Complete refusal to use technology

I agree. It's so easy now. I keep expecting glitches because it used to be the norm.
It's dangerously easy to buy things online now!

Exactly and us middle aged or older people had to deal with tech in its infancy when nothing was as user friendly as it is these days. Things that take moments now used to take ages in the ‘ol days. Even something a straightforward as setting up a new home network would be a right pain and take ages.

My mother was like this. I think we may have been the last family I know to get a proper washing machine because my mother didn't want to get to grips with how to use one - though she managed fine when my Dad retired and insisted they get one. I always felt it was such a pity that she wouldn't use computers, because the reality is if she had she would have really enjoyed things like nosing at houses for sale and proclaiming her views on social media.

It didn't really affect her in day to day life. Unfortunately by the time it would really have benefited her, after my father's death, I think she was genuinely unable to use it because she had a stroke not long afterwards that left her with very little understanding of numbers and, though she wouldn't admit it, really struggling to read. Maybe she had already been familiar with IT we could have got round that, given all the programmes that are available for people with learning disabilities etc, but she just didn't have the will to do it.

In your case, OP, it may be worth considering whether there is possibly an element of demential creeping in if your mother isn't even taking in basic instructions like "You don't need to bash the iPad screen".

If you have Amazon prime you can order literally anything for next day delivery. You can also order groceries from various supermarkets through Amazon prime and the minimum is usually £15 which buys you about 3 things these days.

I only hope that current "middle aged" people lose the attitude and get on board with tech now, i.e. parking apps, online banking, online shopping, etc., otherwise they'll likewise struggle as more and more stuff goes app/online only which is clearly what is going to happen.

What attitude? Are you meaning the elderly because I think you'll find the majority of middle aged people grew up with tech from at least their mid 20's. I don't know anyone in my age group who isn't tech savvy.

All the shops that would deliver to my DM have a €40 minimum.

She eats about €15 worth of food a week and wouldn't need the bulky detergent or loo roll weekly.

My dh is only 68 and refuses to have a smartphone.
He can't get into our banking apps.
Refuses to learn.
Then he accuses me of being on my phone all the time.
It causes terrible rows.

The annoying thing is he does all our tax returns on his laptop.
He's perfectly capable.

There’s a personality and attitude problem though- we all know that tech can be frustrating. Google forcing you to sign in, various apps uninstalling themselves. Masses of passwords.

If you are not a patient person, and perhaps have additional barriers like numb/cold fingers or reduced eyesight, it’s nigh on impossible.

Years ago I was shocked to realise my ten yr old ‘saw’ far more than me on the screen. He was able to spot and process things during games that I couldn’t see even when he pointed them out.

Now, DM can’t see the little crosses in the corner to get rid of pop ups, or the save/submit button at the bottom corner. She simply doesn’t have the breadth of field or the patience to look.

It’s a frickin’ nightmare, from a distance.

You both need to be patient to sort it out.

There also seems to be a group of people who, at about 70, thought, 'I'll be dead soon, so what's the point?' and never learned. Now they're 85 or 90 or 95, they find it harder than ever to learn new things, are losing vision or dexterity, and are still thinking, 'Well, I'll be dead soon, so what's the point?'

I think my aunt is in this category. She expected not to last beyond 80 (saying, at 65, 'What a shame I'll never see your baby grow up, Edith!' Baby now approx 30 and aunt still going.) She is a complete technophobe, her upper limit is the TV remote. She has limited her life so much: my DC would cheerfully send her texts and photos, she could online things rather than insisting that my cousin takes her to the shops. She likes music, she'd love Spotify....

If you're 80, you could have another 15 years in you. Get a bloody mobile and learn to use it.

There is an article on the Daily Mail today about ‘elderly people not coping with modern technology’ featuring a picture of a woman aged about 45 and despairing man about 55.
Coincidence maybe

I think sitting with her and doing it together might work better. Then gradually reducing input

I feel your pain, but not the specific ‘can’t do it/won’t do it’ aspect as my DM has always been keen to learn since her early 70’s - she loved learning to take and organise photos mainly, but also wanted to keep up with the family and realises if she hadn’t done this, she can’t involve herself in conversations, so took herself off to iPad classes and still goes (86)! Dad, on the other hand, was way more academic, but retired just as technology took hold. Had no interest in learning about it as he’d rather have been on the golf course, and imho, classed DM as his secretary and filing cabinet, that he always had at work 🤣
Personally I wouldn’t refuse the food shopping OP, but I’d have a serious chat about the pressure it’s putting on you and explain that the laughing is infuriating. The deal could be;
I’ll order it, but if it hasn’t arrived, YOU have to chase it up (as I haven’t got time to make the phone calls).

Yes, this is what MIL needed as she had MS so didn't have the dexterity. Her iPad enabled her to manage a lot of the day to day stuff, and husband set up curtains, lights etc via that to allow voice commands etc

Husband's grandma is 94. Doesn't do computers (fair enough, just about) and has come up with arrangement to phone in her shopping order.

Co-op minimum spend is £15. Website is very clunky compared to Ocado, which is what I use for our household, but it's Co-op or nothing for Mum (on an island).

We've had incremental changes over the past 40 years. If people had the wrong attitude a couple of decades ago by refusing to engage with "new" tech, then the chasm soon gets too large and they'll not cope with going from nothing to the current high tech World. I only hope that current "middle aged" people lose the attitude and get on board with tech now, i.e. parking apps, online banking, online shopping, etc., otherwise they'll likewise struggle as more and more stuff goes app/online only which is clearly what is going to happen.

This is different from people who've previously successfully used tech and have lost the ability due to dementia, etc., but they'd struggle with "paper" based systems and "in person" dealings too eventually as the dementia progressed and would likewise need carers/support to do day to day things, even the old fashioned ways.

I haven’t read the thread so apologies if someone has already mentioned it but some supermarkets do allow elderly customers to place orders by phone.
I would try and set up everything possible by phone, imagining a situation where you are, for example, in hospital for a couple of weeks and couldn’t help her.

Gosh. Well done her! 95 is a good old age to get to and to be mentally alert enough to use tech is fantastic

Minimum spends aren’t that much, usually £40 or so. Buy washing liquid, toiletries as well as food etc and it’s not hard to spend that much even for one person.

i physically take my dm shopping,
online? surely there is a minimum spend that they wont reach, or dont they care and pay the forfeit?

Apart from using the accessibility functions on iPads maybe some posters could look at getting webcams or Amazon echos (or similar). You can set things up so you can easily talk and see what people are doing. You can set Amazon echos up so that the person on the end doesn’t have to do anything to receive a call/video call. You can just ‘drop in’. There are endless possibilities and they aren’t too difficult to set up. Try AI or YouTube videos.

Apart from using the accessibility functions on iPads maybe some posters could look at getting webcams or Amazon echos (or similar). You can set things up so you can easily talk and see what people are doing. You can set Amazon echos up so that the person on the end doesn’t have to do anything to receive a call/video call. You can just ‘drop in’. There are endless possibilities and they aren’t too difficult to set up. Try AI or YouTube videos.

You have my utmost sympathy.

The EPICF (elderly person I care for) is the same. It used to be wilful but now it's mostly their cognition. The learned helplessness drove me mad.

Online shopping was fine when it was endless crap from M&S, or fucking QVC. But ask them to order anything they actually needed like a new fridge, or food and they couldn't.

Grr. Fucking. Grr.

I live miles away and it would have been so handy if they could send me pictures of domestic disasters (like the ceiling falling down), or the error message on the boiler. But nope. Totally impossible. These days they can't even work out how to take a photograph of a single sheet A4 document.

OP's mum resigned from her job in her mid-50s because she refused to learn how to use a computer. This is wilfull and deliberate ignorance which would be fine if she didn't expect OP to do everything for her that requires the use of technology that her mum refused to engage with when she had the chance.

As this has been posted on the Elderly Parents board you must have seen other posts where posters are being run ragged caring for elderly parents that have never been great parents, even when they were much younger.

It's great that you feel that it is a privilege to care for your elderly parents, but don't assume that everyone has the same experience as you. For many people, it is a burden and not a privilege to care for difficult and ungrateful elderly parents.

@Badbadbunny I often wonder how many times people complain that their elderly parents are refusing to learn something when it's actually MCI or early signs of dementia. Looking back becoming reluctant to using the internet because "they've made it more difficult" was the first sign with mum although we didn't realise it at the time.