But you’re my carer!

@MusicaltheatremumI'm sorry for your loss
She’s not interested in Wiltshire farm foods so far. She’s very fussy on what she will eat so is very limited when it comes to any kind of ready meal. Very old fashioned British meals of meat or fish, veg and potatoes. She was on about a roast dinner yesterday and I don’t even make those for myself. I don’t have time really. I’ll request the Wiltshire Farm Foods catalogue and she can look at it. There’s a local company that delivers hot meals so she’s going to have to try those. She looks to be for all the answers and I haven’t got them all. My holiday was much needed and I don’t feel I’ve had a break because I’ve come back to extra stress. She doesn’t want to be a burden of course 🙄 yet decided to ignore red flag symptoms for days meaning that in the day I was travelling home she tells me about them and I have to tell her to go to A&E and try and organise things from trains with shite phone signal. If she’d have gone while on holiday she’d have not been in this current mess so I’m really pissed off with her. My mum is lovely usually but this is killing our relationship.

It’s really tempting to say no I’m not and walk away but she’d have no one then. My sister wouldn’t step up, she’d just say she needs to be in a home. She doesn’t need to be in a home because she’s independent with washing and dressing and can do things, it’s just that she’s in pain and finds it difficult. She’d get even worse in a home.
I’m going to see her today to do the cleaning, change the bedding and see what’s what. I told her yesterday she needed to be less mentally reliant on me yet that didn’t sink in. I’m going to tell her I will go on set days to do things and other people will have to work around me not me work around them. I’ll have told her on Tuesday that I’ll be up on say, Thursday after a day off on Wednesday and she’ll say oh I don’t need you because my sister it her friend is visiting. My sister visits for about an hour and doesn’t do anything and the friend is a precision visit so she manages fine on those days. My plans get messed around then because she’s arranged things on the days I go so I have to change my days off and working days to fit. They stops as of this week.
I’m also telling her she needs to get her phone sorted to be separate from mine. They are linked, through Apple ID I think, so that if I block my family they are also blocked on her phone which isn’t ok. I’ll sort that today.
I told her to take a meal out of the freezer last night for tonight so I hope she’s done that. She doesn’t forward plan then it’s me that is expected to sort things out. She’s got 3 Alexa devices in her bungalow to remind her about medication and anything else she needs reminding about so there’s no excuse for forgetting things.
I’ll be reminding her of the Silver Line phone line to ring instead of me all the time. She’s only really got 2 friends and is pretty isolated but strongly denies this when mentioned. I’ve said that she’s got to start going to some of the local groups for people her age to get out and see other people socially. Her conversation is so limited because she doesn’t do anything and doesn’t see anyone except me most days. I hate this role reversal as does mum. She looked after her mum and dad, separately, and with the help of her sister, but it was nothing like I do. She was paid £20 by my grandad and seems to resent paying me. She forgets that she had tens of thousands from my grandad over the years to get her out of messes in her 40s/50s/60s including the deposit for her house. I feel really angry and resentful this morning and have woken up with a bad headache and blocked nose as well as a crick in my neck so I’m grumpy 😁 Ah well, I’ll see what I can get sorted today.

Sorry, I was speaking to mum in the middle of typing that.
Mum gives me her attendance allowance, or £400 of it which works out around £2.50 am hour based on the 35 hrs required to be an official carer. I do more than that so it’s less per hour. To pay someone, or rather multiple people, to do what I do a week, it would be costing a few thousand. I did start keeping a diary of my hours and in my week off when the carers were in I still spent 25 hours doing stuff for mum. Mainly coming and sorting out the shite carers.
I love doing her gardening and will spend 4 hours easy gardening each week. That’s £100 alone. Cleaning is around 3-4 hours. Then there’s meals, shopping and all the rest. It takes me an hour to get there and back. I go straight from taking my Ds to school, work solid, walk home, quickly eat lunch, pick up ds, walk home, make dinner, homework, showers, laundry etc then crash into bed around 9pm exhausted. I try to have one week day off and one weekend day. It doesn’t always work out like that but it’s an average. I did all her packing for her holiday, booked the holiday, booked the carers, booked a Waitrose delivery for when she got back, got her to get my sister to make her a meal the night before she went, and basically made sure everything was in place for her before and after and during her holiday whilst packing for myself and the 2dc. Yet, I’m not doing enough for what she pays me according to my sister.
I feel much better for a good rant, thank you. I’m off to find some chocolate!

I think the lines are blurred and POA has been brought up today as in well, you have POA so it’s your problem. Mum doesn’t have any issues affecting ting her capacity so POA is irrelevant. My siblings are just sore mum chose me but I’m the one who she can rely on for things and who knows her well enough to advocate for her. It was my sister messaging last night asking for mum’s medical info because she’s got no idea.
Ive told her she’s got to have the hot meal delivery. She’s fed up of M&S ready meals and choices are limited for someone to bring her a hot meal if she can’t do it herself. The problem is that things are changeable and when she has people do things that she can do herself but it’s easier to let them do it, she deskills and ends up worse. I expect being on holiday and having roast dinners brought to the table has spoilt her a bit. My sister wanted to know why I wasn’t making mum 3 meals a day. I make her lunch when I’m there but otherwise I’ve got my children to feed at mealtimes and she’s quite capable of heating soup or sticking something in the microwave or making a sandwich. She doesn’t need regular toast dinners ffs.