Complete refusal to use technology

She is old. Some people get old quicker than others. Her eyesight, manual dexterity and ability to concentrate are probably poor. She is anxious and can't take in new things. This is how some people age. She might be struggling more than you realise, older people do have a tendency to "cover up" and pretend they are managing better than they are. I don't think you can do much. Protect your own sanity by accepting she can't cope with technology, its not really her fault and set your boundaries so you only do as much as you can stand.

Oh it is hard. Dp’s mum is thank goodness extremely determined to stay independent and that includes using a lot of tech. It’s not easy for her due to Parkinson’s but she does it.

Charitably you could interpret the laughing as embarrassment if it helps defuse the situation a bit?

I just wonder if getting her to use a stylus might reduce the bashing.

If she has a spare room maybe look into Homeshare? Someone who is around for ten hours a week could mostly be doing tech stuff! Agreed though at getting organisations to list her as not having an email.

I’m in exactly the same boat as you including bashing the tablet like it’s a typewriter and then “it doesn’t work”

I agree with others that you need to step back. It’s fine for her to stubbornly refuse to engage with the digital world but then she also has to deal with the consequences of not doing so. I feel for you, because it’s going to be painful!

If you weren’t around what would need to happen? Surely she would have carers to do her shopping etc?

< hollow laugh> DH 74 is like this. Can fb scroll and hit 'like' but that's it. DD set up his FB with the hope he'd try, no, didn't happen.
I do all household admin. I gave up years ago trying to get him to do any of it. I know its taken care of but I will only do stuff that effects me.
If the kids want to speak they have to ring him..they usually message me instead.
That said, he's never written a letter, left a note or any other written communication. His writing and spelling are poor although he can read reasonably. He got put off learning properly by adult education teachers being patronising and refused after that.
He was a product of 50s/60s care system.
I refused/ refuse to do the communication with his 'family', when his 'mother' was alive she got shitty because I wouldn't write, she got very short shrift as he was in care because of her neglect!
My point op is either draw a line on what you will do or drop the rope on it.

It’s the stubbornness and refusal to learn that annoys me. You have to move with the times. I’m mid 50’s and I know a few people of my age that are completely useless with internet and technology. God knows what they were doing 30 years ago when they were in their 20’s if they managed to miss all the new tech around

We had similar with MIL about 15 years ago. She was 100% capable of using an electric typewriter, but could NOT learn how to do an email. Various members of the family talked her through it, wrote her detailed instructions, went and did it again... and again... and again.

My aunt, now into her 90s, flatly refused to ever use so much as a mobile phone - I think she thought she'd be dead before she 'needed' one. But if she'd kept up with things like iPads, she'd be able to FaceTime the younger members of the family, which she would massively enjoy.

It's made DH and I vow to keep up. Which will be my excuse when the afternoon comes that I waste 3 hours getting to grips with AI so that I can post a cute image on MN....

My mum is 92 and she is definitely not going to learn to do anything technical she couldn't do a few years ago when my Dad was there to show her how. My brother and I have had to accept this. In her case a lot of it is due to severe chronic anxiety as well as a lack of aptitude and application. She manages perfectly well to use the television and the washing machine, and has learned how to use her ipad to play Wordle. She has a little scrap of paper stored with her very basic mobile reminding her how to open, read and delete a text. She's never sent a text in her life. She might have sent an email a few times, but not recently. She wouldn't have a clue how to do online banking and lives in fear of it anyway. I think it's safest that she keeps well away from all of that so I do it for her. I do her online food shop as she wouldn't manage that in a million years and she is more or less housebound now.

It is frustrating. The rest of us in the family use WhatsApp all the time and so often I'd like to drop her a line or send her a picture, but I can't.

However, the difference between my Mum and some of the people mentioned here is that she never had to learn to use IT at work. She retired from teaching nearly 40 years ago. My Dad carried on working till he was 65 and did have to become computer literate, to an extent, and he enjoyed it and carried on using a desktop PC for emails, basic word processing, online banking and internet searches. He was slow but he wasn't terrified of blowing the PC up, unlike my Mum!

What does she say when you tell her not to bash it so hard? Can she use a microwave, remote control, push button doors?

Also my grandma was 80 (died 6 years ago or so) and could use WhatsApp!!!!!! Okay so she couldn’t do a supermarket shop online but she gave a tech a bloody good go

Wow she’s not too old for tech. My stepdad is 72 and there’s nothing he can’t do. Happy to WhatsApp, online banking, order a food shop, make a PowerPoint, use excel….

Well if you've shown her how to do it and she's still bashing it, she's doing it on purpose to dumb herself down.

start saying no and you'll see a change.

Why would she learn when she’s got you? You need to learn to say no. And yes I would refuse to do it - she’s got the opportunity to learn and the capacity, she just CBA because she has you! Stop doing it.

Spot on. I done computing when the first ones hit offices back in the 80’s and have always kept up to date with technology. My children still call me and ask me technical questions and they’re from 22-32. My youngest says my generation should understand it more because we created it and it’s so true

Yes! If she realises she won't have any food she'll only keep saying no to the iPad for so long!

you are not responsible for your mother and you are enabling her. You need to toughen up.

My DM is mid 80s and she manages most things. Still a bit flummoxed by changes of provider.
DH is 70 and retired a couple of years ago from a data driven job. Age is not an excuse - he's more technical than me.
Send her some phone numbers for things you are currently doing for her. Most banks still have phone banking (don't they have an obligation to do so?), Shop Mobility etc.

My fil had the same attitude to tech. What can help is writing down instructions on a pad with a drawing of the appropriate button/s.
It’s getting harder and harder to carry on with ordinary life without computers and the internet these days.

No definitely not. It’s annoying they won’t try and take it in but we still never refuse her. Been told 100 times how to find the channel she wants but gets so annoyed he just goes and does it for her. She only lives 5 minutes away so it’s not too annoying but would never refuse to do anything for her

Some people use age as an excuse. It’s a cop out. I’m nearly 60 and my first degree is in computer science (I graduated in 1990!) so it’s not a “new thing”!! People who are 70+ now were 40s in the 90s so it’s just pig headedness.

I'm sorry that's awful, I'm 70 and my DH 78 and we both bloody love tech.

What an utter pain that a) she's missing out and b) you feel you have to do everything for her.
Can't you farm some of it out to some sort of support worker? It's a lot to have to think about extra in your life.

I’ve got an 80 year old mother exactly the same. No reason she could not have learnt as she was also working when computers came in but refused to engage with any change on principle. She also had a brand new iPad given to her and it’s still in the box.

Problem is, she is housebound so can’t shop for herself. I worry that if I didn’t do the shopping for her if I was ill or something, she would literally starve as there is no back up.

I do find it annoying as tbh I think it was purely stubbornness which prevented her moving with the times. Other people her generation managed it, including my father who was older.

If they were fully capable of doing it themselves but just refused to? Yes