found the strength to let go this morning. It has been a horrible week, and a horrible few years, but she is not suffering any more. Although this end phase took us by surprise, she didn't suffer for as long as might have happened, so for that, I am thankful.

And the old add age of better to have loved and lost is also true. If I'd have known what would happen, I still would have spent every moment I could with her. She was the final piece to my puzzle, and life will be fairly awful without her. Time brings acceptance though, so with the help of gin, and the dog, we march onwards.

DD and I sat with my mother for the last week of her life. We had wonderful support from carers and palliative nurses at night. The day before she died all the family and her friends came to see her and sat with her in turn. We thought it was a privilege that we were able to be with her at the end and we were so pleased that she had signed a DNR and we were able to refuse to allow her to be taken to hospital. Dying at home is so much better.

Im so sorry. My dad just died at home. I was the only one to look after him but he liked that i slept in his bed with him so I was there 24/7 for hus last ten days. It was really hard the last couple of days when he actively dying but I played him music he ans mum used to like, brushed his hair, but cold flannels on his head, used a mouth gel and held his hand. He really wanted to die at home, and he got his wish. And the people you are looking after have you.

Big hugs. I don't think it matters how many times it has been near, it still shocks when the moment arrives.

My wife and I have known we would end up here for a long while, but the actual manifestation has been different to how either of us envisaged. And much faster. We were wondering whether she might be well enough to have a few days away last Thursday as she felt quite good, and now I'm here waiting for her to take her final breath.

And things will definitely never be the same. She changed my life for the better in ways I can't put into words. My final gift to her is to make sure she is as comfortable as possible at this point.