But you’re my carer!

Except that it is illegal to employ anyone at less than NMW which is £12.21h. So OP should be getting £488.40pw from family for her work, not £80. And she should have 5 weeks holiday a year. Paid.

I'd stop doing any of it if I were you. Tell your mum to advertise the post.

Your problem is you've chosen to make it your 'job' by accepting money for it. Only you can decide if it's worth it. Accepting money has made it very easy for your siblings to absolve themselves of any responsibility.

It's not right, obviously, but nothing will change if you don't change things.

This is one of the few situations where I'd have no guilt at all telling a white lie. I'd say that you have a medical issue that is getting worse and due to this you have to step down as her carer.

The medical issue is your stress/anxiety/potential depression if you continue to be treated like the family's own Cinderella.

You do not have to explain it to anyone or justify the decision. But you do need to make the decision to stop and not then go back on it. Say you will visit once a week as a daughter but can't promise more than that, and that practical and strenuous regular care needs to be shared among other family members from now on or sourced from outside the family.

How familiar! The siblings will come up with all sorts of worthy reasons why they cannot do! Been there and got the t-shirt!

This is a very good idea.

I haven't read through the responses, sorry but I may duplicate what someone else has said but..... I am really sorry you are having this burden put onto you. I work in Social Care and see this happening every day.

All I can suggest is that you arrange for a Social Care assessment to be done, you can request this online usually. Your mum could be entitled to a care package at home (hopefully AM, lunch and PM at least) which would give you some respite. She may only need to contribute a little to this if she is under threshold too. Unsure what this is in your area.

Your mum is able to do some things for herself still and should be encouraged to do so, it will ensure she stays independent for longer. You dropping everything and running will only decrease her ability to care for herself, so you will be doing her a favour in the long run. She is asking you to do it as you are the easiest to manipulate, so you can only change the way in which you react - you cannot change her or your family members unfortunately.

Start to say No, firmly and calmly. The more you do it, the more easy it becomes. Try it when you are at home on your own, practice it through the day, tell people in your home that you are practicing and let them join in and support you! Honestly, you will be at high risk of carer breakdown/burnout if you don't, and then who will step up to help your mum?

Take care, sending a virtual hug. Its OK to say no, especially if there is an arrangement with an agency for three visits a day set up which will need to still be paid for if she turns them away.

I can’t remember how many hours you said you were doing per week, but if you are only getting £2 per hour, then if you were to even just do those hours in a NMW job, you would be getting an extra £10.21 an hour. So if you are doing 40 hours per week for your mum that is approx £408 per week in additional wages (pre-tax) that you are missing out on. So for a month, that is £1632 (pre-tax) additional wages that you are missing out on. Or look at it another way, that you are ‘giving’ your Mum. Can you afford to ‘give’ (subsidise) your Mum £1632 a month??? If you had that extra £1632 per month, what would you do with it? I imagine a good proportion would be building up savings / pension pot for your future.

Getting a social care assessment may make your mum actually face what things she can actually do herself - as she will have to justify it to an independent person - the assessor. She will never probably admit these things if it is just to you (as she wants to have your attention / help, as she is lonely). They will essentially come up with a recommendation about what care your Mum needs. Maybe it will be a care visit once a day, to provide support with a hot meal at lunch time (and maybe making a sandwich tea that your Mum can have at tea time)? Maybe also making a hot drink in a sipper flask that your Mum can drink throughout the afternoon?

It may work out cheaper for your Mum to then also have a cleaner (they can come once or twice a week, whatever your Mum prefers), and a gardener, rather than relying on carers to do household tasks (if she would rather have the carers focus on meals for her).

There are also charities that can allot a certain number of hours for a person needing care, and someone can come over for a couple of hours to keep them company, or take them out.

It will actually be better for her as well, in the long run, to outsource the ‘daily grind’ parts of her care to a paid carer / agency, whether that is paid for or subsidised by the council, or she pays for it herself. Ultimately, it will avoid family members (especially you) having ‘care fatigue’ and withdrawing from her substantially / or having a poor relationship with her, and it would mean that instead of using your precious hours to do the housework / gardening / cooking etc then you could devote the 4 hours that you would have spend on the garden actually taking her out to a garden centre for lunch, of to the local stately home / gardens, or taking her to a local social group / drop-in sessions, or even just sitting with her chatting and having a cup of tea / doing a jigsaw or whatever.

If she can face up to keeping whatever independence she can get - and doing / planning things strategically to get more efficient at managing daily life, then her relationships with family will improve and she will be less lonely.

And your situation will massively improve. You need to consider what time you are willing to commit to her on a weekly or monthly basis as a daughter (not a carer), whether it is more regular ‘popping round’ for an hour to visit on a few days a week, or whether you have a particular afternoon that you go over, and plan to do something nice with her. As she has mobility issues (with a walking frame), it may mean that she needs to get a folding wheelchair for trips out with you. But there are plenty of taxis available that can accommodate a folding wheelchair in the boot.

Sorry for such a long post - but changing things now (and being firm that you are no longer able to subsidise her care costs by £1600 per month), will have a massive improvement on both of your lives. She might say that she is not willing or able to pay for a high level of care - but she is essentially expecting you to pay for it (in the opportunity cost of you having to work for £2 an hour, rather than £12.21 an hour).

My parent has 2 carers, 4 times a day, and the total cost of this is around £2400 a month, but she only pays a proportion of that (as it has all been arranged via the adult social care team). It was a big transition for my mum (and one that she was very unwilling to have, at the start), but in some ways she absolutely loves it now, as she has started to see the carers as friends, and she really gets on well with them, and she really enjoys the social aspect of it.

Also - Wiltshire Farm foods, they have various meals like roast dinners that come with veg (in the different compartments in the ready meal container), and they are great. They also have things that are more like standard ready meals (like pasta, eg macaroni cheese) - and it may be cheaper to get the standard ready meal type meal from somewhere else (eg Iceland), and just use Wiltshire Farm foods for the more complicated meals (that come with veg etc). My mum has them - you can order them over the phone, and the person that delivers them can put them straight in the freezer for you.

I would tell family to back off unless they are prepared to organise a rota schedule of care for her so it is shared across different family membersz then they do not get to dictate or tell you how and when you should be caring for her. Maybe your mum needs a proper carer too as you have children and cant be at her beck and call.

I think the OP is in part time work, but I agree about not claiming her Attendance allowance.
If the siblings want to arrange for paid carers on their days, that can come out of the AA.

From what you've posted, you should qualify for PIP (even though you work and care for her) and your adult child may qualify for PIP (though perhaps with drug problems it won't be a good idea) and your DCs if neurodiverse and needing extra care would qualify for DLA.
I think it sounds like your priorities are:

1. Sort out her phone because then you can work independently from her re. blocking etc. I have no idea though how easy it will be to un-link an iPhone from an Apple ID, because I've just got a new iPad and couldn't remember my password but because I had an Apple ID they wouldn't let me just start from scratch. But even if you have to set her up with her own email address that she doesn't ever access.
2. Tell her which days you are available and block her number and those of your siblings on your non-available days. Put a calendar in her house showing days you are on duty and days you are not. Let your siblings know and order food (even if she says she doesn't like it, if she can't get through to you to complain she can eat it, or not).
3. Do your gardening which you like doing on the days you are there anyway (stops her bending your ear about things you don't want to do).
4. If there are any hospital appointments etc. on a sibling day tell them how to arrange hospital transport if they can't take her (scrap that, just tell them Hospital Transport Is Available and if they come over all helpless tell them Google it).

It will only get worse. As you are claiming Carers Allowance and taking the Attendance Allowance none your siblings will ever lift a finger as that makes for a good excuse.

Personally I would stop taking any money and get yourself into part time work. Mum can then use the money to pay for help and all siblings will need to step up equally.

Ask for another assessment by social services. I know that agencies can be a nightmare and mess you around. Your mum can ask for direct payments and employ a carer directly who can act in more of a PA type role.

I experienced the opposite previously. My half sister manipulated me into relocating and employing the biological mother as my carer and housing her. Then thought she could dictate when the biological mother was allowed to do tasks for me. Once I settled in to the new place I put a stop to it and was subsequently dumped by all. Now I have no contact after trying again a few more times. I have more stability and security. I understand as a fellow Autistic women it is difficult as you feel morally obliged to support. Your role is to be as healthy as you can for you and your children. Feel free to PM if you want further advice and guidance I am a policy analyst.

This sounds awful. There is no reason it has to continue. If your mum has capacity, she needs to do her own thinking rather than relying on you.

I would let everyone know you can no longer manage the caring hours, and that you won't take any money. If you want, offer to visit on a day that suits you, and say you can spend x hours doing shopping/cleaning/gardening if she makes a list in order of importance.

Persevere with carers, it's not always ideal, but you'll burnout otherwise.

Then take a step back. You'll likely get a lot of pushback, but stick to your guns. You're being terribly abused by your family.

I think you should stop being your mum’s ‘carer’, and start being her ‘daughter’ again, like your other siblings. I think you need to protect your own future, it sounds like you may become financially vulnerable - in terms of think about how you will manage financially in the future.

I think now is the time to actually ramp up your proper paid employment - it sounds like you are subsidising your mum to the tune of £1000s of pounds a month - and unless you have substantial means / savings, then you are doing this at the expense of your own (and possibly your dcs’) future financial security.

You need to contact the adult social care department in your council, and ask for an adult social care assessment. You can be there when this happens, and can make sure you tell the assessor what things your mum actually needs doing for her, and what things she has done for her. They can make recommendations, and if your mum has savings over £23k (if in England) then any care need that is identified, she will need to pay for herself, but if she has savings less than £23k, then you can help her fill in a financial assessment form, which goes through income / expenditure / savings etc, and the amount she has to contribute will be worked out from this basis.

If she is on the lower end of the financial spectrum (not too much in savings, and not too much in income), then it may just be the attendance allowance that she will need to contribute to the care. I have to go - but will post again shortly!

Maybe you could check out charities for the elderly too for support. Meals on wheels etc.

It sounds like she needs someone else to have on standby (not you, you're doing enough by the sound of things). A neighbour or family member/friend maybe

You need to cut back on what you’re doing. 4 hours of gardening a week is ridiculous if you’re already pushed for time. It won’t affect your mum if the garden has a few weeds or if the grass is allowed to get a bit overgrown before you mow it. Unless your mum has acres of land you really shouldn’t need to spend 4 hours a week gardening! 4 hours cleaning a week seems a lot as well if it is just your mum at home alone, I assume she must live in a huge house. Maybe she needs to look at moving into a smaller place so that she can maintain her independence for longer.

Why don’t you use online delivery to do her shopping to save you having to go to the shops and back? Considering you don’t drive this would surely be much easier and save you time and effort. You can arrange a delivery slot for a time you would be there anyway.

She must be dying of thirst if she’s waited for you to come home from your holiday? 🤨

Cheeky mare.

@Dormit I’ve been you in this situation .. You just have to put your boundaries up and if it comes to it, stop being your mum’s carer You seem to have enough on your plate as it is use that as an excuse and get out of it .. If it’s due to the money side of it, for example you get carers allowance are either of your children on DLA ? I promise myself, I’ll never get myself into that situation again. I just now say I’m not doing it.