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Elderly parents
Original poster

Any tips for how to get parents to take the first baby steps into getting support?

36 replies

girlfromthesouthcountry · 07/08/2025 07:21

I think we have arrived at this point, but I'm getting nowhere. My DP are late 70s/early 80s and live fully independently. DM has been declining for about five years, and is now in quite a bad way. Without going into massive detail, her cognition and memory are very poor (she's diagnosed with MCI, but I'm quite sure she has dementia, and if anything progressing from early to mid stage). She's depressed and anxious, and has cut off almost all social contact except immediate family. She has a whole host of health issues that mean she feels unwell all the time, and this is the whole focus of her life.

DF is still in theory fully capable (does all the financial admin, IT literate, physically very active etc) , but there are signs that this is starting to slip. He's increasingly uncertain about mum's medical appointments and medication, and just generally seems a bit less 'on it' than before. I think there might be an element of carer fatigue, along with him just getting older.

DSis and I (neither of whom are in a position to provide regular, hands-on help due to distance and work) are increasingly concerned. DM is getting worse and worse, and is definitely a fall risk. They lurch from one medical appointment to another, none of which ever seem to resolve anything. The house is grubby. I'm not convinced that DM is taking her meds properly. Although DF can still go out and about for a few hours atm, I can see a point arriving quite soon where that's no longer possible.

I've tried to suggest that they start getting in some support, but I'm getting nowhere. They both just focus on the next appointment, hoping that this is the moment that someone will press the magic button and make mum better (at least physically), but it's increasingly clear that that's not going to happen. I've suggested Attendance Allowance, house safety adaptations, a cleaner, a fall alarm, getting mum out to a social club etc. All met with a stone wall. They're not in any way hostile or difficult - they're lovely, and very grateful to us for caring about them - but they're in denial about the reality of the situation, and I think they see any kind of help as an acknowledgement that this is now old age, and it's grim. DF loves a bit of black humour, and he's quite happy to joke about death - but he's much less good at talking about frailty and care. I suspect they would see any attempt to get a care needs assessment, for example, as an interfering lot of nonsense.

I know the advice on here is often just to let the crisis happen, but I'm trying to see if there's any way of avoiding that, and improving this situation. We have PoA, so we're set up to deal with a crisis - but I want to avoid the crisis happening in the first place if I can.

Does anyone have any tips on how to get parents to take that initial first step of accepting they need external help?

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PermanentTemporary · 15/09/2025 21:49

Don’t hesitate to wheel out a bit of emotional blackmail. ‘Oh goodness. I’m constantly worried about you. I just need to know what the doctors are really saying. I didn’t sleep last night worrying about all this.’ Dysfunctional but effective at times.

Original poster
girlfromthesouthcountry · 15/09/2025 21:43

Thanks for some very wise advice. I think I'll try to go to one GP appointment as a one-off to make personal contact, and then see if I can look into an online option for future appointments. And I'll call to ask if they've got a process for being added onto their records. Thanks! Of course, this all depends on my DP agreeing to it, which is by no means certain.

OP posts:
marchmash · 15/09/2025 15:38

Watching with interest and sympathising. my Mum is over 80, lives alone, I live in Europe, visit every 2 months (not easy to do more as I have kids and full time job). I tend to spend my whole time when I'm there cleaning and sorting. Trying to find a local cleaner. It's worrying with the cognitive decline I've noticed. I'm not sure at what point it gets bad enough that she needs keeping an eye on. Right now I think she's ok, and does have a lot of social activities, gets out for a walk every day etc.

PermanentTemporary · 15/09/2025 06:47

Maybe consider asking the GP if you can join appointments virtually? Even just on speakerphone, even better via Attend Anywhere or whichever video call platform the doctors are using.

My own view is that the time spent going to the appointments really is worth doing by you - pretty much everything else should be outsourced. Unfortunately this is probably the opposite of what most of our seniors want. But in the real world, having information lets you make better decisions about the other support. Including decisions about not having further appointments about certain things.

rookiemere · 14/09/2025 15:40

Can you phone up their GPs and ask what the process is to get added on so you can speak to your DPs GP?

For me it was getting them to sign a form each and then emailing to the doctors. I have managed to do this for both now - I may have done some slight subterfuge to get DF (forgetful and ornery as heck) to sign his.

If you have that then you can ask the doctor what was discussed at the appointments.

I don’t know what the right answer is though. I did go to DMs neurology appointment and was glad I did because I could explain a lot of her symptoms with more clarity than she could , and she clearly appreciated me being there. But you’re right it’s a very slippery slope and she now expects me to attend both DF and her appointments, regardless of when they are. My circumstances are different though as they are an hour away and I am currently job hunting and looking for part time work, so I have a bit of time to do it.

Original poster
girlfromthesouthcountry · 14/09/2025 14:37

Thanks both. We know that mum has postural hypotension (evidenced by BP readings), but nobody seems to have pursued this when they've mentioned it. Don't know about dad. The Parkinsons possibility definitely warrants a conversation with the doctor.

My efforts to encourage help at home are continuing to fall on totally deaf ears. Their levels of confusion are definitely getting worse. Mum doesn't really understand what any of her appointments are for now, and has refused the GP's recommendation of a colonoscopy as she doesn't want to go through the process. Dad and I have fairly sensible conversations about the things re mum that he ought to talk to the GP about, and then he comes out of the appointment either not having asked or not remembered the answer (in spite of me encouraging him to take a notebook). They've just had another apparently pointless GP appointment when he came out just saying the doctor had been 'a bit vague'. Mum's got a specialist appt this week and has zero understanding about it, and is petrified (even though it will be totally non-invasive).

The only thing I can think of to do next is to ask to go to the next GP appointment with them, and see if I can start a relationship with the GP and maybe even get added as an authority onto mum's record. That means a day off work though, and I do worry about the slippery slope. I'm considering applying for a much more full-on job at the moment, which I really want to do, and the only thing giving me pause is the fact that I'd become even less available for mum and dad. Just as the kids finally need me a bit less... It's hard.

OP posts:
Hamserfan · 14/09/2025 07:50

@girlfromthesouthcountry just to say that a couple of things associated with fainting in the elderly are “postural hypotension” generally related to tablets for high blood pressure and happens when standing up. The other that gets more common with age is narrowing at one of the valves in the heart “aortic stenosis” it might be with asking that the GP listens to his heart at the next appointment.

cupfinalchaos · 13/09/2025 21:08

Girlfrimthesouthcountry

My mil has the type of Parkinsons that does not cause tremors. It’s about the only symptom she doesn’t have.

Secretsquirels · 09/08/2025 09:16

I had good success getting my parents to accept a gardener by asking them to employ a friend’s son casually to do some heavy work when he was between jobs to help him out. This opened the door to a bit more help and I’m hoping to a regular gardener from next year.

EmotionalBlackmail · 09/08/2025 09:05

Do they have any friends or relatives of similar age who’ve got in carers and it’s all going well who you could use as an example? Eg now Fred has this wonderful cleaner/companion he’s been able to get back to that club he enjoyed?

I spent a year trying to get mine to have a keysafe. refused to consider it. It was only when a friend had a stroke and narrowly avoided having to have their door broken down by paramedics that they suddenly got one installed (so they could have a sense of superiority over the friend, who became, “wasn’t Sally silly not to have a keysafe installed”?!) Hmm

PollyHutchen · 09/08/2025 08:42

I have two siblings and the three of us did gang up on my mother so that a carer came in.

It was 'sold' to her very much as just someone who would offer a bit of companionship/maybe keep an eye on things, as she resolutely maintained she - or my brother and his wife - could do everything.

I think this is not an uncommon thing and some care agencies will go along with the 'just companionship' idea. The point is that the relationship with the carers has to develop so that parents will allow themselves to be assisted by people they trust. At first the carer might just be making a cup of coffee and/or saying 'Why don't I do these dishes while I wait for the kettle to boil.' So it helps to find a care provider that won't just deliver a succession of strangers.

Original poster
girlfromthesouthcountry · 08/08/2025 16:35

Thanks all. Some really helpful advice here. Sounds like I just need to keep nagging and pushing. I'd like to go to appointments, but it's hard - I don't think they necessarily oppose that, but going to any appointment would mean taking a precious days holiday and a four hour round trip, and I'm hesitant to start down that road. Perhaps if I went to one though, it could perhaps open a direct dialogue with the GP.

@cupfinalchaos that's very interesting about the Parkinsons. DM has just developed an occasional tremor in one hand - this is a completely new symptom for her, only over the last few weeks. Did your MIL have tremors, and did they happen from the start, or later?

OP posts:
HotTiredDog · 08/08/2025 16:34

Just going through this with my DPs.
in summary -
get yourself added on to GP records as a proxy for them both (letter from them to GP was all it took) an absolute game changer for us!
Appt for DM to follow up on MCI & get diagnosis - esp important to have mri and if possible meds to arrest decline
script for both of them for Sertraline to help manage anxiety & depression
appt by phone from you to GP for referral to Frailty clinic
request involvement of social prescriber &/or adult social services to access lots of services inc home assessment
through the above have house adjustments made

best wishes x

HotTiredDog · 08/08/2025 16:34

Just going through this with my DPs.
in summary -
get yourself added on to GP records as a proxy for them both (letter from them to GP was all it took) an absolute game changer for us!
Appt for DM to follow up on MCI & get diagnosis - esp important to have mri and if possible meds to arrest decline
script for both of them for Sertraline to help manage anxiety & depression
appt by phone from you to GP for referral to Frailty clinic
request involvement of social prescriber &/or adult social services to access lots of services inc home assessment
through the above have house adjustments made

best wishes x

cupfinalchaos · 08/08/2025 15:28

My mil had all the symptoms your dm does including depression cutting off social contact and anxiety, and was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. Is it worth getting her checked by a geriatric consultant as with a diagnosis, it might be easier to talk them round into getting care.

SleepyRooster · 08/08/2025 14:37

Argh this is familiar! A therapist told me it’s to do with them wanting to remain in the moment and alive and people with agency. Giving in to requests they get personal care is a step into a future of nonexistence and obsolescence.

Which is an interesting thought, but doesn’t change the fact they need to bloody well accept help!

countrygirl99 · 08/08/2025 14:25

A pivotell is good if you suspect they aren't taking meds as the missed doses get locked in as evidence. I've taken photos of the inside when I've opened it to fill before now so I have clear evidence.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2025 11:36

I would remind them about their own parents and ask what would have helped them

abracadabra1980 · 08/08/2025 08:54

Tough love in our case. Dsis and I sat them down and told them they needed help and it was causing us unnecessary stress worrying about them. Like others have said, a gardner, cleaner and definitely a falls alarm were all introduced slowly. The amount of times my DF fell was many (Parkinson’s) the falls team were brilliant - come out 24/7 with medical knowledge and we weren’t to move him as they have specialist equipment to get the person up. You just make them comfortable with a pillow or blanket. My DM went from freaking out at the first fall to being quite nonchalant about others - she almost enjoyed the conversation from the team in the end-first name terms and all that! She’s 84 and wears a falls pendant-her good friend didn’t and was found lying on the floor for two days after suffering a stroke. No pendant. Good luck OP, it’s not easy.

AnnaMagnani · 08/08/2025 08:38

@CMOTDibbler cleaner has worked the same way for my DM!

Cleaner's husband does any odd jobs around the house. If he doesn't have the skills he knows someone reliable who does.

Then cleaner had a mate who is a carer...

AnnaMagnani · 08/08/2025 08:35

I agree with cleaner and shopping delivery as a first step.

For both my parents I also had to have a proper standup row to get things moving.

The drift from one appointment to another is also very familiar as is the not taking meds consistently.

In your situation I would suggest a roundup of medication and seeing if there is even vaguely the correct quantity.

I'd also try to muscle my way into attending your DM'S appointments so you can explain to the doctors the real situation at home, hear what they are actually saying not your DF's interpretation and ask your own questions such as 'realistically what do you think is going on and the chances of improvement?'

Finally your DF also needs a memory assessment.

Good luck 💜

rookiemere · 08/08/2025 07:52

Ticktockwatchclock · 07/08/2025 22:58

As a Social Worker I used to encounter this reluctance/denial of the need for assistance on a regular basis by older people. I could see the need and how their lives would improve but often the client couldn’t and would just dig their heels in.

I used to explain to my clients that having help was not about relinquishing control but instead allowing them more control, and having the assistance enabled them to remain independent for longer as it meant that they struggled less so they were able use the energy they have to do the things that they found easier and that they enjoyed.

Not sure if this perspective would influence your parents to be more accepting of assistance?

Edited to correct spelling

Edited

This is so true and I wish my DPs could accept it.

They rejected my suggestion of additional paid help a few months ago as I cannot do any more without impacting my own health and well being, but when relatives visited yesterday DF (91 frail with diabetes)was trying to climb up a mini ladder and bemoaning how much he has to do now DM is bedridden. Obviously a bit of a show on how neglected he is when I was there on Wednesday after cutting short a family holiday so I could accompany DM to a hospital appointment.

Maybe I need to take the angle you suggested. I had been saying that I am worried but can’t do anymore myself, but I now see that the part of their brains where they care about the impact to me doesn’t exist anymore. It feels like self preservation has kicked in and blocked out all other thoughts, so I can try to work with that a bit more.

Ticktockwatchclock · 07/08/2025 22:58

As a Social Worker I used to encounter this reluctance/denial of the need for assistance on a regular basis by older people. I could see the need and how their lives would improve but often the client couldn’t and would just dig their heels in.

I used to explain to my clients that having help was not about relinquishing control but instead allowing them more control, and having the assistance enabled them to remain independent for longer as it meant that they struggled less so they were able use the energy they have to do the things that they found easier and that they enjoyed.

Not sure if this perspective would influence your parents to be more accepting of assistance?

Edited to correct spelling

Swoopingswift · 07/08/2025 22:45

It’s not easy at all. You just have to keep
plugging away and each time there’s an issue, use it as an excuse to bring in a change / support / adaptation.

DM is extremely resistant to getting help in as she thinks everything is fine. But after a few falls where she ended up lying on the floor she agreed to an alarm.

The local falls team were great and persuaded her to get some other adaptations. Somehow coming from a nurse she was more agreeable to it.

The cleaner has been a challenge…the house gets grubby but she doesn’t seem to notice. She has finally agreed to a cleaner but it’s taken years to get to this point.

Doorbell camera we just installed for ‘security’ (she forgets it has a camera on it anyway).

It’s a challenge.

Original poster
girlfromthesouthcountry · 07/08/2025 22:07

@Mini712 I'm so sorry to hear that. Incidentally, two of DM's biggest physical issues are gastric problems (nausea, diarrhoea and bloating), and breathlessness. Lots and lots of tests have so far yielded nothing.

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