Manipulative mother

Firstly OP I’m sorry you’re going through this, My mother is the same and got so much worse after my father died in 2019. My sister and I realised how she had been setting us against each other for years! I have taken great comfort and advice from the lovely crew on the elderly parents and dementia boards. My mother plays up terribly if one of us goes on holiday. It’s horrible I’m sending positive vibes your way. I can’t recommend the John Bradshaw books enough. I had them ON AUDIBLE and listened when I was in the car.

For a long time my M would insist on visiting A&E of either me or my DSis were away.

So much that we’d have a bag packed ready for the visit if the other one was away.

Now we just don’t tell her we’re going and she’s not been to A&E in ages.

God op its difficult. My mum had all these ailments start when my sister was going on holidays..! You can only do so much. I did today other sister wed and me wend. When I get snots or tantrums I say Ive my own house to run aswell

Definately recommend John Bradshaw's books....

Wishing you strength OP.

I've been through family manipulation. My toxic sister is still at it! We're in our 70's FFS!

Family Secrets | John Bradshaw | 9780553374988 | Awesome Books

You definitely don’t need permission to put in boundaries and you’re not mean or heartless for wanting to. If she says that you’re extremely mean say pick up your things and go home. It’s taken a bloody long time for it to dawn on my M Thats this is what o do when she’s being awful, I just remove myself from the firing line and dont go back for a while. It did dawn eventually though (only took about 18 years).

Please seek the support of a counsellor and read the John Bradshaw book homecoming.
I've had years of this behaviour from my mother and in March this year I was considering suicide, I felt so trapped and depressed.
The guilt she had instilled into me all my life had taken over my life completely. I just couldn't say no to her. I couldn't set boundaries. When my father died 3 years ago she expected me to leave my husband in our home and move in with her. For the first time ever I said NO and boy have I known about it since. Tantrums if I didn't visit for at least 3 hours every day despite working full time.
No speaking episodes. Guilt tripping. Tears, threats of suicide. Crying fits. Phone calls at stupid o'clock about nonsense. Anything for attention and to manipulate me into getting what she wanted and to get me round there, yet she would do nothing to help herself. Alienated everyone around her with her nastiness. Refuses carers in, expects me to do everything despite me being ill myself.

Please take This advice on board. You aren't responsible for anyone's happiness, views or issues. They are. They must own them themselves. I was risking my own health to cater to a manipulative scheming person who has used every trick in the book to get her own way. It always worked with my Father you see....Your mother sounds like she's in constant victim mode. Go to her GP and ask for carers. Do not move in. Seek support. I'm glad I did, before I took my own life. It had escalated to me being her emotional punch bag.
Stay strong. You can overcome this. Please read the book.

You sound like you’re looking for permission not to be sucked into this latest round of manipulation.
trust yourself - you know her better than any of us based on years of experience. People like this don’t change. You have been kind so far in getting involved in hospital appointments etc but no of course you don’t have to be her permanent carer.
Sending strength

@RobJ1980 if you know what she is up to then you can be prepared for the inevitable. Sounds like she's trying to make you feel guilty into staying with her.