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Elderly parents
Original poster

DF now refusing discharge from hospice and wants to stay!

58 replies

Totallybannanas · 16/07/2025 16:24

He has been there for 2 weeks now and they have managed to stabilise his symptoms so the plan was to discharge him to a nursing home. Long story short there was a mix up with the funding, and I've been struggling to find ones with nursing care and with a bed. I think the more expensive ones have been declined and the others have filled already the bed due to funding mix up. Anyway they have offered another home which wasn't the best, cramped and smelt of wee. Dad doesn't want to go there but we have no alternative and he doesn't want to go home. I do not want to be his carer again ☺️ I know what he is thinking and he is hoping to stay as long as he can and is now wishing himself to die. The nurses keep pestering me about nursing homes and about me finding somewhere, but I already feel I've wasted time looking. Obviously I didn't realise there was a restricted budget and you can't top up anymore, so any home we get isn't going to be great. I also don't want to make that decision. He has capacity and I don't have POA so surely he has to decide or they have to just move him. I just totally tired and bogged down with it all.

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 16/07/2025 19:25

The hospices I know are end of life care. This sounds like respite care. Do you have a local hospital and has he been in hospital? They have companies who help with home placements. Or he goes home with a care package. I’m surprised there’s no social services involvement. Or services signposted by the GP. Have you contacted any of these people?

Also what money does he have? Does he have savings? Or a house to sell? You need to plan his care and I know how hard that is.Also Age uk might be able to advise.

stichguru · 16/07/2025 19:15

Really sorry you are this predicament OP. It's horrible in so many ways. To be honest as your dad sounds like he is of sound mind, I think the hospice need to be talking to him about this. Ultimately, they are the ones that need to be discharging him to somewhere that will meet his needs. Is there a day unit he could link into? I was a hospice volunteer 20 years ago and we had a thriving day unit where people would come and do activities from their nursing homes or houses to give them a change of scenery and carers a break.

tarheelbaby · 16/07/2025 19:05

Maybe there are different kinds of hospice and different reasons for going into hospice, but when my DH was tranferred there (referred by hospital and supported by GP), no one was really planning for him to live anywhere else and he only lasted about 2 weeks. Even so, there was a moment about 9 days in where staff commented that he could possibly 'go home'. We were horrified. Our house is totally not suited to a semi-bedbound patient.
So don't move your DF - I don't think they can make you

Original poster
Totallybannanas · 16/07/2025 17:39

He doesn't want to go home either as doesn't think he will cope. Plus he would want me to do all his shopping, cleaning and cooking and I can't do this long term. He is isn't the easiest person to look after and I'm trying to go back to work. He would probably like me to quit my job and become his carer. And yes, I don't blame him but I don't think he will be happy anywhere.

OP posts:
TheignT · 16/07/2025 17:02

I can't say I blame him, who wants to go into a cramped home that smells of wee.

harriethoyle · 16/07/2025 16:58

If he has capacity you can’t admit your DF into a care home against his will. Make that clear to the hospice and say you are doing your best to encourage but that’s all you can do. Point blank refuse to have him back to your home or you will become default carer… could he go to his own home with carers?

Original poster
Totallybannanas · 16/07/2025 16:33

Viviennemary · 16/07/2025 16:28

Hospices give very good care and often people don't want to leave. But there has to to be space for other folk in need of hospice care. It's difficult but an alternative needs to be found for the present. Maybe he can be admitted again if he needs to be.

I totally get that. Luckily at the moment the ward is quit and there are empty beds. But I've struggled to find any nursing care, either there are no beds, not enough funding or they only take dementia patients. I just don't know what the solution is. Then hospital are asking me to sort it but I can't make him go! Equally if eh decides to come home I don't want to be his carer. I've done that for 2 mths and I want my life back.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 16/07/2025 16:28

Hospices give very good care and often people don't want to leave. But there has to to be space for other folk in need of hospice care. It's difficult but an alternative needs to be found for the present. Maybe he can be admitted again if he needs to be.