Non driving parent expectations

But shouldn't the mum also be kinder to the daughter, who lost her dad?

I really feel for your mum. It’s horrible getting old and you do lose your confidence. I lost my DH six months ago and I’m struggling with lack of confidence.

I think you should be kinder to her.

I agree that we should be ‘enabling’ rather than ‘doing’. Teach them to use the App rather than make the appointments for them.

I am a 50 minute drive from my mum and she expected me to taxi her to medical appointments, drop her dog off to places, pop in and chat with her etc when she was ill last year. I did it, begrudgingly, as I felt I had to and was worried that she was more ill than it turned out she was. But it made me so stressed and exhausted because I was trying to do it around part-time working and school age kids, plus guilt of her making me feel like it wasn't enough. Now she's better I've had to take a break from her for a while as I got 'caring fatigue' after a while and just ended up angry and resentful. I've had to promise myself that next time (and there will be a next time) I'll have to put better boundaries in place and refuse to do some stuff or shut her down if she guilt trips me. It is hard though. How do you know when they genuinely are unable to do anything, rather than just want the attention of being looked after?? I hope it's easier in a few years time when my kids are teenagers and I feel less 'sandwiched' as a carer!

Mine does the same and just gets cross with it and everyone that try and help her 😅

Brownbear yes they have so much time on their hands.. it is hard. We all work aswell. Sometimes I explain I can drop you to x apt but I cant wait as I do school bus so meet my driver at set times. Then she in a snot

Can't she get her groceries delivered? My parents (in their 80s) no longer drive but they walk / get the bus / get taxis / have their shopping delivered.

Edited to add - she should definitely be walking to the appointments that are only 10 mins away. It's really important to keep active as she gets older.

Mine is the same, she can’t drive now for medical reasons but had given up anyway because she can’t be bothered with it 🤦🏻 It’s not going to be long before her husband can’t drive so I’ve made it clear they need to look at alternatives now rather than when that happens. I don’t live close enough to be a taxi for them and I wouldn’t want to if I did.

Their generation - or maybe it’s just my family - seem to have no understanding that we work, in serious professional jobs with responsibilities that can’t be dropped every time they fancy a trip to Tesco. I’d start as you mean to go on OP and make it clear you are not available in work hours. I do get how hard it is though 😫

Yes sometimes the trick is to listen and sympathise but not offer solutions and then they will find their own. I would make a big point of saying how great it is that neighbour was able to take her.
I don’t think encouraging an elderly person who lacks confidence to start driving again is a good solution, there’s enough unfit elderly drivers on the road without adding to the problem.

She also refuses to use the Internet, can't use technology blah blah

It is a choice - I am much much further down the road, but this board helped me see things differently and put in boundaries - because of course it is easier to have a private chauffeur, personal shopper and full time PA- but that isn't a reality for most so it can't be for my parents either.

It is learned helplessness, if you were not around she would figure it out.

Someone told me on here to enable not do, and that makes so much sense.

Its called a taxi.
She needs to start spending some £ on that and make friends with local taxi guys if she "scared" of uber.

Separately she needs to sort out Online shopping.

Be unavailable if she actually wants to go somewhere she'll work it out

Glad to read it is all sorted out. Agree with the suggestion of online deliveries which were invaluable to my late mother in her last few years.

Regarding the non-driving as too anxious to do it, reminds of all the threads of people who essentially want to take all older drivers off the road.

Moving forward, I would suggest weekly online shops if she is expecting more lifts from you.

Yes, I was thinking the same but my mum is such a technophobe that she pretends she can’t figure it out.

i agree with make yourself less available although i am not sure i agree with her driving. what is her age.
she will find a way, as she did this time

I feel your frustration, OP. My mum stopped driving recently because she’s 85 and doesn’t feel comfortable behind the wheel anymore. She regularly asks me to chauffeur her to and I get (secretly) so fed up with it! But then I feel guilty if I don’t…

Get her the Uber app ? 😂

Put a cap on your availability now. She either takes cabs or has some driving lessons to increase her confidence and you never take time off work to be her taxi.

Google community transport in your area and then ring around. Community transport if around will also support with hospital and shopping and give her independence.

Work time has to be definitely off limits - you can't be taking time off unless it's an emergency. Going to a neighbours funeral is not that!
Id drop her at the dr and then go back to work (using my lunch hour time) because that sounds important, but I'd not be waiting around or doing other errands afterwards.
Maybe teach her how to do internet shopping so she has some independence from you - there will be times when you are away or ill or just don't want to go shopping!

My Mum is the same. Sending 💐. Don't be the one it all lands on. Say, "Mum, I'm sorry I can't, I'm working,".
Take care of yourself.

Bus?

Could she have a few driving lessons to get her confidence up?

And online shopping?

You really cannot take time off work to run her to routine stuff.

Simple answer "Sorry Mum, I'm at work".

Longer answer - see @PermanentTemporary 's post.

But I'd be cautious about trying to solve all the issues she raises.
I know it is difficult when you lose your partner, but the more small steps you take , the easier it gets.