If your lo has dementia and is in a care facility, how much is it costing per week.

We found that special home for my DM. I viewed 11 altogether, originally she spent a year at the care home next door and was then moved to the nursing home where she’s been for 18 months.
I’m not sure if I can use the word happy as her Alzheimer’s is so advanced but she is well looked after and couldn’t be in a place better suited to her needs.
I lost 4 years of my life looking after her, sourcing carers, then new carers because she hit one of the old carers, dealing with emergency services etc etc etc. Now it’s so nice to visit her and not to be her carer, she doesn’t know who I am anymore but it’s such a comfort to know how well she’s being looked after.

My mum was in a charity run home linked to our religious background. Despite the huge fees I don’t think they were making much profit. This was her wish and her own grandmother was in a home (long since shut, it was several decades ago) run by the same charity though things were quite different then. I didn’t have a say where the home was as she was discharged to the home from hospital (medical advice though the social worker would have happily sent her home I think) so it was where they had space and it was quite a long way from me. It wasn’t the most modern building but there was a low staff turnover which suggests it was well managed and staff were generally happy. That’s something I’d look for (same for a school too). I was well supported as well. I suspect that local authorities will go for maximum home visits relying on families (elderly spouse or middle aged or older children, mostly women) to pick up the slack, which families often do despite the effect on them. It’s a lot cheaper. The carers mum had at home (we paid for that) were nowhere near as good as those in the care home. Mum wasn’t happy there. I think she blamed me for being there. Even on her deathbed she was vile to me as I couldn’t do what she asked of me. She was vile to me when she was still at home and, despite being finally tiny, physically abusive at times. She wasn’t happy at home either. The loss of independence was just awful for her and she couldn’t adjust to it at all. Finally she refused to go to hospital for treatment despite being very poorly. I think she had enough and, as sad as it made me, I don’t blame her. She was very old and just miserable and lonely (I couldn’t visit as often as she’d have liked and the home asked me not to as they thought she’d settle better if I didn’t go that often). I think she was finally ready to go, in her last 6 months she kept asking for her long dead brother. Care homes don’t have a good reputation but, if you get the right one, they offer far more than you’ll ever get living at home. The fees were huge. Mum would have been appalled if she knew, she thought they were a tiny fraction of the cost. I feel that I spent my inheritance up front and it was a great help to me knowing she was safe and cared for. She died there, I wasn’t with her but the staff were really kind when I did visit in those last days so I believe they were at the end.

Can I suggest carehome.co.uk as a useful website to help with your searching? Some homes have loads of info up (including descriptions, photos, reviews, appropriate costs) - so at worst you might be able to rule some places out. You can search by location and care type. There's no charge to you, no request for you to log in or provide any personal details.

As far as not-for-profit homes go, you'll probably be better finding some possible options and then following up for more details. As well as stand-alone homes there are also some not-for-profit groups (I think Anchor is the biggest, but the Order of St John and MHA are two others I'm aware of).

My Dad didn't want Mum to go into a care home.. but we had a crisis and she went in that night.
(I rang over 26 homes before one was found)
Dad (and my brother's and I) were devastated) I can't talk about the moment she realised that she was staying. But she soon settled and Dad, who had multiple life threatening conditions and terminal cancer was just welcomed with open arms by the home..he got a taxi daily and had lunch and bedded down in a comfy chair by the staff for a nap (whilst Mum wandered around hiding all her belongings) He was then picked up and taken home by one of us..
We were still very sad but Dad had a reasonable year health wise until he died.

For MIL it was one on the social services list as she was LA funded. It was a bit of an emergency as FIL had hung on resisting MIL going to a care home until he was dying of cancer. For my mum I started with the CQC website filtered on dementia and good plus assessments and looked at the ownership of my shortlist on their websites. I also checked whether they would accept LA funding with no top up when her money runs out. You are right that just doing the research can be a massive task. We had a shortlist of 8 over quite a wide area. I rejected one purely on their attitude on the phone so we are down to 7.
Mum is only just getting to the stage where she probably needs a care home, not due to personal care needs like washing etc, but because of unsafe behaviours and none of us are local. She pings between being desperate to go into a home and screaming at me that I'm horrible for suggesting visit. So far we've seen 4 of the 8 with an update visit to one and another one next week (this has been a journey of 2 years so far!). 2 we rejected as utterly grim, 2 we liked but thought one might be in too rural and quiet a location for mum (but 2 years on might be a good fit). So far mum.still has the capacity to make her own decision so I have to sell the visits as "so we know in case of an emergency" but given the last few weeks I think we are fast approaching a need for SS to assess capacity again.

Re grimness, I think I know what you mean. But a dementia care home is full of confused unwell people, it's a foreign environment. For the first few months I hated visiting, it was sad my mother was reduced to this and I found it very challenging. But gradually I got to know everyone, and all I felt was the kindness shown by the staff. It takes a while to get used to the whole idea, but I miss going there now (and I never thought I would say that). So as long as it feels 'right', don't expect it to feel perfect from day one.

I looked at a not-for-profit home. Unfortunately it was clear the manager only wanted early stage 'easy' dementia patients. He would not tolerate even basic dementia behaviours like pacing 'because it will upset the other residents'. Whereas at my mother's care home they would tolerate any behaviours - except violence.

Have you made a short list of possible care homes that offer the right care and are close enough to you?

It can take a while for a space to actually become available and sort a move, so I would get onto viewing them and making a decision ASAP. Two things I would recommend in this:

1. ask other people locally who've been through this with their parents for their recommendations. If you don't personally know anyone, ask on a local site like Facebook or Next Door.

2. look at newer buildings if you can. Purpose built facilities will have things like wider corridors making it easier for residents to get around and not have to squeeze past one another, better equipped toilets and so on.

FWIW it's well worth the money to know your loved one is safe, and such a relief to not panic every time the phone rings.

That’s most definitely the way to do it or perhaps a toy boy ……

You wouldn’t need to pay anything at all.

Your parent would have a care needs assessment and financial assessment which looks at what their income is and how much they have in savings (including housing if they own their home). If the savings level is below £14k then social services pays, plus the pension is used, leaving a small amount of “pocket money” for them each week for things like haircuts, new clothing, toiletries. If it’s between £14k and about £23k in savings, there is a sliding scale of how much they pay. If more than £23k then they’d be expected to pay for the care home until their savings drop below that level.

If their spouse is still living in the home they own then that amount isn’t taken into account as there is someone else living there.
https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/paying-for-care/paying-for-a-care-home/

We've looked at a lot of care homes for various parents over the past few years and my very general observations (though obviously there is variation) are: those part of a big chain tend to have a very high staff turnover and lower staffing levels in general. Individual or small chains are either lovely and homely or grim and obviously cutting costs to the bone. Not for profit organisations are more consistently nice without being OTT on fancy facilities but not necessarily cheaper as staffing levels are at the higher end.

My dad had dementia and qualified for full CHC funding, he didn’t actually have any other health problems but the dementia meant challenging and unpredictable behaviour including violence so your statement isn’t entirely true.

Yes my mums was basic too @Soontobe60 but then, she had advanced dementia and stared at a wall 24/7 when she wasn't sleeping so didn't really need anything other than a comfy bed and chair and caring staff.

@TheSummerGrinch that is a good piece of advice from SS. Some care homes have all sorts of bells and whistles - cinemas, hair salons, cafes - which the resident pays for but will never use.

Most of the senior staff at my mother's care home had worked there for 10+ years, some for 20+ years. They understood the residents' needs and were genuinely committed to their care. It was independently owned, not a chain.

Best of luck finding a good placement for your mother. It can feel very daunting, but sometimes it really is the best option.

Have your parents separated their savings and bank accounts? If not, it would be wise to do so. Obviously anything that’s solely in your DMs name is hers, same with DF, but joint savings accounts need to be split and any income from pensions etc need to be paid into each person’s own bank account.
If your DM lacks capacity, which it sounds like, then your DF should open new accounts in his m]name and transfer half of everything jointly held into his own account.

My brother was comparatively young when he became ill - it became obvious to me when he was 70 and I suspect he knew long before that things weren’t right. I’m 68 and intend to enjoy my red wine and cigarettes so I’ll just drop one day and save my children the hassle.

Then the LA will do a financial assessment and partially, or fully fund the place. My stepfather had a funded place - he paid £780 a month which was his pension less personal weekly allowance. The LA paid the rest of his fees. However, we couldn’t choose his home, and it was pretty basic but the staff were lovely.

Unfortunately due to his challenging behaviour, the reason he couldn't be discharged home was that it wasn't safe for the community - nothing to do with his needs. The hospital will try and send home wherever possible....