Complete refusal to use technology

My cousin once bought his late 70s mum a basic, very easy to use, mobile phone to take when doing her daily walk in a rural area with her older friend. She took it but repeated failed attempts to contact her on it revealed she kept it switched off as she didn't want to "waste the battery"? She then lost it. I don't think she was keen on it from the beginning tbh.
My Dad was the opposite. He always embraced new technology.

This thread has really resonated….my mil still goes to the council offices once a month to pay her council tax in cash.

She stopped going on foreign holidays when her local travel agents closed as it meant she couldn’t ‘go in’ and book.

Chip and pin, or even worse, just tapping or using Apple Pay, would be akin to witchcraft for her…

And don’t get me started in Amazon….she wouldn’t even entertain the notion of ordering something online.

Its infuriating. OP I sympathise.

I wonder if it is fear of the unknown i am dubious about AI and chatbots maybe i am getting to "that age" where i am confused, like "our parents" generation are unsure of online stuff.

My mum also retired young due to technology. She insists she can't use the pod coffee machine I bought them. It's one button, one! Learned helplessness and my dad enables it. We are polar opposites and she drives me insane.

I wouldn't refuse, but I'd show her once, write the instructions down for her, possibly with screenshots, and tell her I won't always be available so she needs to learn. My grandad died a couple of years ago at 88 but prior to his death he could send emails, was an active user of hobby forums, did online shopping etc - age is not a limiting factor, she's just leaning into intentional helplessness because she wants to be looked after. Which would be fine if you wanted to, but you don't. Your problem is not that she can't, but that she's refusing - which is a choice, and not one you have to (or should) keep facilitating.

My M is very similar. Wouldn’t even learn to ise the Video in the 80s. She can just about answer a FaceTime call on my DF’s old iPad but that’s about it and that has taken a lot of patience.

We have other family members though a fair but older than your DM who are very happily using iPhones and very independent.

My mum was ok using the internet to google things and read about things that interested her until she developed dementia, but she was never able to use a mobile phone. As she quite rightly said, why did she need one when she had a landline? I have a couple of friends who use very very little technology and manage fine - one friend has never used a debit card and it’s not a problem for her.

My mum just didn’t want to use a mobile phone and didn’t want to do banking etc online or order groceries. The amount of time it took me to help her to do things online that most people do without a second thought was negligible, and it took ten minutes a week to do her an online Tesco order during the pandemic. If I was seeing her a couple of times a week, it wasn’t a problem to take her to her bank or to the supermarket. I really think it’s unreasonable to expect everyone to embrace technology when it’s not essential.

Dm had a tendency to do this and refused to swap her burner phone for a smartphone. Then she went into hospital and saw ladies of 90+ clicking away on smartphones and cgdd as need her mind. She’s no technical whizz but she can at least order a prescription and use WhatsApp

A stylus is what she needs so she doesn’t press so hard on the icons.

My mum retired early because she said the computer system at her work was too complicated.

I am sorry but I agree. I am 67, and my long dead father (also disabled, as am I) could manage email / the internet/google etc. And that was when it wasn't as straightforward as many things now are. I would pare back the "enabling" to one weekly food shop, and beyond that she either learns or she finds another way of making her arrangements.

No I wouldn't refuse.

I feel your pain. My dad is in his 80s and will not get the internet. I keep telling him he's going to have to for the phone switchover but he's very cross about that happening so refuses to discuss getting broadband. Luckily, he's very fit and active still so does all his own bills, shopping etc, but as he gets older this may not continue to be the case.

My parents are mid 70s they don't have mobile phones , no internet sky tv and watch morning television so think everybody is getting scammed on the internet ! I don't think you can force technology on them but you have to let them get on with life.

I'm nearly 60 and didn't get the opportunity to use computers in school, but as soon as I was made redundant from a factory job in my mid 30s, me & DH were in a free computer evening class, and I've never looked back. I can do everything I need to online, and taught myself to use Photoshop which I use in my work. I never had the confidence ( or encouragement from parents) to learn new things, but i was determined to do it. I know there are women my age & younger who refused to learn or show any interest. I can't understand it. It's the future. My dad is 92 and has a computer, although he doesn't do anything online, just does word processing on it. There's no excuse really, with so many resources for older people to learn.

Someone born in 1971 (i.e. 54 this year) could have started working in the late 1980s when there would be very little IT in most people's working lives, but that wouldn't have lasted long.

This blows my mind that you know people in their 50s who won’t use the internet.

Fair enough that you want to make sure your DM has food in the house, but have you thought of not answering the phone if she rings you when an order is expected? Or fail to reply immediately to emails she's arranged to go to you, so that she doesn't get whatever it is sorted as quickly as she'd like.
Let a few small inconveniences to her build up and she might start to see the point of learning herself, or at least make a habit of telling people she has no email or internet access.

That's sad. Does she understand that high street branches are not likely to survive for much longer? My Mum's bank branch closed because hardly anyone under the age of 70 went in there any more. If she hadn't had power of attorney drawn up so that I could do online banking for her, she'd have been in real difficulties after that. On the odd occasion I have to ring the bank it takes absolutely ages. Mum is so deaf that phone conversations are no good for her.

She's refusing to learn because she knows you'll do it instead. She'll figure it out if you step back.

My mother is 86, in a nursing home and still manages to buy things online, search up stuff and WhatsApp the family. Until a year ago she was organising online food deliveries. She is an inspiration!

I'd recommend talking to your mother about paying someone to do her shopping and other basic stuff if she won't learn. You really need to look after yourself, and as she becomes increasingly disabled or frail, this is not going to get any easier!

That's really not surprising at all. 72 is no age. My husband is 70 and used to run the IT at the place he worked. He can do anything and enjoys learning how to do new things when he gets a new device. Lot of people his age and older were using IT before many MN users were even born and are totally comfortable with it..

Unfortunately some people that age or even younger have done their level best to avoid keeping up with what has become normal for most of us, and it's going to be a big problem for them (and their nearest and dearest) as it becomes expected that everybody has a smartphone and knows how to use it.

Yes! BUT even worse, because my mum is only 54. Completely scared of tech. Has switched to Nationwide for banking so she can go into a branch and a call a local team. I rarely do things for her though, only on occasion.

I do secretly believe she has an undiagnosed learning disability though - she struggles with things like this regardless of how many times she’s shown.