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Elderly parents
Original poster

Elderly parent ‘ready to go’ - advice please (in hospital, DNR in place)

40 replies

SociableAtWork · 26/08/2025 10:42

Hello, I lurk on this board and the advice is always so helpful, so I hope someone can help this time.

My 83 year old parent has been taken to hospital this morning with low SATS and being unable to breathe well. They are very frail and have a number of painful, long term health conditions, include a lung condition (not COPD) and complete immobility, relying on the other parent for all their care (which hasn’t been great lately due to their own age/conditions)

Last night their breathing was very laboured and we had thought they might pass away overnight. They wanted to and have been desperate to for a long time. My other parent was prepared for this and I think they might both have agreed not to call an ambulance in the hope this would happen.

Their carer called the ambulance this morning. The SATS are possibly low due to an infection linked to the lung condition. These are frequent - probably monthly now, having increased over time and usually lead to pneumonia.

I know none of you know for sure but if someone is ready, physically and mentally, and just completely exhausted with existing, can the hospital make them ‘comfortable’ so this happens or will they have to try to prolong life?

My parent has a DNR.

Obviously none of us want to lose them, but we hate seeing them in constant pain, depression and struggling to breathe and we know there is no quality of life at all despite best efforts. They’ve remained in their home, have refused a care home and just want to die as peacefully as possible at home (or in hospital). They’re 83.

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
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MysterOfwomanY · 30/08/2025 00:16

Sorry for your loss. I am glad though that you were able to fight her corner successfully in such a difficult situation.

Mischance · 29/08/2025 22:27

Well done for advocating for her and finding a way for your dear Mum to have the death that she wanted. The last loving act that your were able to do for her, and an infinitely precious one. x

Stoufer · 29/08/2025 20:08

I’m so sorry for your loss. I went through similar at Christmas, and I just wanted to say Cruse (bereavement counselling) has been so helpful to me, in the months afterwards. I had six sessions, and it helped so much. It is worth contacting them, when you feel ready. Sending love.

MadKittenWoman · 29/08/2025 20:01

Flowers sorry for your loss.

MadKittenWoman · 29/08/2025 19:59

Not read the whole thread. My DF had had health problems for many years, but was happy enough until he was 87 when he told me he’d had enough.He spent the next year sitting in a chair napping. I was called by my mother at midnight one night to say that he wasn’t going to last the night and had to drive for 3.5 hours to get to him in hospital. He was delirious, didn’t seem to recognise me and had lost the ability to speak English. When the nurses came in, who knew him well, I expressed a wish that they changed him (death is not pleasant) and that I wished they were allowed to give him really big dose of morphine. They sorted him out and we continued our vigil. Shortly after, the nurses entered the room, just in time for him to draw his last breath. They were extremely respectful and I was very grateful to them. We need assisted dying for those that want it now.

Edited for typos.

Marylou62 · 29/08/2025 19:41

I'm so very sorry.. I'm 8 months ahead of you and it has got easier.. sending you strength and love.

OLDERME · 29/08/2025 17:47

The loss of your Mum did sound really peaceful. Take care of yourself now.

deblcouen · 29/08/2025 08:32

I’m sorry for your loss OP

Rocknrollstar · 29/08/2025 08:14

feellikeanalien · 26/08/2025 15:16

If you can find a hospice at home service I think that would make a big difference. When my DP was in the last stages of cancer we had a hospice nurse who came overnight. That would take a big load off your other parent. It just gives a feeling of being supported to the other spouse and they obviously deal with any pain control medication. DP was desperate to be at home and this made it so much easier.
It's so hard isn't it.

Show quote history

We had this service too but it depends on how many other people need it at the same time as to whether or not you get a nurse. If your parent has a DNR they could have refused to be taken to hospital. We did this for my mother but she had had a stroke and was not in pain or gasping for breath. The para medics told us your DNR should be pinned on the kitchen notice board where it can be easily found.

DeliciousCookie · 29/08/2025 07:29

I’m so sorry 😢

Iwasphotoframed · 29/08/2025 07:28

I am so sorry for your loss @SociableAtWork 💐

Original poster
SociableAtWork · 29/08/2025 07:27

I just wanted to update - mum died this morning, and we were very lucky that she didn’t suffer unnecessarily and are relieved she’s at peace finally.

She had full capacity and understood what was happening and make her wishes clear. We were all able to chat, say what we wanted to say, laugh and look at photos etc. She was given oramorph as soon as she was in pain and we took turns to sit with her.

We all feel very lucky that it went as it did and can only imagine what it must be like when it doesn’t, so my heartfelt sympathies for those of you in that position.

People’s support here has meant a lot, thank you.

OP posts:
Marylou62 · 27/08/2025 16:56

Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet · 27/08/2025 16:31

When my best friends dm was near the end I scoured the charity shops for cds of her favourite music... She fell asleep listening to her favourite Johnny Mathis. My friend was comforted her dm went happily.

I sat with mum for a week before she died..it was mid December so I found a CD player and some Xmas CDs.. and I decorated her room too. (She was in a care home). I gave her mini facials and hand massages. Although I still remain devastated she's gone it was a beautiful time and I feel privileged to have been able to spend time with her and will forever treasure the memories.
I'm thinking of you. I hope her end is as peaceful as possible..

Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet · 27/08/2025 16:31

When my best friends dm was near the end I scoured the charity shops for cds of her favourite music... She fell asleep listening to her favourite Johnny Mathis. My friend was comforted her dm went happily.

MsMillyMollyMandy · 27/08/2025 16:28

Sending you my best wishes as I have recently been through very similar with my Dad.
Sadly he wasn’t stable enough to transfer back to the nursing home where he lived with my Mum and because a transfer was still under active consideration he hadn’t been allocated a private room.
You’ve done well to get your Mum into her own room which will be more dignified for her and easier for you to be with her in a quiet setting.

My Dad passed away sooner than we expected, just after my Mum visited.
I think he had been hanging on for that.

Wishing you and your family my heartfelt best wishes in dealing with this situation.
I have felt much sadder than I expected, given that it was what Dad wish and he had capacity to make that decision .

Mischance · 27/08/2025 10:20

I hope her passing is peaceful. I am so pleased you now have agreement with the medics and you are all working towards the same aim.

beetr00 · 26/08/2025 23:08

You're in my thoughts @SociableAtWork

Original poster
SociableAtWork · 26/08/2025 22:49

Thank you all for your kind words, advice and understanding. I’m sorry not to reply sooner but was at the hospital.

She is very poorly indeed and we have all spoken together and with the Drs/nurses looking after her to express our wishes - she has confirmed she is ready to go, and has capacity. The care and understanding shown has been so good.

I feel the Drs have been very transparent and we all understand it is simply a matter of time now (a short time). She is not well enough to transfer to home unfortunately, but does have a lovely private room. She is comfortable and they will continue to ensure she remains comfortable.

Again, thank you so much for replying. I have taken a lot of comfort from your kindness and found the advice invaluable, knowing how to speak frankly with Drs etc. has made a huge difference.

OP posts:
Mischance · 26/08/2025 22:35

Do you or someone in the family have power of attorney for health and welfare?

KingscoteStaff · 26/08/2025 18:43

We had hospice at home who were wonderful. Mum’s GP visited and took all her medication away with him. Mum was ready to go, strong in her faith, and these wonderful people made it possible for her to die quietly at home in a comfortable hospital bed, looking out at her garden. My sister and I have just made a considerable donation to St Christopher’s so that this service continues.

DeliciousCookie · 26/08/2025 17:21

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Our mum (ex nurse and midwife) was cared for at home by us (daughters). She had made it clear she did not want to go into hospital. About a week before the end we had the hospice from home team. They were amazing. We were so grateful for their care and respect to our mum. It was an unbearably heartbreaking time. I send you a huge hug from a stranger and wish you all peace.

Sidebeforeself · 26/08/2025 17:15

@Mischance . You absolutely made the right call I’m sure. But it’s so unfair that not everyone gets the same support from the medical profession in similar circumstances

Mischance · 26/08/2025 16:45

My late OH had Parkinsons. After falling and breaking his femur, and then having surgery, he became totally physically dependent. And in addition he was paranoid and terrified every minute of every day. Everything had been tried to relieve this with no success.
We all took the very difficult decision for him to go to a nursing home ... a very expensive one that involved me selling my home to pay for it.
One day when I went in he clearly had an infection and the home had called the doc who planned to blue light him to hospital.
I said ... just hold on a minute ... what life are we dragging him back to from the brink? What are we doing here?
I insisted he should stay where he was and not be treated. No-one batted an eyelid and immediately ordered in a pack of meds for providing him with a peaceful passing.
The critical factor here was that I had power of attorney, although no-one actually asked to see the documents.
I had nothing but sensitive support from everyone.
The professionals were very clear that I had made the right decision and helped me in every possible way. Several said they would have made the same decision for their loved one.
I hope you can find a way to ease your mother's passing. Sending a hand hold.

AnnaMagnani · 26/08/2025 16:03

Palliative Care Doctor- do you know what the focus of her care is in hospital?
Although she has a DNACPR the team may do everything they can to save her life short of CPR.
Obviously if she has capacity then they will ask her but it is not uncommon for patients to just go along with what they are being told, or for their relatives to know they are confused but staff who aren't familiar with them not to notice.

I would make speaking to the doctor looking after her your top priority so you can explain she has wanted to die for a long time, she wants to die at home and she has only come into hospital because symptoms weren't controlled at home, not for lifesaving measures.

I'd also ask for a review by the hospital Palliative Care Team.

Parksinyork · 26/08/2025 15:56

Your parent can refuse antibotics and all medications part from ones which will make them more comfortable. You need to chat with your parents and find out what they can and then get a consultant to talk to them.

Be aware for some patients, I was told especially those with COPD, may last days when for other patients in the same condition may only have hours.

I hope your parents get the outcome they want.