Complete refusal to use technology

@Isitreallysohardhe was a teacher

Yes, but that's not a "tech" problem really, it's a "dementia" problem. Our MIL was the same with her bank cards, cheque book and even cash. She just totally lost the ability to deal with any of it. After using bank cards for years, she suddenly forgot what they were and threw them away, and started trying to use cheques again, but she'd forgotten how to write cheques, so she threw away her cheque book too after a few weeks of us helping her write cheques, all the while waiting for replacement bank cards, which was also a nightmare as the banks always wanted to talk to her, so we had to hang around her house waiting for the bank long call queues to be answered etc. Then she forget about the meaning of cash, so was convinced a £20 note was worth less than a 20p coin as it was "only a bit of paper" compared to a shiny piece of metal which "had to be" worth more, so she started getting conned in shops etc when she tried to give a big note for a small purchase.

So, I think when it comes to dementia, it really doesn't matter about "apps" etc., because they probably wouldn't be able to function using old ways either.

Can I ask what he did for a living? I feel that's a big factor

I am in the same position with both my parents. They are separated so I have double the work while having my own family/home to run/work.

My dad is almost 90 he can use the TV and washing machine but if something was to go wrong with the TV he wouldn't know what to do. He has a mobile which he can use to call and look up the news but that's it. I do all his food shopping and pay bills. I've managed to change most over to direct debit as he was still taking cash out and paying at the post office up till February this year when ill health stopped him from driving. He lives with me so that does make fixing these issues easier.

My mum is early 70s and has major anxiety for general life and that includes technology. She can use her mobile to call and text but that's it I have to pay all her bills cause she wouldn't have a clue how to use the internet. She is housebound so I do lol her shopping although she does order meals over the phone which she manages alone. She will go into a blind panic of she does something wrong with her mobile and she panics using things like apps to top up her gas and electric so I have to do that as well.

Not going to lie it's hard work being split between them and have my own life

It sounds as though she doesn't really want to embrace it and is happy with not using it? If she's just bashing the keys despite you telling her, she doesn't want to be able to do it.
My mum is in her early 80s. She has tech and she is willing to use it for the few things she's happy to - emails, reading news etc, looking things up. She is completely against any form of online shopping, won't use her card online, would never order anything at all, doesn't like social media, uses the phone to book anything. Luckily she is fully mobile and can drive and do whatever she wants in another (often more drawn out) way, but if she couldn't I guess I'd be doing it all. I wouldn't mind, to be honest.

That’s nice dear. Maybe you weren’t doing lots of other jobs for your DPs as well. Maybe OPs DPs aren’t quite as amazing as yours were. Maybe your situation and the OPs are not the same.

OP I say again, give up on the idea it will only aggravate you further. I see why you want her to do it - it feels like one of the few things she should be able to do herself. But trying to make her will drive you crazy.

Does she get attendance allowance? She should and that money could be used for a cleaner and someone to do the laundry . I know it’s easier said than done < says she who does a 2-3 hr return journey to change her DPs sheets> but I feel that might be a more successful option to reduce the burden on you.

Well, I have the opposite problem. My DP's embrace tech but can't use it. They press buttons, delete things, do the exact opposite of what they were told to do, and call me at least twice a week with some tech crisis. I'm over there almost mevery weekend fixing things.

Both have been caught by scammers. DF clicked on something in an email and put his login details in a few weeks ago. DM almost got caught in an email scam but I nipped that one in the bud, thankfully.

Sometimes I wish they didn't use technology!!

My MIL was like this (she’s gone now). This including absolutely refusing to use a mobile at all.
she had one, it was switched off in a drawer for emergencies’.
Except there were emergencies and it remained unused, including her phone going off and she couldn’t call anyone.
She also refused online food deliveries as they would leave it on the street and get stolen, no matter how many times I told her you to sign for it .
She would also pretend she couldn’t really work her tv even though she clearly could.
All it was really was to get us to come and do it for her.

For some people (definitely my DM), the whole anti tech thing is bound up with a nostalgia for how things used to be. In some instances I do have a bit of sympathy with this - for example, my DM would argue (and frequently has) that things like self service tills in supermarkets and libraries, and online banking, has taken away a lot of the small, daily social interactions, especially for elderly people. I do get that. But, for me, it's the rejection of all tech, full stop, which I find frustrating (and which actually reduces interaction for my DM, as she can't join in with family WhatsApp chats etc).

Well, I'm older and only embrace part of the internet. I can order shopping/Amazon etc., but don't do takeaways, and choose not to engage with Facebook, X and all that.

Yet I would also say, stop doing so much for your mother. I do not expect my own adult children to do things for me and I won't when I'm even older and infirm. If I choose not to engage with certain aspects of modern life, I accept the consequences, I will not use it as an excuse for family members to do even more running around and arranging stuff. Absolutely unfair.

Set some boundaries. It's really sad that your own children are missing out because you're spending so much time dealing with an elderly mother.....and I say that as an elderly mother myself!

But, OP, if your mother didn't have children (as I don't), she would have to manage by herself, wouldn't she? So she is taking advantage of your willingness to help. Maybe it's too late for you to change things, but I think the moral of the story is not to start down this road of being too helpful.

Then stop. Don't put this selfish woman who doesn't care about you over your own kids. Give her 8 weeks notice to learn to do this stuff and if she refuses, report to social services as vulnerable and take a big step back.

Or continue to be a doormat and let your kids suffer for it.

I'm 60 and I'm happy with pretty much all tech, use computers etc.
But I've never owned or used a microwave in my life - just never seen the need to have something taking up space and gathering dust! I would be able to use one if I wanted to, but it's just a personal choice issue.

But, yes, we all need to keep on top of this stuff, and many of us don't have younger people to help us. So it's adapt or die!

My dad is 85 and texts, emails, books stuff online, can FaceTime etc

OP, of she has a microwave and freezer, M&S do ready meals, as do Waitrose and specialist companies deliver frozen meals, you could stockher up so she won’t starve,
then if she has room, bulk buy tins of soup, toilet paper, toiletries, etc.,then take her packs of prepared fruit and veg and salads.

The reluctance to use technlogy I realise is frustrating. Men find technology easier to work with, as do small chidren! women who have relied on husbands or sons for ‘that sort of thing’ have an inbuilt reluctance, it isn’t just your mum.
It’s a great shame councils ended theHome Help service(why) who would bring bits of shopping, fetch prescriptions, cook simple repasts, basic housework and the
Meals on Wheels.

There is a milkman service too, my neighbour has it, leaves bread, juice, eggs,

How would she manage if you lived in France for eg.
There is an element of cling, as has been cited here already.

Perhaps you could pose this question over on Gransnet, for more experienced
opinions, this cannot be a new phenomenon.

This behaviour drives me up the wall! Even the incentive of being able to see and communicate with the gc doesn’t work. It should all be mediated by me getting photos developed and then posting them! And bringing the gc to visit her.
Unsurprisngly the few gc that are now adult barely have any relationship with her as she couldn’t be bothered to put in a bit of effort at a relatively young age to stay in touch with them.

Don't use it then [shrug]

But don't expect other people to do it for you. It's not a difficult thing to learn to use. It doesn't require a lot of skill or knowledge and can be done without leaving a comfy chair so mobility is not an issue.

There's really no reason other than "I don't want to" for people to not learn basic internet skills, and that's fine, it's their choice, but it comes with a responsibility to find their own alternatives not just heap unnecessary work on those close to them!

I don't actually think these posters would let there parents struggle it is just their parents are capable of x y z so not at that stage, either that or just don't care which is sad really, I do think you need to rethink the iPad though, she isn't managing and forcing the point is only making everyone frustrated .

I'm in my 70s and hate the internet. I have been forced into using it. I completely understand people refusing can't/ won't engage with it. My partner is even worse. Older people and people with LD and/ or MH issues are still people who need extra help, what is wrong with that. Ok if you don't want to, but you need to look for alternatives, maybe paying someone else to do their online shopping?

Tbh there are so many scams that shes probably quite sensible.

If your dad is tech savvy why isnt he helping her and doing the communication?

My grandfather lived to 97 and had his own FB account (with his great grandchildren as friends), used WhatsApp, did online shopping...

My dad is 75 and completely up to date with tech and how to use it.

My 73 yr old mum on the other hand (they're divorced) is a very reluctant tech user and really suffers from her own stubbornness. She has finally agreed to get a smartphone but refuses to download any apps at all and has disabled notifications because she finds them "intrusive". Her relationship with her grandchildren, and even tbh her DC, is poorer for it. She wants regular phone calls and for us to email her photos so she can look at them when she fires up her aged desktop computer - she won't use any other messaging app. She's always days behind with conversations because of this - it's not always possible to ring her up to tell her some small pieces of news but a quick WhatsApp would have been so simple if she would only bloody use it. She won't use online banking or pay for anything online because she is so suspicious of how it works, but then wants us to do it for her instead. It's very wearing. I dread answering the phone to her because it's usually yet another request to order something!

My parents didn't use any technology, other than DF being able to text, and it didn't bother me in the slightest. They've done plenty of stuff for me over the years, I was more than happy to return the favour.

Maybe some of you might have some empathy when you find yourself old and technology has changed so fast you can't keep up.

This is my experience too. My DM has one GS ( my son) and a baby GGS, but will not use any kind of technology to keep in touch with them ( they live 3-4 hours away).
Yes, it’s bewildering, and hurtful.
Yet she’s a whizz regarding anything to do with her TV, because she watches it all day.
It’s quite comforting to hear about other people having the same issues.

My DM is similar. She can text but that’s about it. She did go to a few computer classes in her 60s but couldn’t seem to get to grips with it. She is a very intelligent lady - was a doctor- but can be very stubborn. DF still emails and does online Morrisons order age 91, but can’t learn anything new - I tried to teach him how to Zoom during lockdown and it was impossible. DH and I can see that in the not too distant future, he will have forgotten how to order and that’s ok as we have a rough idea what they eat. TBH by the time that occurs, food orders will be one of a. pressing list of needs.

Honestly OP, I would give up and focus your efforts on outsourcing the time consuming stuff like the laundry. Think of it this way, currently you spend 10 minutes a week doing her grocery order. You could spend many hours teaching her how to do her own, without it sticking and then her sight and memory may degenerate anyway. Get in some ambient meals just in case you are unavailable for any reason to do the order.

The best thing I did was get a card for DPs accounts well before we needed to use it. I have POA and it takes a Long Time at the bank to sort it out. But thankfully they have the same current account provider as me so I can order and pay for what they need online. DF still enjoys driving to the bank to pay bills ( the driving is a whole other story) but when the time comes I will stick those on the account as well.

Well done OP, it’s a hard relentless slog and I have only been doing it for a few months.