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Elderly parents
Original poster

Should what they NEED trump what they WANT?

62 replies

BlueLegume · 14/08/2025 07:27

Just that really. I have had several threads on Elderly Parents and they have quite frankly kept me sane over several years of dealing with difficult aging parents.

Recently I have taken a huge step back but have really struggled reflecting on just how difficult my parents have always been, not just in old age. Critical, judgemental, unreasonably high standards that mere mortals like me would never meet.

Got me to thinking about wider issues and one in particular being that over many years when my parents have come to me with moans about life and I have come up with suggestions their stock response is ‘we don’t want that’ or ‘that won’t work for us’. The latter being a 15 year discussion about installing a downstairs loo/shower room - they had/have room for it.

Do some people just not see what they NEED trumps what they WANT?

We downsized earlier than we might have needed to because we wanted to enjoy our 60s in a more suitable space and knew it would be a hassle. It was but we were still capable of sorting everything out. Not sure 10 years later we would have managed and I didn’t want to have my adult kids lives disrupted by us needing their assistance.

Anyway as adults I do think there comes a time where what you need overrides what you want.

As ever interested in MN views as I am open to discussion.

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 14/08/2025 08:11

BlueLegume · 14/08/2025 08:02

@DisplayPurposesOnly yes I am familiar with that thread. Probably time to revisit. Unfortunately she refuses to have a cleaner and apparently ’can’t’ (won’t) do it herself even though she’s capable. She is very performative and always has been.

That is her choice though not to get a cleaner so you should just let her see the natural consequences of that decision ( the house getting messier & dirtier) rather than fixing it for her by doing the cleaning yourself.

I’ve always had a tendency to want to fix everything for my children before problems arise for them. But I was told on a parenting course that it would be better to let them learn from their mistakes. Your mum sounds rather childish in her insistence she doesn’t want a cleaner so maybe try a parenting technique on her!

Behave foolishly and see the consequences.

Theswiveleyeballsinthesky · 14/08/2025 08:09

I work on the basis that everyone has the right to make choices - but that with choices come consequences good and bad

if an older person has capacity they have the right to choose whatever that want but what they don't have is the right to be free from those consequences. So if they choose for example to live in the middle of nowhere in a house that they can't manage and the consequence is that never see anyone and the house is falling to bits well that's the consequence of their choice.

they don't have the right to guilt their adult children into managing the consequences of their freely made choices just because they don't like how things turned out

LindorDoubleChoc · 14/08/2025 08:08

Just leave them to it, op. You are old enough now to make a big effort with your FOG.

My dh is currently considering driving the 100 miles to his parents and staying overnight to help them fill in their housing benefit form (ffs). I'm staying out of it although will slightly resent the cost of the petrol involved in doing that as we are broke atm and selling possessions on Facebook Marketplace. He's doing it because he feels guilty that his brother, who lives much closer, does more for them. And also because he feels competitive with his brother. Just ridiculous in a man in his 60s. But he does love and get on with his parents.

By all your accounts your mother is an awful person. You don't have to do anything for her at all if you really don't want to.

Original poster
BlueLegume · 14/08/2025 08:02

@DisplayPurposesOnly yes I am familiar with that thread. Probably time to revisit. Unfortunately she refuses to have a cleaner and apparently ’can’t’ (won’t) do it herself even though she’s capable. She is very performative and always has been.

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 14/08/2025 07:59

Her view is she won’t have any outside help it has to be her kids doing for her.

That doesn't mean you have to do it! No mum I'm not doing your cleaning, you can do it yourself or get a cleaner.

Have you been in the Relationships section and read the stately homes thread? It's for children of abusive parents. Sadly I think you'd find a lot of resonance there.

Original poster
BlueLegume · 14/08/2025 07:53

@rickyrickygrimes absolutely understand your choice and it sounds great. I think I am at a point with 60 plus years of parents being difficult generally that I am exhausted listening to them, well specially now my mother and seeing how controlling she is and always has been. Nothing anyone does for her is ever right.
As I say I have stepped right back but the inevitable crisis is always looming over me. Her view is she won’t have any outside help it has to be her kids doing for her. Shopping for her - she will only eat specific things which are often not easy to pick up. Perhaps I am just jaded and would quite like a break from living in a never ending riddle.

OP posts:
rickyrickygrimes · 14/08/2025 07:48

I should add that I personally have every intention of moving somewhere rural as soon as I am finally free of children and work! I’m thinking small Scottish island. I will be in my 60s. I have no intention of moving anywhere sensible while I’m still relatively young and in good health.

Original poster
BlueLegume · 14/08/2025 07:47

All good points which I guess I know. Just seems unreasonable that what someone wants then impacts so many other people having to rally round so they get their wishes. As I say I have taken a huge step back as it made me ill and was impacting on my own family as I was so emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted trying to keep things going.

Good to hear the usual sound advice.

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 14/08/2025 07:42

I think the issue here is that your parents are horrible people and you're turning yourself inside out to look after them. Please look after yourself first and foremost. Drop the rope, let them do their thing.

If they have capacity they can make their bad decisions and live with the consequences. You don't have to make it better for them.

rickyrickygrimes · 14/08/2025 07:39

They might see it - but still not be willing to make what they see as the sacrifice 🤷‍♀️ My parents live very rurally, in a home that they built themselves over 40 years ago. At some point they will likely ‘need’ to move as they are completely car dependent and the garden is huge. But they are extremely unlikely to. My dad ‘needs’ to live there, is how he would see it I think.

And if they are of (relatively) sound mind, who am I to decide what they ‘need’? Or that my view trumps theirs? I can only decide what I will do in response to any requests for help to facilitate whatever choices they make.

Shellyash · 14/08/2025 07:38

All too soon they'll be gone, hard as it is the best way is to put up with them and learn from them how you want to and don't want to be for your family. They'll not change now so accept them for who they are.

PersephoneParlormaid · 14/08/2025 07:35

Unfortunately as long as they have capacity, their wants trump everything.
I’ve found with the elderly that they like to have something to complain about, they don’t want you to actually solve the problem. You have to put up with the moans.

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