Non driving parent expectations

Some villages have a very active social life but you have to join in. Same as towns in that respect. Isolated living isn’t appealing - I agree.

Same! I can’t understand people who decide to retire to the deepest country village - peaceful and idyllic until the time you can’t drive/spouse dies/ and you are isolated. Lack of social contact is a key determinant in cognitive deterioration. I always thought I would move to a studio flat in Covent Garden instead for my elderly years -but have settled on a buzzing London borough with lots to do and numerous free buses and trains/excellent GP five minutes walk away/ library 3 mins walk away/ all the good shops/very active U3Agroups/lively pubs with live music/cafes snd restaurants/riverside benches and views.
Am 64, currently very active and hoping for another 20 years of no aches and pains, but accept that I might be hit with something from left field.

And I’ve already put a lot of thought into living somewhere that has easy access to local facilities like the GP, hospital, library, shops and on a bus route so I won’t be stranded like my elderly parent who didn’t do this. Funnily enough, it makes life with young children easier too as everything is nearby and will help them when they’re older as they won’t have to rely on lifts to get around so will be able to see friends and get jobs independently.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER My dm was exactly the same! The local taxi firm was run by the DD of someone she knew! Totally safe and reliable. Dm was 95 though! Totally agree about isolation and loss of hearing is a big red flag too.

Also suggest grocery delivery

id say I can’t leave work. Suggest she gets a taxi. She needs to have some independence.

my dm doesnt take a taxi, her friend told her there arent any in their town!
she does take buses and has a shopping trolley but recently she complained she couldnt open tins and needed me to go and open the tins!
she had a special tin puller but it turns out she was doing it completely wrong!

That's so sad @GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER. I am relieved that my parents have embraced the taxi thing - initially they were the same as your mum so it did require a change in mindset.

My Dm gave up her car at about 80, since she’d become very nervous after an accident.
We pointed out several times that with all the money she was saving from not running a car (petrol, tax, MOTs, servicing, insurance, never mind what she sold the car for) she could take any amount of taxis.

But would she? No, because in her head - a leftover from many hard-up years - taxis were a huge extravagance. It was intensely frustrating.

As a result she spent more and more time at home, hardly going out (unless one of us took her and none of us lived close by.) . She was never socially very confident anyway, and all this isolation IMO could be one of the reasons she fairly soon developed Alzheimer’s

Might be worth downloading the Uber app while you’re at your mums and having a look if it is available or not. It never was available by me but now it is as it spreads its tentacles across the world 😂. The app is really easy to use once you’ve set up the account and put a payment card on it. Your mum isn’t old at 75 and as a PP says if she really wants to do something she will find a way if you make yourself “not available mum, I can’t leave work”

Organise grocery deliveries. Has she no local shops? My dm liked her Tesco deliveries. You have got yourself a second job here!

I really think you have to say no and have a chat with her about independence. Has she no friends who can pick her up? Dm did drive for years but friends picked her up quite often. She had to give up the car in the end and that’s when I did more but I was not working. Had I been, it would have been taxis and self sufficiency. You can only do so much.

She needs to get used to using taxis. Sorry mom I’m not able to get the time off, here’s a taxi number or the bus schedule.

She can get a taxi

And it doesn't have to be Uber or taxi apps, you can still phone a taxi, just like you've been able to for decades.

Sorry but my mum ‘loses her confidence’ too often for me to run every time she needs something. She has never properly addressed the reasons for this, just assumes that she’ll be looked after in her old age as she did to her own mum, the difference being she gave up work at 50 something so had all the time in the world.

I’m sorry for anyone struggling with getting older and don’t want to be unkind but they often expect too much of the generation below who are (in my case anyway) juggling stressful jobs that we won’t be able to retire from any time soon, our own kids and trying to keep our heads above water financially.

This! Why simply expect to ‘lose your confidence’? Keep mobile and learning new things -don’t just sink into torpor.

I didn't have children so I could have unpaid careers.

Unfortunately this is the exact attitude that drove me away.

I cannot set myself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Grocery deliveries and taxis (other public transport if possible too).

Well if you keep being rude to your kids you will be lonely. Nobody should be taking bad behaviours

I would encourage her to use the bus, if no suitable bus services near her she needs to move house to somewhere well served. You could also get her one of those trolly shopper things "For when I can't take you to do a big shop Mum" maybe you could take her once a month for a big shop and she could top up fresh bits in between.

I hope that as I age my children encourage me to keep my independence and let me know about new ways to make that easier such as taxi apps and online food shopping.

You will all be old, sooner than you think.

Tell her she can have a few lessons to learn how to do online grocery shopping. After that she either does shopping online or pays for a cab - you are no longer available.

ETA bet that is what your sibling told her

Yes but rudeness is horrible. She threatened her solicitor on me because she didnt get her own way. They a fookin nightmare at times. I explained I cant be on road all week) she didnt like it

It’s really hard getting old and losing your confidence, that’s the difference.