Husband admitted he will be relieved when his parents die. Does anyone else feel that way?

I won't shed a tear.

I love my parents but they are old and unwell and unhappy. I think I may feel some relief once they are gone, but I also expect to be sad. However they have been loving parents. If they hadn't I think I would feel like your husband.

I can relate. My parents don’t sound as bad as your ILs and I don’t have very much contact with them (equally they don’t have much money so I’m not expecting much on that front). Many years of therapy and I’ve come to terms with things but I don’t think there is any point trying to change dynamics at their age and stage as I just don’t think it would achieve anything except NC. I think your DH position makes sense. I think your role here is to be emotionally supportive

Mine are a while away from that yet I hope, mid 70s and 80. But my dad still has his 100 year old mum. Her life has no quality to it and my dad is resentful to look after her as he fell neglected as a child and it's all bubbled to the surface as hes got older.
Im predicting a difficult time as they get older . They have ALOT of money but are very mean with themselves. I see it alot on here.
Their house is deteriorating fast and is not as clean as it could be. Im disabled myself so cannot help.
They have a large garden with steep steps. A huge garage filled to the brim with old tools, paint, garden equipment etc
My mum is having progressive mobility issues. I've spoken to them at length about getting a modern bungalow etc- they just refuse.
I cant understand why they dont want a nice easy home, my mum used to be so house proud.
They only eat yellow sticker food, and by everything second hand. If they need a new appliance it is brought begrudgingly after days of shopping around to find the absolute cheapest one.
They will never ever pay for cleaners, gardeners , carers. I physically cant do it so god knows what they expect will happen

Nope
Absolutely no forgiveness here, or guilt.
And im totally fine with that.
I may feel many many emotions, but forgiveness and guilt are not any of them.

My mum did the slow dementia death. Didnt cry literally until a couple of years after she died. It was just a relief not to have to deal with it anymore. She would have hated who she became.

TBH, after far too much experience of dementia in 3 relatives I honestly think that the sooner people die of it (or with it) - the better. If I ever get it, I would hope and pray for the ‘galloping’ variety.

It’s so often a cause of massive stress and exhaustion to the family doing their best to care, not to mention very often endless anxiety and fretfulness to the poor sufferer, plus the total loss of dignity at the more advanced stages.

And I really hate to think of whatever dh and I have managed to accumulate for dds after we’re gone, going in care home fees. Though I’ve told them not to think twice about putting me in one, if - God forbid - it should come to that.

Tell me you havent a fucking clue what youre talking about without telling me you havent a fucking cluewhat you are talking about.
Gross.

He's right they won't change. My DH feels the same way about his mum (FIL was a lovely guy but sadly died 5 years ago). He has given up even attempting to get her to adjust her behaviour. She just twists absolutely everything to make her the victim and everyone is unfair to her. Despite it actually being about her own abhorrent behaviour and actions.

The only thing he will auto correct on or shut down is when she starts blaming me. DH stays in contact but low level to keep the peace with other family members and to stop the hassle. But he has zero inclination of having any meaningful relationship with her.

My parents were both narcissists, I suffered years of emotional neglect and abuse from them and they ruined my life. Worse, it took me decades to realise that they were the problem, not me.

My M is still alive and has dementia. She is in a home but I am expected to help with various practicalities, visit when possible, etc, which I do to avoid being guilted and/or made to explain my unwillingness and what I've suffered at her hands and as a result of her lack of love, kindness or even benign neglect.

Being in the same room with her even now feels like being trapped with a dangerous animal and she is still capable of verbal cruelty.

I'll be relieved when she's gone.

Be prepared though that your husband may grieve in a way he doesn't expect.

When my mother died it caught me off guard how strong the grief was for the mother I should have had.

It took me a while to work out and I was incredibly confused why I was so devastated because the woman was horrific. Thankfully it made sense once I realised

From my observation people with difficult relationships with difficult parents usually get hit pretty hard by grief but not in a straight forward I miss them or I regret X way.

It's more the loss of the opportunity for that parent to turn round and said I'm sorry or I love you ot whatever else they secretly even unknowingly held out for

I was incredibly relieved When my father died.

We were taken by my grandparents when I was 7 due to the level of abuse and neglect in our home. At various points he turned up and caused trouble. Once even trying to set fire to our home.

For some reason my siblings felt obliged to visit him when he was dying. It destroyed the last remnants of our relationship because they felt I should too - my eldest brother showing his similarities by getting violent because I wouldn't capitulate to their demands.

He was a vile man and life is much more relaxed now I never have to worry about facing him ever again.

When my FIL died I felt sadness close to that of when my grandparents died - he was lovely. I'll be absolutely heartbroken when my MIL dies. She's been the closest to a Mum I've ever had.

his isn't overly effective as he lies to the carers, calls them things like 'fuckmonkey' and is a general pain in the arse

I'm so sorry, but this actually made me explode with laughter!!

My Dad can be similar. If he can't find something, he exclaims "those bastard carers have stolen it", even if the missing item is as innocuous as a hearing aid battery, or a loo roll. I mean COME ON!

In late stage dementia people eat less and less because their body doesn’t need it as they are slowly dying. Food should still be offered, but not forced. Tube feeding is cruel and is unlikely to prolong life much and increases the risk of aspiration pneumonia. This is what happened to my dad (who had dementia and cancer) who gradually ate less and less, then nothing at all. It was a relief when he died.

This thread is a real eye opener 😥

The thing is, IF the OP’s dh was to go NC due to their awful behaviour and was cut out of the will, this would be yet another deep hurt to deal with.

Ive seen it happening in my family with my grand parents and father.
Theres no right answer.
But it’s certainly not about staying for the money as you imply.

Yes I was glad when my mum went recently. She had had dementia for years but she had mental health problems throughout my childhood and was never really happy.she absolutely adored her mum and I hope they are now somewhere together having a good old natter and inviting my late husband round for a brew.

I had a difficult relationship with my mum. When she was ill in hospital she used to ring me up and ask me to break her out. From 200 miles away. I gently refused. I just couldn't put the added pressure on my dad who was her carer. I think there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough and put your own mental health as a priority.

I feel for your DH and would certainly not judge him whether he chooses to go NC or hangs in there for an inheritance, and/or feels relief when they pass. As pps have said though- there might not be one. Care home fees are burning through £96k per year for my father, who has severe Alzheimer’s and is on medication to stop him from being anxious. It is tragic to see.
It is normal to have feelings of sorrow, relief, guilt, anger, when parents pass. In my experience these feelings also accompany complex and difficult relationships with parents while they are alive.
The saddest thing of all is that it seems unlikely that they will be able to give him what he might like most in terms of unconditional love and acceptance. I hope he is able to make peace with this and with himself and that he realises that he has no need to feel bad about whatever decision he decides to make.

I've always wondered how Bryan Johnson will age.

Well, not having kids does not make people selfish so Id like to remove that insult first.Also the poster using the phrase 'elderlies' is very insulting and ageist, addinIg'lies' to an adjective is very infantilising.Older people are human beings.Perhaps your children will be relieved when you die.But dont assume you will get any money.People do weird things with wills.You too will be lying in that hospital ward shitting yoursel or not knowing what is going on.Jusy give it time

i think the reason they’re not paying for help is staring you in the face - people like your in-laws adore power and the inheritance is the hold they exert over you. It’s the hold that’s got you showering a woman you openly acknowledge had no feelings for you. Whilst you may be the pragmatic one who can face that truth unflinchingly, perhaps your dh feels less comfortable knowing he’s being played?

It was a relief when my mum died, she died quickly but she was very hard work in life, she loved playing games and making you feel bad about yourself. She never praised us, just commented she coukd do better.I have never cried about her dying. She did leave me some money but I just put it in the bank.

I was certainly relieved when Mother died, and she went how I expected - alcohol related seizure, we found her on the bedroom floor. We'd have found her sooner if she wasn't in the habit of ignoring phone calls for days purely for shits and giggles!

She was extremely hard work post retirement (she was given the option to retire or be booted for repeatedly turning up drunk), started really drinking excessively, stopped eating, bought endless food she did not eat just to cover up the 'going to the shops for alcohol', so her house was filthy and full of rotting food..

She needed care but there was no way she was ever going to accept it.

Now... I do find myself wishing my Dad would just pass in his sleep. He made it home from hospital following seizures and pneumonia recently, he is having one carer visit a day to basically make sure he is upright, has had meds and been offered food - this isn't overly effective as he lies to the carers, calls them things like 'fuckmonkey' and is a general pain in the arse.

He insists he must go to the pub every night (that has been his routine for at least the last 30 years) and as he cannot drive this means someone else has to take him. Some days, none of us can and there is no friend/paid person available either.

On those days despite being given advanced warning that there is no pub trip, he will ring me, trying to play me off against my sister, telling me he is desperate and worried and she's being mean/rude/has vanished and he doesn't know where as he was expecting her. He will ring my phone 10 times or more, after being told 'nope, you were told X can't take you, we also can't take you, watch tv and have a beer from the fridge'.

Then he leaves voice mail messages about how he is going to kill himself, how his life is so miserable (in his gorgeous country property with gardens he can sit out in, his tv, his DAB radio with a choice of pre-recorded playlists of old favourites as well, a veritable library of books he has forgotten reading, a pile of jigsaws....) there is nothing to do...

Basically he wants someone round there all the time to follow about, yak at (not listen to, never ever that, if you try to tell him something about your life he'll just tell you he isn't interested), and entertain him. Since spending several months in hospital he also seems to think he doesn't have to put his cup in the dishwasher or get things from the fridge himself, which he is perfectly capable of doing.

And the best thing through the bloody heatwave, is him ringing to say he is SOOOOOO HOT and he may die of it... and then you find out he's lit the fucking logburner in the livingroom that will heat the main part of the house to 'core of the sun' temps the way he's stoked it, without going outside to find out if its actually hot (its a very cool house naturally, if it needs warming in summer just open a couple of windows and doors!).

We've tried jamming the door shut - he went and got a crowbar. We stuck a note on it asking him to go outside first - he put that in the fire and burnt it. We stopped putting firewood in the conservatory and started leaving it in the cowshed, so he has to walk outside to get it - he does and fetches a barrow full...

UGH! He is only going to get worse and more miserable!