Difficult DF moaning about food in nursing home

Do they understand he needs a soft diet and what this actually means in a practical sense?

I'm sure they will. It's an extremely common requirement in nursing homes.

You are right the food might be rotten, I shouldn't have been dismissive, it sounds difficult for.the op to manage though.

Just visit once a week and take him a home cooked dish then. No washing!!!!

The food may be awful. It’s institutional meals. How many of us would really be happy eating that way all the time?

you aren’t personally responsible for making his meals though. You have a life and other responsibilities. You are also allowed to enjoy some free time.

what I would do is find some snacks he can keep around. Honestly, I know some people worry about nutrition, but I think if someone has gotten to the point of requiring being in a care home they should get to eat whatever they want.

If you have the bandwidth to cook for him occasionally, then I would set a schedule for visits that will include a meal. It will give him something to look forward to, even if it is only once a month.

Do they understand he needs a soft diet and what this actually means in a practical sense? I have severe mouth issues due to lupus and I can’t eat a lot of things other people seem to think I can - I’m not in a care home thankfully though (although very disabled) so I can make my own food. I think I’d really struggle with someone else making meals etc for me. I would speak to the care home and make sure they really understand it all - but - absolutely don’t step in and do it all.

I understand the feeling of burn out. My Mum died of bowel cancer, we didn’t have the best relationship really and she went into a nursing home and it was very difficult as really she still wanted me to do everything for her and I just couldn’t (disabled myself, disabled son etc etc). In the lead up to her going in I was up and down to her house 20 mins away 4 times a day, cooking meals, going to her in the night if she got out of bed and couldn’t get back in. There’s no right and wrong to it all but you can only do whatever you feel you can do.

And I had to do all my Mums washing in the care home - all relatives did. It’s more common than people realise.

Have you talked to the staff at the home. My mum’s home had a chef who although he wouldn’t make different meals on a whim he would cater to their medical needs. For instance my mum had dementia and started choking and had difficulty with chewing and swallowing. At first they tried to liquidise her food but she refused to eat” mush or baby food “ . We had a chat with him and he came up with stuff that looked like proper food but that she could manage. He made cheesecake but mums had no biscuit base so basically it just melted in her mouth. Stews became more like soups but called stew, mince and mash potatoes. We really appreciated his effort and she was able to eat again and enjoy it.

Do all the patients' relatives do their washing?

Why aren't the nursing home dealing with his laundry? They usually do IME?

I would take him a meal occasionally, say weekly, make it a special treat. And make it a portion of something that's for the whole family as well.

Sorry for your situation.

The nurses, doctors and hospice all agreed he would cope at home and neither would.

Do you mean that they agreed that he wouldn't cope at home?

I would juj up a supermarket soup once a week and take that on the laundry day.

tell him his food is paid for so you won’t be spending extra. You love him a lot but this is it and to answer Is no.

my uncle was asking for fresh cooked meals every day after his stroke and I had to stop doing it. As before the stroke he ate soup he’d frozen 3 days a bloody week! But now he doesn’t like left overs 🙄. No.

we love you. But no.

I would check with the care home first what he eats, how much and what he says to them about the food.

It's unlikely with his diagnosis that he is hungry. He may also be finding his taste buds have changed so everything tastes bland or horrid. It's also common to really want something only to smell it or taste one bite and discard it.

And most soft diet is unappealing without all those extra problems.

Given your other posts about him, I'd suspect that his demands you cook him meals are not about the food quality, but about his distress at being terminally ill, having to depend on others for care and not able to eat normal food.

A realistic position is you can buy any snack he wants but no cooking meals.

Goodness, I knew this thread would be by you @Totallybannanas before I opened it.

You shouldn't be doing his laundry. That's ridiculous, when the home will do it. They're paid to do so.

Your dad knows how to make you feel guilty. You almost had a nervous breakdown before he went into the home. Please stop doing everything he says. He sounds very selfish.

I'd also stop replying to all his texts.

Did his pain meds get sorted out?

He will be royally pissed off - he has a terminal illness; he is living somewhere he does not want to be - his unhappiness will focus on something, in this case food. No adult really wants to have to eat mushy food, even when they know it is necessary.

Have you seen what they are feeding him? Do you think it meets his needs? Presumably they understand his need for soft food. If you have concerns about what he is getting, then maybe address this with the home.

He is out of control of his life poor chap. Food is where he is trying to exercise some control. But do not let him control you. Set the limits to what you can do for him in order to both stay sane and leave yourself guilt-free when he goes.

It is such a hard balance.

Oesophagal cancer, indeed many cancers, plays merry hell with your taste and appetite. My DF also liked things I made and hugely moaned about what the carers made - "they can't even do porridge properly" etc etc. It was because I would do eg. scrambled egg exactly like my mum, his wife, would have made for him and he could bear it even though everything tasted awful.

So it's partly his habit and partly the cancer. What stage is he at and is he having treatment, either palliative or with an aim to curing? I wouldn't worry too much about his appetite now as - sorry to be brutal - it will change massively either during chemo, or radiotherapy, or after it - or if the tumour keeps growing, he will have tumour secretions and difficulty swallowing and all sorts.

I think you must do what you can when you can but don't drive yourself into the ground. If you give us a sense of how long he might have left, which is reasonably predictable for this cancer, we can perhaps advise on the likely trajectory.

Would the care home even allow you to bring in meals? I doubt it. There'll be a ton of rules around liability and food safety that you can't meet.

I would focus on the treats and bringing him some of his favourite foods from time to time secure in the knowledge that he'll still have access to 3 square suitable meals a day.

If you carry on like this, you are going to burn out. For your own health and wellbeing, you need to step back because you will not be in any position to see and help him or to look after your own family otherwise. You need to stop doing his washing immediately. Care home fees are exorbitant enough and laundry is one of the things that they expect to do. Many elderly people become extremely selfish without meaning to because their world has become very small - rather like tiny children and they can become very demanding. It's extra hard in your situation because your father is very ill and the time left with him is not very long so you feel guilty if you don't give in to his every whim. At your next visit, when he starts grumbling about the food l would simply say something along the lines of: "Yes, it's a shame" and move on to a different subject. With regards to the laundry; l would prepare him in advance. I would say something along the lines of: "I'm going to have to go back to work on x date so I'm afraid I won't be able to do your washing after this time, Dad. The people at the home do it perfectly well for everyone else and they can do yours as well." Then stay strong. He won't like it and will grumble to you but, if you stay strong with noncommittal phrases, he will accept it. He probably vents his frustrations to you and is perfectly ok most of the time. The situation is far from ideal but, sadly, there is no other option.

Soft diets can be hard to cater for in storable snacks/pub lunch treats. Sweet is usually easier than savoury.
What are his preferences OP? MIL used to like mousses and fruit fools more than yogurts so we used to supply a couple of packs of those occasionally but they need to be kept in a fridge. And maltesers because she could suck them until they disintegrated and then she could swallow them.

When my dad was in a similar position we took him a load of dessert pots and custard pots which he loved , meant he was getting some food into him

You are paying for the home to do his laundry, cleaning, meds and cooking. Stop doing those things.

You could have a word with the manager about his preferences and see if they can come up with dishes more to his liking. And you could take a box of snacks (jelly pots or those Alpro puddings are easy to eat and require no special storage). But stop cooking.

He's unhappy. It's not surprising, it's an unhappy situation. But you can't fix the underlying problem and it does nobody any good for you to run yourself into the ground.

is he able to have a mini fridge in his room as i know some homes allow this. You could then do a home delivery of some items that he likes to eat, soft cheeses and bread etc.

DM is in a fairly decent home regarding her care needs, but the cooked meals are grim. Once a week I take them a load of nice ready meals which they are happy to warm up for her. Better than a couple of spoons of luke warm beans on toast or bland meat and 2 veg with no seasoning made with the cheapest of ingredients.

She lost a stone in weight when she first went it. Now everyone is happy, DM gets a meal she enjoys and the home don't have to deal with a malnourished resident.

How can you be sure, unless you have eaten them? Food may be one of his main pleasures. The OP does not have to cook for him everyday!

OP - you have done far more than you should already. However now helping him doesn’t mean you have to do it, you/he is paying a home, they need to improve. Why are you doing his laundry?! Stop that’s a basic thing the home is being paid to do. Give yourself that time back.

tell him you can’t cook for him daily, but will talk to the home, they need to provide him with food he can eat. Can you go through the menus and work out what he can manage?

You need to work. Losing your job won’t help anyone. You are paying a care home so all you should have to do is visit for company for him, not spent time cooking and cleaning for him.