Complete refusal to use technology

I am going to be really harsh here as I had two parents who refused to have mobiles and liked to go into banks and council offices waving cheques around or worse cash. They didn’t expect me to do it though. At one time my late Father indicated he would quite like me go to his bank, take out some cash, then go to the council and physically pay his monthly CT. The next month could I do the same thing.

I said I would get the CT paid but in a more efficient way and because he was in the cusp of going into a home he accepted it.

They both ended up in care homes so as POA I ran their bank accounts and did their life admin but I am heartily sick of older people refusing to change their ways. It’s their way or the high way. They are also most vocal about feeling as they are been discriminated against for not being bothered to try even the simplest things.

Banks are closing everywhere because if the only people using them are the elderly or stubborn to pay in cheques or to enquire how much they have in their accounts they will shut (told to me by a bank manager friend).

I also think there is some attention seeking going on here.

Quite honestly do you really see a 70 plus women starving because they cannot use technology? Bet the OP’s parent would call a taxi to take her to the supermarket, tell them to wait for her and then spend hours complaining how much it all cost her.

My teenage DS was very patient at teaching me technological stuff and accepted that he had to repeat things several times. As you have teenagers maybe rope them in. Granny might be more obliging for them.

@Senttotestus my mum's very similar. She worked in a factory until she retired 25 years ago, so she never worked with computers, and can't get on with anything technological, no matter how many times you show her.

My sister takes her shopping each week and she always pays with cash as she doesn't trust debit cards. She gets cash out over the counter at the bank as she doesn't like cash points.

She had an eye test a few weeks ago and took cash to pay for her new glasses. The opticians only take card payments so I had to pay by card over the phone and she had to go to the bank and transfer the money to me.

It can be frustrating, but she's not been well for several years now so there's no point pushing it with her, and she is grateful. She gives my sister petrol money, for instance. We definitely wouldn't be happy helping her this much if she wasn't grateful!

I couldn’t agree more.

I take a slightly different view more along the lines of “be grateful you have you parents because you’ll wake up
some day and they’ll be gone”.

Apologies if I’ve misunderstood, but you keep in low contact with your mother just so you can get your inheritance? 😳😳

I don't know if this applies to your Mum, @mathanxiety, but my Mum could have had help with her anxiety decades ago if she'd recognised that it was a medical problem, but she didn't. As far as she was concerned, it was 'just how I am' and nothing to bother the doctor with. Tragic, really. Thank goodness people are far more understanding nowadays about mental health problems. She was prescribed an antidepressant eventually which was sold to her as something to help her sleep. It does do that, but it's also transformed her mood, thank goodness, greatly reduced her anxiety levels, and she is much less stressed than she was. Still technophobic, though!

I found that small touch screens were a step too far for my late parents. They had kept up with technology with computers and mobile phones and my dad loved digital cameras and was constantly printing pictures he had taken or copying old pictures on his printer (I honestly didn’t even know the printer did half the things he was getting it to do) but smart phones and iPads were just too fiddly. I did try to get them on smart phones but it didn’t go well and I didn’t push it and when the time came to help I just kept it simple.

Agree.
Online banking would be a nightmare with my DM, who is a sucker for a naice accent and was once on the verge of giving her bank details to a 'lovely girl' who called her one day. She was saved from disaster by sheer dumb luck.

This is my MIL.

Plays games on her computer all the time but won’t try to do something easy like renew car tax or buy something. Asks us to do it all for her.

Same thing with her TV. It “goes wrong” all the time so finds something else to so rather than try to solve it.

Advice is always “turn it off and back on again”. Always works but never tries it herself.

Terribly short-sighted. Debit cards have been around for decades. I often see signs in coffe shops and restaurants now saying that they are cashless. I totally understand why. It costs money to handle cash and it's a security risk. Fewer and fewer people pay that way, so why bother with it at all? The time is probably coming when it won't be possible any more, and then the people who've refused to learn how to use other methods of payment in earlier years will be up the creek.

Same goes for not having a mobile phone. Increasingly businesses, hospitals etc all expect to be able to contact people on a mobile or by email. They're not going to pay the extortionate cost of posting letters to the tiny minority who refuse to keep up with the times.

Isn't it?

I think there are people here with no idea how a phobia works.

My DM's next big birthday will see her getting a letter from the President (of Ireland) and although her siblings (now all over 80 and one older than her) embraced the internet as it appeared and developed, she dug her heels in and refused point blank to learn even the most basic phone functions. She does not understand tapping as opposed to jabbing a screen, and thinks you have to be excellent at maths to use a smartphone. Because 'smart'....

She complained to me five years ago that nobody sends her photos any more. I explained to her that we all exchange photos regularly, on our phones, and that nobody uses cameras or gets photos developed these days, and haven't done so for about twenty years.

She has a look of terror in her face when something goes wrong with her TV (usually as a result of pushing a button inadvertently) and is inclined to simply shrug and say, "Oh well, no more tennis then", and sit twiddling her thumbs instead. She is the same with all tech - terrified of the washing machine, won't let others use it, hand washes most of her clothes, and manages to press the wrong button or move the dial to the wrong setting so often we've wondered if it would be better to get her a washboard.

I don't know if it's everywhere but I am registered as a carer, I don't go to the coffee mornings but it does mean I have a back up plan with them. It might be reassuring for you if something similar is available for you.

Yes.
I deeply feel your pain.
My narcissistic mother (in another country), 80, had been basically wallowing around for 17 years, since my father died.
She wouldn't use ANY technology, screams and mocks her peers using touch screens, but would like daily international phone calls.
I'm very low contact anyway, for the purpose of inheritance.

Id refuse to do it for her. She wants the benefits of technology without using it. If you dont do it she'll have to learn.

Yes, I think this is just stupid. I work in a supermarket and we have many, many elderly people who use apps, pay by phone, look up their vouchers, collect parcels using their phones etc, with minimal problems. There is no reason why anyone who can use a normal landline telephone cannot transfer simple skills to use a computer or phone. They just have a mental block to actually doing it and are doing themselves no favours.

I would refuse to do as much as you're doing. She needs her own email address, WhatsApp and some simple daily tasks to do. Writing down the steps may help? But it's woeful to do nothing and expect you to do everything.

Oh no @Kelticgold I am probably near your mums age that sounds infuriatung !

I think your parents are being very inconsiderate expecting you to be their PA rather than trying to learn some basic IT skills. They could easily have done this years ago.

Your mum really should have taken the opportunity to learn basic skills when she was working at fifty. What will she do if your dad dies first? I bet most of their friends are IT literate!

I organise a coffee morning for my over 70’s ladies here in Ireland and most of them are widowed but they’re all very tech savvy. Several of them are mid 80’s and most of them still drive.

Only a couple of them worked with computers before they retired and the rest had no IT experience via work. They have put effort into learning by taking local classes. (mostly free)

They now do their own online banking, shopping and book holidays abroad etc. I still help them out if their device goes haywire but otherwise, they’re determined to make the most of every opportunity.

I would totally deploy the teenagers for this.
They could even use AI to do it, and print it off. A bit of pocket money for their trouble, perhaps.

My mother would be 90 if she were still alive and not only took herself off on computer courses, but became the go-to person for her technophobic friends.

My mum is a bit like this but she is not even 60!
She is ok with whatsapp and simple google browsing, but will refuse to do any online banking, or even using a debit card.
She is very stubborn and entitled, “it is my right to be able to do this in person” type of attitude, and thinks we are mugs because we comply with the system like sheep.
She then gets anxious when there is some admin she can only do online and my sister, who lives nearby, is not available to help.

Sorry about the long rant! (I should really be in the stately homes thread!)

My mum pays her council tax in cash she takes money out of the bank and pays it in the post office, she says it helps her keep track of her money, it seems a faff but it doesn' t really affect me yet, i am just wondering what will happen when/if she can't manage, her husband is totally useless and my mum does everything money related.

Does she wear glasses? Her prescription might need updating. I think some people are put off using tech because they try to do it on a screen that is too small for their needs.

My mum is late 70s and no problem with WhatsApp etc

As your mum has an iPad, have you tried seeing if Siri helps? Siri probably doesn’t do a whole Ocado shop but she’d send a message or find an app.

I think that the stubbornness not to learn is to keep you in her life. I’m at an age where my kids have had to learn adult skills and have been sometimes reluctant to know because it’s nice having it done for you.

Word of warning. DM won’t give up on tech. I spend significant amounts of time undoing what she’s done. Processing returns of online shopping, talking her through buying a photo from a newspaper, talking her through stuff…

FML. Two hours spent talking her through turning up the brightness of the screen after it ‘all went black’.

Always it’s the tech at fault, never the user.

So be careful what you wish for.