The capacity dilemma - balancing what my parents want with what is sensible

They're not going to live for 10 years though are they, how many centenarian couples are there, esp ones with over a decade of Parkinsons? (Though I see where you're coming from @BlueLegume - I sometimes feel my mother will outlive us all). By the time a suitable house was bought and adapted they'd be at least 94 and 95. Selling their home, decluttering, moving all their stuff would also take its toll.

Could they not move to the nearby care home on a 'respite' basis? You could be a bit slippery and say that it's order to sell their house and look for a potential house to buy? Their health needs will have inevitably changed in that time - we found that we were always exploring solutions that quickly became obsolete.

Ask him who will deal with estate agents / buyers coming to their home to view ? The paperwork , the packing up and moving ? The setting out of furniture / unpacking buying curtains , new furnishings etc etc .
A massive thing to arrange at that age , and you can't do it all 4 hours away .

@SussexPup oh goodness yet another set of selfish parents. I say welcome to the elderly parents thread but I say it with a heavy heart. So many of us, probably similar ages having life irrevocably impacted by parents.

You will get some good and kind advice on here from people who have lived the same experience. You may also get those who tell you what a privilege it is to still have parents and that you should step up to the plate. FWIW I don’t think you should - I gave far too much of myself and it made me ill and almost broke my marriage up.

Think practically a house move at that age will at best be for say 10 years and all of those years will see a deterioration in both parents. A move to a care home might not be what they want but I would say what they need is more important. You may wish to consider a nursing home as a care home might not be able to look after the needs of someone with Parkinson’s in a few years.

It is such an unspoken topic in the wider world. I got so unwell with things I ended up at my GP - so more pressure on the NHS. It is all well and good medicating all these illnesses but my Dad, also Parkinson’s has had zero quality of life for around 8 years now. He is in a nursing home as a care home was not enough for him. As @Supersimkin7 stand firm. Vent on here whenever you need to.

They’re just going to get worse, so you can’t let them suggest so much work for others in the first place.That’s a lot, a lot of work.

Parkinson’s affects other personality traits as well as the more obvious dementia signs, so it’s no surprise DF is being a little bit selfish. And he might get impossible, really impossible, just so you know.

So don’t engage with the house plan. Bright, breezy, care home brochures.

Failing that, social services won’t let them move house when they’re completely incapable IF you say you can’t do all the work for the next decade.

So get them reassessed and tell SS first you’re not doing the heavy lifting because it’s unreasonable.

You have act in their best interests but those interests don’t outweigh those of other people - that’s the law, and very sensible it is too.

I’m in the same position - two parents wrecked in mind and body, both blithely self-seeking. For decades.

They don’t look out for each other and are determined to claim the debt DM growls her DC ‘owe me’. Not that much, we don’t. I don’t think you owe your parents for giving birth to you at all, as it happens.

We’ve already looked after them for longer than we were dependent on them as parents.

Stand firm, they’ll try anything and they don’t have a right to ruin your life.