Anyone else having to care for not amazing but not awful parents ?

And, like many others, I'm a "sandwich' carer...I still have dc at school/home.
My parents and pils didn't have to do any care for their respective parents...they had all died by their late 70s and none were ill/disabled beforehand.
I do think gen x women have had the shitty end of the stick wrt expectations of care, both from family and the nhs/government!

@Bababear987
I agree.
I do a lot for my mum - I basically run her life/home for her but I will not do personal care or cleaning...she gets attendance allowance for that.
I have my own house to clean!
Mum and I aren't close. She wasn't a great mum tbh, but I do my best to make sure she has all she needs and is comfortable.

I honestly dont think anyone loves looking after elderly parents.

Mine are only in their 50s and 60s so not at that hurdle yet but my mum who works FT is constantly being guilt tripped into doing more and more for her parents. It makes me resent them so much and tbh I think it's made me clear that I will be doing very little when the time comes to it. I love my mum so much and we are very close and I dont want to resent her and hate spending time with her or feel obligated to being her carer.

My grandparents refuse any type of help or a cleaner and their house is dirty, the bathroom is disgusting but now my mum is talking about going over and cleaning their house every week. My attitude would be to leave it, it's their choice to live like that, they have plenty of money. Why do people feel like it's their duty in these types of situations? I'm not trying to be an ass I'm genuinely asking why people give in to their elderly relatives then get surprised at burn out and resentment etc

Just leave them to it. If they fall they fall, maybe next time theyll learn. From working with elderly people I know how stubborn and selfish they can be but all that does is make me more convinced that you have to take a step back and let things happen and if that is the only way to give them a wake up call so be it.

Op I'm not in this situation as my parents are dead...but I have to say I've never heard anyone I know say that looking after elderly parents is a privilege or something they love doing. In fact I've only ever heard people saying how tough it is...yes they love their parents but I don't think anyone particularly enjoys taking on this responsibility to be honest. Sounds like standard social media guff...u know like when parents say they love every minute of child rearing and making memories and blah blah blah. It's mostly nonsense and a way to make themselves either feel better or look good to others.

It is so important that people talk about finding themselves in these situations. Both of my parents are dead a number of years, one suddenly and one after a brief illness. So we never got to this stage of needing care. But I see MIL, who says quite openly that her children "owe" her! And like many of you, it's focused on her daughters rather than her sons. It makes me determined that my kids will never have to/ need to/ be expected to care for me. I have ( perhaps morbidly) told them that I hope to go like my own parents, and drop dead with no notice whatsoever.
Failing this plan, for those of you who say you wish your parents had put " things" in place before the need for so much care, what sort of things would I need to be doing?? Accessible downstairs loo, money saved for carer? What other things do you wish your parents had done earlier?

Your honesty about this is so helpful to the many who find themselves in a similar situation. As others have said - definitely outsource what you can. The carer offer in Scotland is great and you’ve done well to get a cleaner agreed ( I never managed that!) - and do insist on a gardener. The other thing about others being involved is that you have extra eyes on what is happening and how they are managing.
It is tricky for you to be foisted with all the responsibilities and none of the privilege of choosing how to meet those - as your parents are wanting the final say.
These situations are often a marathon and so pacing yourself and not burning out is so important.
Online food shopping could also help if your Dad not driving even if you have to order. Best of luck - you are doing a great job and please don’t feel guilty for your understandable feelings💐

So relieved to find this thread OP and I completely relate.
I have recently lost my dad. My mum is not a bad person, but she has clear traits suggestive of autism and dementia.

I love her and take on the duty to support her. Sadly she is not especially likeable. This has been consistent and predates the dementia.

I am trying to emotionally detach and focus on the tasks to be done. I would not be able ( or willing ) to take on any direct care for her. That will be outsourced. I anticipate that she will need residential care in time.
Caring for an elderly relative is nor a one person ( usually some poor female) job. Best done by professionals who can work in teams.
Xxx

I've got one of each, DF was the best dad ever and still is despite frailty but DM was emotionally absent, always busy, fussy and with mental health problems. We are just entering the difficult years and I'm dreading it if
DF dies first (likely) because my goodwill towards him benefits Mum and once he's gone I'm not sure how much patience I will have. I've had nearly 60 years of her trying my patience and having to tiptoe around her to avoid setting off an anxiety attack and Dad being the one I could turn to for everything. They didn't go through this themselves as they moved several hundred miles from both sets of parents when they married and siblings who stayed behind picked up the bulk of it when the time came.

Totally relatable! I’m ‘lucky’ in that my DM lives next door so I can cut everything into manageable, daily chunks. We’ve still got the gardener and cleaner/carer coming once a week. On top of having my own mobility issues I work PT and do some voluntary work. My DM massively resents the voluntary work but doesn’t want to be a burden 🙄. She no longer drives so I make all her appointments myself so they’re at a time that suits me. My DB is too far away to be any practical help but is always good for a rant, as is my DH and best friend. It won’t let me post it here but look up the meme for the 🫶 emoji. I do that a lot and it helps me regroup!

Social worker here, I think times are changing a bit but certainly the older generation generally seem to expect their off spring (usually the female) to look after them. I would be very resentful too & suggest trying to put in boundaries & get your parents to spend their money on additional support- but getting people to part with their money is another challenge!

They allowed a cleaner once per week, refused to make it twice. I sent an email at the start when I still thought they actually gave a damn about me and my life, suggesting they get in daily help to support DF with cooking and life admin. This was rejected

I am being cruel to be kind

This isn't your problem.
They don't get to refuse and make you do it. If they refuse it doesn't get done.
It is bloody hard, but the only way through this is to be a facilitator.

You have to draw your boundaries higher if you are feeling like this.

100% yes - am currently having to care for my parent who whilst not the worst was certainly not the best, and since having children of my own I can understand or rationalise their behaviours even less. There are times I just want to wash my hands of the whole thing but then I know that more would fall to my sibling so I can’t do that to them

I just wanted to express sympathy to you, OP, and others in your situation. I now have no parents alive but my father put me through some of this before he died. We had a very strained relationship for years and my brother was the golden child in every way but conveniently moved abroad before my father got ill. (I would get irritating weepy phonecalls from him about how worried he was.) The ‘not being a burden’ line was infuriating, as I would drive 90 minutes to him (with small baby) to run pointless errands for him - including a 9am non-essential hospital appointment with his favourite doctor who realised what was happening and stood him down from her clinic - and I just felt miserable at how much I resented him for it when he had offered me no support at all through my life (and of course his sisters had cared for his own mother in old age). But I couldn’t have cut him off for Big Reasons. He was a misogynist and self absorbed but not actually abusive.

None of us signed up for this, and many of us are not natural 'carers'. Even those of you with children must find this a totally different scenario. There's so many hard emotional dynamics - we see someone once capable become less so and we imagine our own future. And we (I) revert to Kevin and Perry teenage stroppiness as parent tells me what to do. I have the opposite problem of PP whose mother wants them to clean the top of the kitchen cabinets in that my DM ISA bit of a messy hoarder 😕

I have great sympathy with you all and the anxiety it causes when you as the child or child in law are facing a complete denial about planning for needs or future needs. And/ or just that there is an assumption by the elderly person that it needs to come to a desperate crisis point to permit any kind of objectively sustainable change in how the elderly person lives.

I think this is an area of life that gets so little talked about that it is culturally a massive problem that needs huge attention. Life has changed so much in so many ways in the last 60 years for all of us. This means that it’s harder to have the resources to care for elderly people by family members, and to find care by the state. It’s so toxic that close family are just expected to tough all that out on an individualised basis.

God what a daft post of mine. There is never ‘an answer’ so ignore that.

I do think it’s pretty normal. I do think outsourcing more of the tasks that anyone could do, in order to have a bit more of the emotional energy left, would be the answer, if they would accept that. Would they agree to a daily cleaner-who-is-actually-a-carer? I think in your case I would literally put on a wrist brace and report that you have tenosynovitis and can’t do any physical tasks for six weeks.

@rookiemere i think your feelings are valid. It takes a lot out of you mentally looking after elderly parents. Sending hugs x

I don't think you are alone. I fall into the category of having troubled parents, and troubled elder care issues, but DH is much more in your camp. His parents were loving and kind, but have led independent lives so now they are ageing providing support is increasingly difficult and veers between a mix of wanting/needing help over seemingly odd things like fixing a bit of guttering, to not wanting help to install a downstairs wet room (which they both need in order to remain at home, but are refusing to consider).

One thing I notice between us though, is that being an only child is more pressure. And being female is more pressure. I have no one to turn to, to just vent if nothing else, and there are infinitely more expectations on me as a daughter than there is on DH, who is one of 3 boys. This comes/came from my parents, their siblings, my cousins, the "system" ... everywhere. It is really lonely if I am honest. Especially when neither parent has put any measures in place to make any of this easier on anyone. They were divorced too, and live(d) in different countries which adds another layer of complications.

I am trying not to be resentful, but honestly - right now - it is taking all my will power.

On the otherhand, DH is frustrated because he can see what is happening to me and can't get his loving, kind parents to put measures in place, so he is increasingly irritable with the MIL/FIL.

All you do is to put as much in place as you can, ahead of time. Have the conversations with them about their wishes, be clear on what you will and won't do (my advice is outsource as much as possible even if you get guilt tripped), and make sure you know what to do before crisis hits.

You are not alone in this. I find myself resenting my dead parent. I think they knew what was coming and chose to die (totally curable cancer but didn't treat it) rather than face what lay ahead. I especially think this each time I wipe remaining parent's backside and know that dead parent would also not have coped dealing with catheter and all that that entails.

It colours how I feel about them both and I had a good childhood and relationship with them both. Struggling with my conscience over putting remaining parent into respite as I need a break and have things that need doing.

Sibling lives abroad and is similar in personality to dead parent. It has crossed my mind that they moved away so as not to have to deal with it all - they moved around the time the POA was set up.

I think it would be easier if they had been shit parents, then there would be less guilt. The resentment is a hard thing to admit to, isn't it?

Sorry OP, I went off on a bit of a rant there! But yes, you’re not alone.

Gosh. I needed to read this thread. I thought I was the only one who felt like this. I really resent caring for my DM. Everyone comments on how lovely she is. But frankly, she was a shit parent at times. She’s spent her life refusing to face up to issues, letting her house virtually fall down around her, and her health deteriorate awfully due to alcohol, heavy smoking and literally no exercise at all. She won’t accept any responsibility for anything, she’s the victim, the fact she can hardly walk due to COPD, heart failure, ulcerated legs and obesity isn’t her fault, and nothing to do with her lifestyle.

Now she’s old and unable to do anything for herself, she and everyone else expects me now to sort her life out for her, including the house falling down around her, etc. Suddenly it’s all my responsibility. And I resent it massively. I live an hour away, work full time, have 2 teenage children and my own life, but now I have to pick up the pieces of her wreckage of a life. I resent it massively and feel so guilty for resenting it and her. If she just accepted some responsibility for the situation she’s found herself in I’d have more sympathy. Her refusal to accept that she’s old and her “ I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it” attitude means she now finds herself stuck in one room in a house falling down around her ears, not able to access the one toilet which is upstairs. And yes, of course, it is my responsibility to now sort it out for her.