DM said she sees no point in being alive anymore

My elderly said this frequently. Hard to disagree when you’re late 90’s, have outlived all your 8 siblings and their spouses and numerous nieces and nephews.
”I’ve lived too long” was a frequent lament. But I’m not sure they’d have taken assisted dying even if it’d been available…

All 90+ year olds that I have know (there’s been a few) said this. I think that just comes a point that you know you’re done, and you’re literally waiting to die.

My grandmother says this too. Like your mother she's frail and breathless. She has fallen a few times in the past couple of years meaning stays in hospital. She can be quite negative and it's a lot for my mum.

My grandmother still stays at home and refuses carers though I'm not sure how much long she can go on like this. Her parents died young (in their 50s) and her brother was in his 60s when he passed. My grandad has been dead for over 20 years and she can't quite believe she's still alive. It must be hard when you've no independence and your friends have gone. I've no words of wisdom here but I can sympathise and I know it's mentally draining for my mum.

My parents both reached the point where they felt ‘done’. They were both sensible, generally positive people, but they’d had long lives and didn’t want to linger. DM got pneumonia, which she’d long referred to as ‘the old man’s friend’, declined treatment for it and died reasonably peacefully shortly thereafter. DF somewhat similar. In both cases it’s what they would have called ‘a blessed release’. I consider myself very fortunate to have had parents who didn’t get beyond the point of having the ‘will to die’, as it were.

For any other animal we'd allow them to be put to sleep if they were this old and their quality of life was this miserable/low. It's so sad that this isn't an option if she'd want it. Forcing people to live in misery because euthanasia makes some people feel uncomfortable is so selfish. I'm sorry you're having to go through this OP, it must really take its toll on you too.

My mother began saying this two months before she died. She actually asked for a pill to hasten her demise, but was of course refused. She was told that she was within her rights to stop taking the plethora of heart meds that were keeping her alive, which she promptly did. Nonetheless, she lasted longer than we were expecting (and certainly much longer than she’d hoped).

As you’ve quite rightly realised, only your mother could say whether her life had any value. With my mother, our instincts were to say “Oh come on Mummy”… but her care team set us straight quite quickly.

Sending you courage

My DM says things like this regularly. I think it's perfectly reasonable on her part as she is frail and can't do a lot of the things she enjoys.

Obviously I will be very upset when she dies, but I think it's OK for someone to be ready to die when they have reached a significant age and can look back on their long life.

I can imagine feeling like that!

It's so tough on you. Will she just be negative if you ask what you can do to help her?

My grandmother (who died at 94 and was in generally in good health, lived independently up until her death, no carers) used to say she thought she should have died in her late 70s. It made me feel quite negative about old age, in some ways.

But also it was fair enough that she felt like that, it was true for her.

I think you did really well to acknowledge it. It must be super hard though. Look after yourself too.

My mother, 92, is also saying things like this occasionally.

She’s just more than ready to go (and has never been a patient person in the first place).

My DM repeatedly said similar for the last four or five years of her life. To start with I tried to jolly her out of it a bit, but by the last year or so, it was hard to disagree that objectively her life was increasingly limited and painful, she had lost two of the people she loved most, had to leave the home she never wanted to leave etc, so I could only sympathise and try to make small improvements as much as I could. But it is hard to cope with when it is unrelenting.

Of course, older people can suffer from depression (on top of everything else), and might be helped by medication - is this something you think is worth exploring with her and her GP? Or is her life just horrible and depressing no matter how you look at it?

It is not uncommon for a person to have those thoughts when over the age of 90.

Good that you acknowledged her feelings. Let her take the lead, if she wants to talk about it some more.

I wish you and your mother all the best.

I think you responded exactly correctly by letting her tell her truth and not minimising or trying to jolly her out of it in any way.
If she is up to outings is it worth asking her if there is anything she would like to see or do that would be possible for you to make happen?

This is why euthanasia should be legal. She is old, frail, ill, struggling and very aware of how much of a burden she is becoming. Keeping her alive for the next few years just because that’s what is done even when she has expressed she’s done her time and isn’t happy anymore feels wrong.
Shes in her 90’s, undoubtedly has had a very fulfilling and busy life and knows she’s just got to deteriorate until she finally passes, possibly from an illness or in a hospital bed at any time.
Who actually wants to get old like this?

You did the best possible thing by acknowledging how she feels. It would be a relief to her if you allowed her to talk more about it. This might be hard for you, both because she's your mum and you've taken on a role of cheering her up, but it really is the right thing to do. Imagine if you felt so strongly about something this important and people around you kept telling you you are wrong to feel that way. Good luck.