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Elderly parents
Original poster

But you’re my carer!

213 replies

Dormit · 17/08/2025 17:47

How do you respond to this? I’m just back off holiday and my mum has asked me to go up (a 30 min walk uphill-I don’t drive) to make her a cup of tea because she’s upset and a bit shakey. When I said no, I got the but you’re my carer retort as though that means drop everything and do what she wants. She’s quite capable of making a cup of tea and food. Hospital has just discharged her and deemed her medically fit and safe and she’s just been on holiday. I’ve explained I’m cooking dinner for my children and can’t get up for a couple of hours. I’ve not had lunch yet today due to being on the phone with her and the hospital and messaging family who have only given me grief. I’ve just come back off a week holiday and feel like I wasn’t supposed to have any time off. Family are saying I shouldn’t take any money for what I do for her (£2 an hour). I’m her official carer and barely get time to eat lunch on days I am there (4-6 days depending) and yet family (who do fuck all) are saying it’s only what any daughter would do. I put in around 40 hours a week and am on call constantly. I do her shopping, gardening, cleaning, cooking, banking and all admin, hospital and GP appointments, transport booking, holiday booking, gift and card buying, DIY, liaising with all professionals and lots and lots of emotional support. I was exhausted and needed that week away and have come back to being told by family that I abandoned her. I organised carers to be there in the days that I wasn’t and she told me she wouldn’t need carers today so I cancelled them. I’m so pissed off.

OP posts:
Stoufer · 19/08/2025 11:53

Maybe a gradual start with external support is needed, perhaps a carer for a couple of hours a week, paid for privately? (Rather than a full week of respite care, straight off the bat)

Stoufer · 19/08/2025 11:52

Dormit · 19/08/2025 11:19

Respite care is £1080 a week so she’ll say no to that.
Stepping back today is telling g her she’s responsible for her own prescriptions. She forgets to tell me she’s running out and then I’m running round between the GP and pharmacy fixing the situation. Doing it herself might force her to be more organised. I don’t see why she can’t do her own online shop either. Me being so competent allows her to be incompetent when there’s no reason why she can’t do it herself.

Does her regular pharmacy have a service for vulnerable patients? We weren’t told about this by the GP, but had similar issues to you, and discussing it with the pharmacy, they said they could put my Mum on their register of vulnerable patients, and I think this means that they actually request the repeat prescriptions from the GP on Mum’s behalf, and they also do a home delivery service for the meds. If there is a problem (or a change needed), then Mum can call the pharmacy, who will adjust / change etc. The pharmacy seems much easier to get in contact with (than the GP), and they have been extremely helpful.

Does your parent have a smartphone? Can you set up reminders on it, that will pop up when she needs to order repeat prescriptions, or whatever? Or is she reliant on a paper diary - if so you can fill in the diary for the rest of the year with reminders for when she needs to re-order repeat prescriptions. I have stuck useful phone numbers on the outside cover of the diary as well, to make it super-easy.

Original poster
Dormit · 19/08/2025 11:19

Respite care is £1080 a week so she’ll say no to that.
Stepping back today is telling g her she’s responsible for her own prescriptions. She forgets to tell me she’s running out and then I’m running round between the GP and pharmacy fixing the situation. Doing it herself might force her to be more organised. I don’t see why she can’t do her own online shop either. Me being so competent allows her to be incompetent when there’s no reason why she can’t do it herself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dormit · 18/08/2025 21:32

Just for clarity, Dd went to see her grandmother because she enjoys a chat over tea, not because she had to. We were going up together but she said she’d prefer to go later as she likes one to one time with grandma.

@TheGoldoffEternalwho knows why anyone is abusive? They’ve always been like that once I stopped being so well behaved and developed my own opinions and didn’t keep quiet about things like my dad drink driving with me in the car.

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TheGoldoffEternal · 18/08/2025 20:04

Dormit · 17/08/2025 18:39

She has a chronic condition that means she’s physically disabled and mobilising is very painful. She walks with a wheeled frame but does struggle to stand and cook. I got her the parsley box catalogue and she threw it away. I’ve got information of a local hot meal service and she wasn’t keen on that. We have these weeks of leaning on me far too much and then weeks where she’s pretty great and getting on with stuff. This is one of the shit weeks. She’s admitted to not doing her exercises whilst on holiday which is partially why she’s in a state today because the exercises are as important as the medication . Grrrr.

Why your siblings treat you in such a way?

TheGoldoffEternal · 18/08/2025 19:59

Dormit · 18/08/2025 18:40

I’ve enquired about a week of respite care but told her it’s a minimum of £1000. She doesn’t see why she’d need respite care. She asks me what’s changed as in why are you putting boundaries in place? I’ve told her she’s become more and more needy and I can’t do the level of care she needs. I’ve told her she’s got to be more active as per all the professionals; go out socially to one of the groups run for older people locally; get back to her seated exercise class next month when it restarts; make sure she does her back exercises daily; stop with the emotional manipulation shit; learn how to use her phone to google; stop relying on me to think for her. She forgot to give me a birthday card to post today and I was in such a rush I forgot. She’s not mentioned it and I’m not doing so either. This is exactly the kind of thing I don’t need to do for her. I’ll post it, even buy it, but I’m not doing any thinking around it. That’s her responsibility.

you have to move her to 55plus appartment. She cannot sit home and suddenly stop thinking or move her ass to the stove for a cup of tea. That is ridiculous.

VividGreen · 18/08/2025 19:58

Ouch

TheGoldoffEternal · 18/08/2025 19:56

I would not do this with 3 other siblings, run myself to the ground so when my mum dies, the other 3 just grab their share of home and assets having sown nothing in it.

ChoccyJules · 18/08/2025 19:53

I appreciate how hard this is for you, especially given it’s all about family dynamics. But you say you have taken a step back today and then state that your DD has gone up there. That’s still your family carrying the load. You need to stop for your children’s sake if not for yourself. Stop and see what happens. Who would she ring if you didn’t answer?

the5thgoldengirl · 18/08/2025 19:39

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the5thgoldengirl · 18/08/2025 19:35

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Original poster
Dormit · 18/08/2025 18:40

I’ve enquired about a week of respite care but told her it’s a minimum of £1000. She doesn’t see why she’d need respite care. She asks me what’s changed as in why are you putting boundaries in place? I’ve told her she’s become more and more needy and I can’t do the level of care she needs. I’ve told her she’s got to be more active as per all the professionals; go out socially to one of the groups run for older people locally; get back to her seated exercise class next month when it restarts; make sure she does her back exercises daily; stop with the emotional manipulation shit; learn how to use her phone to google; stop relying on me to think for her. She forgot to give me a birthday card to post today and I was in such a rush I forgot. She’s not mentioned it and I’m not doing so either. This is exactly the kind of thing I don’t need to do for her. I’ll post it, even buy it, but I’m not doing any thinking around it. That’s her responsibility.

OP posts:
Stoufer · 18/08/2025 18:15

I think you should get a job outside the home - do it for you. I think it will give you a good sense of fulfilment - I bet you don’t get any of that from your mum (who is probably massively taking you for granted). Then no-one can expect you to do everything for your mum. Then you can return to a role of daughter, who visits and does the odd errand, but mainly just spends time visiting as a guest (rather than a carer). Sometimes you have to be really firm. If she does not qualify for subsidised care visits, the adult social care team can still help arrange care visits, that the person pays for in its entirety. Even if she has just one care visit a day, that would help, and would get things established for when care needs (and care visits) increase. Or would she consider going in to supported accommodation / care home? If no-one else will step up, and she will not take responsibility for increasing her independence then she will have to consider moving… she may respond to that sort of either/or discussion…

SockFluffInTheBath · 18/08/2025 17:22

Sad truth is SS will do nothing while you’re hovering. We’ve had a nightmare getting carers because we’re next door, and in SS eyes that means we’re available 24/7. You need to let them all down and turn your phone off, better still block them all for a while (forever). The system is not in our favour. I don’t know whose favour it is in, but it’s not ours.

Original poster
Dormit · 18/08/2025 17:11

I’ve told SS it’s killing me and I can’t keep going at this pace so I’m hoping they might at least suggest something.
With mum’s condition there’s a fine line between helping her and helping her too much so that she loses the ability to be independent. It’s a case of making things easier for her to do for herself.
I am resentful at the moment. I had a lovely week away and was thrown into a mess when I got back. Mum has said she will have to deal with the consequences of her own poor decisions this last week and I’ve agreed that yes, she will, whether she likes it or not. This mess is of her own making and it’s not my responsibility to fix it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dormit · 18/08/2025 16:57

Have I batted away suggestions without thought? I’ve considered each one and weighed it against what has been tried already or suggested to my mum. I have taken a step back today. Could have gone back up this afternoon/this evening but haven’t. I could have gone last night to do dinner but didn’t. I’ve contacted social services and they have spoken to mum and are going to do an assessment. She’s got a private appointment with her consultant this week to discuss options and pain relief. I’m reducing my days and have told her she’s got to start thinking for herself. Tomorrow I will go and clean, change the bed, laundry, water the garden and do whatever else needs doing but limit it to a few hours. She is quite capable of getting the telephone number for the carers and arranging care if she wants more than I willing to give. 35 hours a week is 5 hours a day.

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TizerorFizz · 18/08/2025 16:53

Where I live SS refuse to assess if elderly person is deemed capable after leaving hospital. You can try and find private carers and pay. They are not interested if there’s a relative and older person can get meals. If the relative stops caring, then they might assess but here it’s down to individuals to arrange and pay for their care.

VividGreen · 18/08/2025 16:53

Dormit
It sounds like you are resenting being asked to do things. Feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated is the worst. I understand x

SockFluffInTheBath · 18/08/2025 16:49

I don’t know the answer Dormit. It seems every family is the same with one or two doing the heavy lifting, and many more visiting occasionally and criticising. You’ve had many good suggestions, many on a theme, but I know how hard (impossible) it feels to just stop. Try to look after yourself. Your DC are priority #1, you are actually priority #2, everything else in the world is priority #3.

Zucker · 18/08/2025 16:45

Nothing is going to change for you until you step back and admit to yourself that it is impossible to be everything to everyone. Your boundaries are so low that even as people on this thread are making suggestions you are batting them away without thought. It's unlikely your mother needs the level of care she is demanding at the moment as she seems to have managed just fine without you for the week. Why is that?

Who cares what other people think or don't think you should be doing. The whole crew are taking you for a mug at this stage. Your other siblings are right to step back, you should follow their lead or this will kill you. Some Older folks (some!) get more selfish as they age, your mother doesn't see anything wrong with making you walk for 30 minutes to make tea because her wants trump everything else. Do they? Did your mother slave away for an elderly relative in her day so is this where the expectation comes from? Stop trying to answer all the what ifs and let some of them happen.

Original poster
Dormit · 18/08/2025 16:44

I’ve had a carers assessment and do claim the carers element of UC. We were told the AA is to pay for any care needs she has. It would pay for 13 hours a month of care.

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the5thgoldengirl · 18/08/2025 16:34

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Original poster
Dormit · 18/08/2025 16:03

I only call it my job because my teenagers and their abusive dad plus those like my sister and auntie don’t think I do any work. Everything I do for my mum doesn’t count as work because it’s not a proper job. They think I should get a proper job and help my mum. I think I’m supposed to do that instead of sleep at night or when I’m
not physically with my mum or doing things for her. So between the hours of midnight to 6am plus about 1 full day a week. There’s not one day where I’m not doing something for my mum, even if it’s just an email or phone call or picking up something from the shops.

I’ve said that for the rest of the holidays I’ll do 3 days a week. That was I’ve still got time to rest and spend time with my children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dormit · 18/08/2025 15:54

Im not really employed by her, she just gives me some of her AA because my brother told her it wasn’t fair to not pay me. She was only giving me £50 a week but when she realised how much the carers cost then it increased especially as I was doing so much in the garden.
I get her shopping delivered mainly but all items that she needs from the local shops I just pick up. Prescriptions are a nightmare because she doesn’t tell me she’s running out until she’s got 3 left of something and I don’t always remember to check her cupboard. Really it’s something that she should be doing herself, I shouldn’t have to be checking. We have tried prescription delivery but it’s not always worked out. I’m going to look into alternatives. A dosette box might be a good idea.
She’s had a few gardeners and not been happy with them because they don’t get as much done as me. I happily do a border until it’s perfect which is thanks to being ND with the hyper focus perfectionist traits. It’s taken months to get the garden to a really nice space for her. Gardeners are around £25 an hour and get so little done. Not tried a cleaner.

Things need to change and I’m doing what I can to make those changes to improve things for her as well as me.
Maybe someone going in to do her breakfast might allow more independence later in the day. My Dd is doing her a sandwich for later and is there now spilling the tea over a cup of tea and a cinnamon swirl that I took up.
I’ve explained that she needs to do more otherwise she’ll get more dependent and less able to do things for herself. She understands but it’s hard for her to implement it.

OP posts: