Manipulative mother

Sickly nice and then aggressive. I really know about that one.

I'm not nit-picking but hospital transport can't always be used. I tried to get my parent transport to their post stroke check-up (3mths afterwards and 20 miles) but because the chemo courses for cancer had been completed, he was not deemed eligible. Taxis were recommended for him.

My mother has alienated everyone that could possibly give two hoots including me and my sister. She's in a care home but still causing havoc with threats of assault by staff and police, and suicide threats.

I feel oddly disinterested after decades of this.

My DM has started creating on Fridays. I think it's because she's kicked off with every other resident in the place all week again, and the House Manager won't be there to hold them all off her over the weekend. My brother went away for a fortnight recently and within 24 hrs she'd kicked off with me as well. It's exhausting.

Awful middleage. They all about me me. Im tired from it all. Im glad my holiday is soon as you be run ragged. Re jobs I try get money upfront for them as life is expensive enough without paying for extras..!

You know that you’re being played somewhat; people can use hospital transport and be taken to and from hospital. If she requires care at home then she can pay for help so that you can visit to keep her company and have a role in oversight only.
the more you do then the more she will manipulate you to do.

My mum is terribly manipulative. She is 90
Wont talk about anything unless she brings up the subject. Basic questions like 'what have you eaten today' prompt lies and aggression towards me.
She needed her hair cut and lied about going to the hairdressers and then got aggressive with me when I said she hadnt been to the hairdressers.
Gets v angry with me, calling me names, shouting, swearing and then when I tell her I am taking her home (i take her out for lunch every Sun), changes her tact and starts telling me how much I mean to her. Never apologises
Wont pay me the money I spent on getting her a new boiler. Tells me she will pay my husband.
Sickly nice to me then gets aggressive.
Refused any carers
Told the GP she is fine
Refused help from SS
Refused the friendship links
Basically refuses everything and wont accept the whole burden falls on me.
Its exhausting and I have cancer. She told me to stop moaning as 'everyone gets cancer' when I said I was tired.
Puts the phone down on me
And this isnt all new behaviour. She has been like this most of my life.

Nightmare. Neighbour said hers same. They too much time on their hands too. Im run from one drama to next. Sigh

@Icecreamhelps You can disable voicemails. If you block someone they can still leave voicemails. I stopped all voicemails quite some time ago and it was one of the things that definitely helped!

You have my sympathy OP. My mother also has a personality disorder she uses guilt and manipulative tactics for attention. It has really affected my mental health as I get older. I very rarely talk to her now but she still rings me every day to leave voice messages about how much she misses me.

Where are these people coming from? What has happened to them to make them like this? There are so many.
Mine is the same. Life is a constant negotiation of containing her demands.

Ah its crap. I took her to park today short walk. Im putting boundaries in next week you could be 7 days on the road.. not nice as you say. This extra neediness kicked off when sister took holidays)

The reason she probably lets your DB contact the GP is that he sympathises and it’s useful that her.

Our M has a narrative that she’s very keen to tell other people and have them believe. So her narrative is that we are evil daughters who she did everything for. She was a wonderful mother and she struggles every day.

She won’t entertain anything that goes against this narrative and will use other people to berate us. So will have someone call us out in a public event saying that we haven’t seen her in weeks in front of everyone. I usually smile and say something like “I saw her yesterday and you know how difficult she is, don’t you?” and walk away.

It’s upsetting. And I shouldn’t have to defend myself in front of others but our childhood involved physical abuse, and emotional and physical neglect and I’m so over other people’s opinions. They did nothing to help when I was a vulnerable baby and child.

So I keep an eye on her, I make sure she has some support systems in place but I’m very clear on things like you have the cleaner or nothing, I have too much on to taken on an unpaid cleaning job. I only kept an eye on her though because my DF asked me too when he was dying. I don’t wish her ill but I’m not overly kern to step in and help her with things that could be done by other people.

@BunnyRuddington thank you for kind words. The reality is this is my mother - this is not a doddery little old lady with elderly issues. She has always been the same, difficult. One of my siblings decided a couple of years ago that she was ‘ill’. Took her to the GP and got her on an SSRI medication. Literally handed out after a short conversation. She is still taking it. She has done nothing to engage with anything to help alongside it. The medication has not helped in any way other than for her to become more bizarre in her demands.

Going out on a limb my other sibling and I have approached her GP as we have long held the belief she has (forgive my wording in advance if it is not up to date) something akin to bi-polar or a personality disorder. As kids and growing up into adulthood she was either manically OTT or down in the dumps. She has never been able to ‘cope’ with even minor life challenges yet when hyper she was an expert in everything.

It is so difficult as she will not allow my sister and I to have anything to do with her GP but will allow our DB who tends to sympathise with how awful she thinks her life is. He gave social services a very skewed view of how he helps her. I say skewed but I mean lied. One big mess but I am boundaries central at the moment as I am out of emotional energy. So many decent people being crippled by these people.

You are incredibly patient Bluex. I think my comments over most of these, but especially the goid would have been “ok so what are you planning on doing about it”? But then I’ve had to learn to put in boundaries for my own sanity

@BlueLegume the struggle is real, and seemingly never ending. I truly sympathise. I really hope that you can finally get the inner peace you deserve. Sending a huge hug your way. Xx ❤️

@lifeisgoodrightnow brilliant summary of my mother and her behaviour. Yes I will also be relieved when she is dead but that could be 15 to 20 years as she is in fine health simply incredibly difficult.

You could be my SIL. My MIL tried this nonsense when my FIL went into full time care for dementia. She expected my husband and his sister to move back and leave us ( me and DBil) in our homes with our dogs. She was genuinely shocked when we didn’t comply. The reality was she was lonely but she’d done everything over the years to abuse power and alienate people as they didn’t meet her standards. It was sad but it was on her - I honestly believe at some point in our lives we get to see how our own behaviour should be changed for next time around ( if there is one) and this was hers. She’s dead now. We are all relieved. Isn’t that awful ? We none of us have enjoyed this , I’ll look at that book it might give me some insight albeit it’s just hindsight now.

She was a masterclass in manipulation of others.

@OneVividJoker I am
increasingly realising that on the one hand I’m potentially outing myself but on the other hand am clearly just part of a community none of us want to be part of. I
am currently really struggling as I have realised how I feel is how I felt as a kid around my parents ridiculous behaviour. I am anxious, fretful, grumpy. Like a teenager again. I’ve taken to going to bed super early. I did that as a child/teen - she called me boring. In truth I just wanted to escape the toxic environment.

Same now.

Are you sure you haven't got my mother there BlueLegume?

Im lucky theres 3 us but its relentless. Demands wheelchairs at train stations. My husb said she be a fookin nightmare bring her away! Too much time on their hands too. Til my next drama lol

And yet another thread describing these dreadful parents and the impact they have on us. Fix something though and they will simply move the goalposts, in my experience. The lies to manipulate are off the scale.

Over the years I have had:
Broken toaster-bought a new one - realised the old one worked fine.
Microwave doesn’t work - demonstrated it worked fine - ah yes but only when you are here Blue.
Oven - ditto
Fire - ditto
Washing machine- ditto
Tumble dryer-ditto

Check in with a phone call - DM ‘I haven’t got any clothes to wear everything has fallen apart’ Drive over and clothes are still in drawer with labels on.

Food - filled freezer with lovely food - DM ‘Don’t like food from the freezer, oh and I only like a very specific brand of ready meal’. Cue having to drop food every 3 days.
Suggest a food delivery- won’t accept it.
Carers - won’t let them in.
Social services - told them she is fine and managing. Tells me she ‘can’t cope’.

Reality is she wants me/us to do everything for her and then she has someone to criticise as that frankly is how she has always operated.

As on other threads the only thing to do is step right back and wait for the crisis.

It is a horrible existence but sadly some of us have just got this in our lives.

Horace yep they very devious arent they. Then people say oh she your mum)

No you cant give in. Her back at her yesterday. Sister is away. I said ah you be fine doctor check it wed. There a mad panic as we all back working. Then her ailments start...... my husband said ignore it.

The holidays thing is awful isnt it? I had a massive row with mine last year after she had an imaginary emergency the day we left for holiday then tried to phone me on our last day to say Dad was about to die when he wasnt.

Op, there are quite a lot of us on here dealing with very similar characters. Put in boundaries, have therapy. Absolutely knock staying with her on the head for a while. Mine always sensed if I was giving an inch and tried to take several miles.

Your mother has a diagnosed personality disorder and manipulates you via her health. In that case, organise help for example a cleaner, taxi for appointments, a carer to help cook and perhaps a needs assessment with social services.

If she refuses all help, decide what help you're willing to give and stick to it. If she needs to go to hospital call an ambulance.