I just can't do this anymore 😔

The brother is under no obligation to help at all. The OP is choosing to do what she does. If she decides to martyr herself then so be it.

@Totallybannanas none of the inheritance derail was at you, it was challenging a stupid comment.

You’re at the sharp end of a hard situation. There are no easy answers now, but you must protect yourself, if you fall apart you can’t help anyone. DF needs hospital/nursing home with 24/7 professional care, not your home with you breaking yourself to keep up. If you can’t sustain the barrage of calls then harsh as it sounds maybe set ‘working hours’ for taking his calls, and set your phone to silence his calls outside of that time period. If it’s actually bad the home will call you.

Inheritance shouldn’t be conditional. Disgusting concept. As bad as his behaviour, dying or not.

I was "fortunate" in that my Dad's terminal illness took him in 7 months but I'm still recovering from the physical and mental exhaustion 2 years on OP. It's the very specific bone tiredness that's so hard to get past. Your Dad needs to be in a home, with 24 hour care on hand. That way, you still get to be his daughter. My Dad was desperate to die at home but my sister was so obstructive to the care company and palliative care team that the Consultant pulled Dad into a hospice for respite and then onto a nursing home. Dad wasn't happy, but it meant staff were on hand 24/7 for medication. Terminal illness is a postcode lottery for community care at the best of times. Stand firm. Your Dad has lived his life, you give what you can but you need to keep one foot firmly in your own life too

I would say mind you don’t fall from that moral high ground, but then you did by insinuating only those who attend should inherit. If you can be bought, controlled with a dangled carrot, then you don’t have the moral high ground. We’re up to our eyes in this x2 and won’t get a penny. Find some rectitude and come back with your judgements.

I'm in the middle of this now.
The word you need is
BOUNDARIES
My dmum is in respite in a care home. Wants to go home. I have a meeting with care agency on Monday to talk through with her.
I have decided

1. I am switching the phone off at night. Between 10 and 7. Its harsh but she has a care line who will call an ambulance. I cannot sleep waiting for the phone to ring. And not sleeping makes my life unbearable
2. She is having carers 3 times a day minimum
3. she is not having more than a glass of wine a day ( you can buy 1 glass mini bottles). She is worse when she drinks too much
4. I am not going to see her every weekend
5. when I book a holiday, she is going into respite care, like it or not.
6. I have put a post redirection on her address to mine, so no more trips to work out what post she is talking about.
7. the minute this breaks down, she can move to a care home.

@PrincessJasmine1 We've been doing it for 2 years now and it takes it's toll massively, I'm guilt ridden, heartbroken, my backs knackered from helping parent stand up , I put them in the shower, I get called at all hours of the night and day, I wipe shit up when they miss the commode, add in doctors appointments, shopping , cleaning and laundry and it's a lot to cope with.
This doesn't mean I don't love my parent dearly but we are allowed to off load and we are allowed to put measures in to protect ourselves from mental and physical collapse.
And shock, horror, my sibling and I hope that they go in the not too distant future, peacefully in their sleep as it's miserable for all of us.

Op you need to establish some boundaries by our father is treating you appallingly. Yes he’s ill yes he’s old but his behaviour is still way out of line. He needs to eat the meals the home is providing and they should be doing his washing. Sure take in some of his favourite treats but that’s it. As for the meds, of course he has to wait, some drugs you can’t have simply on demand and the staff do a structured drugs round, he gets his medication but just not when he snaps his fingers. Turn your phone off at night. Don’t be a martyr. I say this as someone who has worked in a nursing home and currently has an elderly needy miserable father.

I’m assuming from this very naive comment that you haven’t been through this. Unless the OP puts boundaries in place then she will physically and mentally burn out and then she won’t be able to do anything for her Dad. I say this as someone who went through over a decade of this.

Oh here they are. The judgemental one who can only see in black and white.

As others have said, if he is texting and calling you, he’s very unlikely to be dying at that moment. The days / weeks before death are spent unable to eat and drink because the body doesn’t want it, mostly non verbal and sleeping a lot. Maybe look up the dying process from somewhere like Marie Curie site and that may give you reassurance that despite what your dad is saying, it’s unlikely to be happening at that moment.
this is a time to protect yourself. If your brother doesn’t want to be anymore involved then you can’t force him to but do not take on all the responsibility. Your dad is in the best place in a care home. I’m sorry you are dealing with all this, it’s so stressful and unfortunately, there are only best plans not perfect plans.

If he was well enough to send you that message then he was not going down hill fast. You can always ring the home/hospital and ask them how he is doing that age. It’s when they’re unable to send messages that you need to worry.

You shouldn’t be doing his washing if he’s in a home
Talk to the home in front of your df about his food preferences

When you’re back at work arrange for you to visit one day at the weekend and your brother to visit the other.
It’s OK to not answer calls all the time. If anything I’d call him once a day to see how he is but set the new ground rules with him. He’s in a care home so he has others to care for his daily needs. That’s why he’s there

If he was close to passing away it’s highly unlikely the hospice would have moved him out. So you need to prepare for how you can realistically cope when you’re back at work.

Your brother needs to pick up 50% of that responsibility.

Honestly? There's not much you can do and you need to fill your own cup first.

• Stop doing his washing, he's in a carehome.

• Don't answer all his calls, you can't be available all the time. If you need to, turn your phone off or periodically block his number/ignore his calls. The carehome will contact you if it's an emergency. You need time off to look after your own wellbeing. There will probably be missed calls and texts but you need that time.

• if he reports anything concerning about his meds etc - call the home to verify, to get their perspective on how he is doing. Call the home (not his mobile) to see how he's doing from the staff's perspective and may be chat to him too, you don't need to call everyday, call at intervals that feel comfortable to you. I can bet he won't say half that stuff in front of the staff. - I have a parent in a carehome and I have to have very, very firm boundaries with them because of how their illness presents and it's not easy, in the slightest, I call the carehome, my parent doesn't call me because unexpected calls from them are a massive trigger for me (again, this is part of how their illness presents). But I can't support them if I'm not looking after myself first.

• Visit because you want to, not because you feel you have to. If that means you don't visit as often, then you don't visit as often. It does not mean that your don't care, or that you don't love him. It just means you have a life to live. If he doesn't want to be a burden then take him literally and don't give him the opportunity to become one and be very firm with social services that you are unable to look after him, so if he won't go back to the home they need to find another alternative for him.

I don't understand these comments. The old dad is dying of cancer and you lot are all saying to ignore him and treat him like a spoilt toddler. I guess all of you will choose euthanasia when you're old? BTW of course the brother should help, unless he doesn't want any inheritance.

You've got to try and harden your heart, of course his worse days are when you don't visit (they're not) . He will be in the same state of health whether you visit or not and I hate to say it but you will know when he's really nearing the end, all the while he's texting and calling he's fine.

My aunt basically took to her bed and didn't get up again.
Which was entirely her choice, but it put a huge strain on all of us.
I went every morning to give her meds and breakfast. My sister did the afternoon.
We also did hospital visits and test appointments.
But she kept falling getting up at night so she did end up in a home.
She was only there 2 weeks.
But we'd all run ourselves ragged bu that point :(

Kindly you need to live your life and protect your health. All the time you keep agreeing to be his carer at home social care will let you as it means one less on their books. In the nursing home despite his moaning he is safe and cared for and his condition is being managed. I know it’s so hard when it is your dad but you have done what you can do. If he won’t have carers he needs to go back to the home. Beware though even if he has carers at home he will still be on to you 24 x 7 as they won’t turn up at the right time / do stuff properly ( according to him ) etc.

Kindly you need to stop responding to his texts / phone calls. He is in a safe place and cared for. If it is him contacting you it means he is ok. Tell him you will only look at texts between a certain time as you are working / sorting your own life out and will not always answer your phone. Let it go to answer phone , deal with it later and you can decide on whether it is a priority. He is doing it because you are being guilt tripped into responding immediately. Tell him which days / time you will visit and stick to it unless the staff phone you. If he is texting you about a suppository he isn’t in his final moments Tell the hospital you can’t cope with him at home and won’t be able to look after him anymore. You have done your best which is admirable but it’s time to pull back a little to protect yourself. when he tries to guilt trip you with the “you might get a phone call tonight” just respond with “ it will be terribly sad dad” and move on.

As a former full time carer myself i know it’s so hard but you have to look after you - otherwise you won’t be in any state to do anything - remind yourself he is safe and being cared for so unless the staff phone you it’s not urgent and can wait and you deal with it in your time, not immediately.

Who is expecting you to take him home?

DO NOT DO THIS EVEN FOR A FEW WEEKS.

Have you ever tried to pick up someone who has fallen. Let alone the many many emands and the barking orders at you.

I mean this gently as it's so hard , was he always like this, if you've previously had a good relationship, then the dad you knew isn't here anymore and you have to deal with the person that is now before you. Please don't feel guilty if you have to pull back a bit, (easier said than done) but once he's gone, he won't know anything about anything, it's just you that will be left feeling bad but hang on to the knowledge that you really have done the very best that you can.
This makes sense in my head and it's how I try and deal with it all. Xx

A few things jump out from your post. I might well sound harsh (sorry!).

Do NOT do his washing. The home will do it and much better than you to be frank. Its not going to make a real difference to anything if you dont. The world isnt going fall in if home does it.

Dont take calls ooh. He sounds self absorbed and quite frankly like a lot of old people very very selfish. As others say this could go on for months.

Go a few times a week. No more. Be cheery and I found with my late Mum that if she started moaning I would literally say in a cheeful voice ' are you moaning again?'.

You will hear the following phases over and over again if you havent already:

'I dont want to be a burden'
'I want to die'
'The food isnt great and the staff arent good'
'You dont know what its like. I am at the end of my life'

Many many old people have NO idea how to deal with their old age, they have no plans so when they become old they panic. Cling onto whoever they can and literally wont let go.

My Late Mum also said if she couldnt contact me then who? Siblings lived abroad and were uesless.

I shut down any fancy ideas they had as to what I needed to do which normally involved me spending hours doing something.

So what if his suppoistry isnt here. What are you meant to do about it? Ask the nurses.

I think looking back its all attention seeking along with a side of feeling scared that the end of life is near (it might not be!). My Mum didnt make any plans for end of life. She apparently just wanted to fall asleep one night and not wake up.

The guilt is horrendous I know. I wasnt there when Mum died although I did see her in the care home after she passed which was OK. I am glad I did it. I am not going to say she looked at peace but it was her time.