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Elderly parents
Original poster

Any tips for how to get parents to take the first baby steps into getting support?

36 replies

girlfromthesouthcountry · 07/08/2025 07:21

I think we have arrived at this point, but I'm getting nowhere. My DP are late 70s/early 80s and live fully independently. DM has been declining for about five years, and is now in quite a bad way. Without going into massive detail, her cognition and memory are very poor (she's diagnosed with MCI, but I'm quite sure she has dementia, and if anything progressing from early to mid stage). She's depressed and anxious, and has cut off almost all social contact except immediate family. She has a whole host of health issues that mean she feels unwell all the time, and this is the whole focus of her life.

DF is still in theory fully capable (does all the financial admin, IT literate, physically very active etc) , but there are signs that this is starting to slip. He's increasingly uncertain about mum's medical appointments and medication, and just generally seems a bit less 'on it' than before. I think there might be an element of carer fatigue, along with him just getting older.

DSis and I (neither of whom are in a position to provide regular, hands-on help due to distance and work) are increasingly concerned. DM is getting worse and worse, and is definitely a fall risk. They lurch from one medical appointment to another, none of which ever seem to resolve anything. The house is grubby. I'm not convinced that DM is taking her meds properly. Although DF can still go out and about for a few hours atm, I can see a point arriving quite soon where that's no longer possible.

I've tried to suggest that they start getting in some support, but I'm getting nowhere. They both just focus on the next appointment, hoping that this is the moment that someone will press the magic button and make mum better (at least physically), but it's increasingly clear that that's not going to happen. I've suggested Attendance Allowance, house safety adaptations, a cleaner, a fall alarm, getting mum out to a social club etc. All met with a stone wall. They're not in any way hostile or difficult - they're lovely, and very grateful to us for caring about them - but they're in denial about the reality of the situation, and I think they see any kind of help as an acknowledgement that this is now old age, and it's grim. DF loves a bit of black humour, and he's quite happy to joke about death - but he's much less good at talking about frailty and care. I suspect they would see any attempt to get a care needs assessment, for example, as an interfering lot of nonsense.

I know the advice on here is often just to let the crisis happen, but I'm trying to see if there's any way of avoiding that, and improving this situation. We have PoA, so we're set up to deal with a crisis - but I want to avoid the crisis happening in the first place if I can.

Does anyone have any tips on how to get parents to take that initial first step of accepting they need external help?

OP posts:
Mini712 · 07/08/2025 21:54

Oh my goodness, your post resonates with me so much. My parents are in a very similar situation. They had been managing ok up until the last six months but since Christmas, DM’s health has deteriorated. She is have tests for bowel cancer & is waiting for a cardiologist appointment for an enlarged heart. She is now so breathless & lethargic that she is unable to do anything & DF has been left to do all the cooking & chores. He also has lots of heath issues so the bare minimum is being done. I live 3-4 hours away so not close by to help so have suggested they get a gardener & cleaner but this is always rejected as they both believe DM will get better and I haven’t the heart to say that this might not happen… I’ll keep chipping away whenever I get the opportunity. It’s very frustrating & I have sworn to my kids that I will never be like this!

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 07/08/2025 19:08

With DGM we started with a cleaner to do hoovering, changing the bed, and hanging out the washing.

That morphed to the cleaner coming and DGM having a bath while she was there, after DGM got stuck in the bath one day while home alone. It didn't happen again, but it was reassurance for her that she wasn't going to be lying in a cold bath for hours waiting for someone to arrive to help.

Then having frozen meals delivered from somewhere like Wiltshire farm foods, which morphed to a hot meal being delivered at lunch time.

Then progressed to carers coming to do breakfast and dinner.

Progressed to carers helping get out of bed and to go to bed.

CMOTDibbler · 07/08/2025 17:43

A cleaner (not an agency one, someone who works for themselves so there is someone consistent and who you can speak to) is the ideal first step as it gets them used to someone coming in and doing 'the difficult things' like bed changing and washing/ pegging out the bed clothes then it's easy to slip more things in like a fridge deep clean as a gateway to a weekly chuck out of rotten food.
My parents were the same, started with a cleaner who mum could 'help' and it let dad pop out knowing there was someone around, then a carer was introduced who the cleaner knew, then a lady who took mum out for a couple of hours twice a week, gardener, handyman and so on. In times of crisis when they needed more hands on help I did use agency carers who were great practically, but not like their daily lady who dad eventually referred to as his second wife as she gently bullied him into taking care of himself and would call me to tell me that he needed pants or that mum needed more pyjamas as she'd been binning them. And with that help they stayed at home together till dad died as he wanted - but getting them started was the hardest thing.

Original poster
girlfromthesouthcountry · 07/08/2025 17:31

I'm a couple of hours away, and DSis is several hours, and we both work full time. Those are good suggestions, but at the moment the shopping and so on isn't a problem (they live close to good shops, and DF is mobile and driving, and could do online ordering himself if needed). It's more the domestic stuff in the house at this point, and help for mum. Annoyingly, they had an OT assessment (I think) as part of one of mum's many appointments, which I think suggested things like grab rails, but they deemed it a waste of time because it was nothing to do with mum 'getting better'. I try to find ways of gently saying that she's not going to get better, and then I just feel cruel. So frustrating. Perhaps you're right, though, and dad's fall could be a bargaining chip. I'm not sure mum would even know how to phone one of us any more, if he'd actually died/been incapacitated.

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 07/08/2025 17:19

This is horrid to say but actually the fall may work in your favour as a bargaining tool, I’d start by pushing for a cleaner and a fall alarm. Next is it worth asking the OT team to do a review of the house to see what aids they can put in to help them, this was free and actually really helpful, they did grab rails, chair cushions and little blocks to raise them, mum got a toilet frame thingy.

hope df is ok.

Holesintheground · 07/08/2025 17:09

How far away are you? Could you get started by putting online shopping delivery in place for them? POA is helpful but on a very practical day to day level, it helps to get yourself added onto their main bank account and have a debit card for it, as then you can just make payments more things as needed. Getting their prescriptions delivered to home should be a free service their local pharmacy will offer. You can then point out how useful and time saving these things are. Do they live in a very rural area or one with plenty of nearby shops and facilities?

Original poster
girlfromthesouthcountry · 07/08/2025 16:54

Thanks all. No offence or patronisation meant by 'baby steps' - I just meant it in the sense of taking the first steps in a particular direction.

Well, since I wrote the post this morning, I've heard that DF had a fall (not mum!) and has hurt his back. Doesn't seem too serious on the surface (no major damage, just pain) - but could have been far worse, and, worryingly, he doesn't really understand how he fell - thinks he might have fainted. A reminder if I needed one of how potentially close the crisis is at any point.

Thanks all for the advice, and sympathies for the similar situations. To clarify, we do already have PoA for health and finance, so that's sorted. For the rest, I guess I do just need to keep plugging away. I'm going to push hard for a cleaner, in the first instance.

OP posts:
Londonnight · 07/08/2025 07:53

Your parents sound just like my parents [ though mine are older ], including lurching from medical appointment to medical appointment thinking that each time something is going to magically happen and their frailty will disappear!
Also their house is really grubby. When I bring this up they just say it's fine and they can't see the problem. I think they just don't see it. There is no way they will allow me to clean either.

We have had many conversations about getting help going forward, especially when one has ended up in hospital. They will be in agreement at the time, but once they are back home it's as if the conversation never took place and they will say they are managing fine and don't need help!!
No POA in place as they both refuse to have them.

I now realise that we are going to have to wait for the final crisis to happen before they will accept help, because absolutely nothing else works, and it's really hard watching them decline. I just wait for the next phone call.

rookiemere · 07/08/2025 07:52

It’s hugely frustrating and I am watching the same thing with my DPs albeit they are older. They reluctantly accepted a cleaner only when DM had a fall and is effectively bed bound, but refuse to let her do enough hours to cover everything so I have to go up every fortnight to change their sheets. I don’t mind that but this time there were some poo marks on the duvet Envy. DM gets carers 4 x per day because we are in Scotland though so physically she is looked after.
DF is also losing his memory. I am basically waiting until he starts setting fire to things when cooking or creates some other house drama as they will not accept any more paid for care ( they have loads of money) but happy for me and DH to schlep up there all the time. It’s an hour each way and I am particularly salty as job hunting and feel I can’t apply for full time positions because of them, but the part time ones are badly paid.
Please try and persuade them to get power of attorney in place.I have at least got their bank card to pay for petrol, groceries and the cleaner so we aren’t out of pocket.

PollyHutchen · 07/08/2025 07:42

I don't think 'baby steps' is an appropriate phrase in relation to parents. And I am afraid you do have to wait for a crisis/or for them to be ready to accept help. Watching them get frailer and less able to manage is hard. I think the best thing is to keep comparing notes with your sister. Boring stuff like Power of Attorney is also v important.

Billybagpuss · 07/08/2025 07:32

Ive done it with baby steps, started by getting a gardener and a cleaner, the Assistance allowance covered the cost of that so that was the selling point for AA. Df died last year, mum now has carers every morning but is resistant to getting them evenings too as she doesn’t want to spend the money. But keep dripping it, every time an incident happens gently slip in, ooh my neighbour has someone come in to help with that shall we look into it for you. With mum the call alarm was dismissed as a waste of money, until she spend a night on the floor sat in a pool of blood, it was similar with my uncle. It’s just reacting to various circumstances and they’ll hopefully accept little by little.