Is this an expected thing with aging or just my mother being my mother?

I think that as people age they can become more selfish. It's all about them and what they want. Then their world can become smaller because they have poor health and may not be able to drive or get public transport. Then their friends can be in the same position so they can't go places or do things that they all enjoyed even a few years previously.

One of my friends has a mother in her early 80's. A few years my friend suggested that she sell the big family home and move into a smaller home in the nearest town.
Her mother refused to do this. Her mother has a good pension and savings yet complains about the various bills she has to pay.

She has never helped my friend or another sibling out financially despite knowing that they could do with some money at times.

A few months ago my friends mother ended with a health issue and needed several weeks of care in her own home. My fiend is currently on benefits. She moved into her mother's house to care for her. Her siblings barely gave her a break then.
My friend is now planning to get a part job so they won't be available for 24.7 care later and be financially better off also.

Op agree with other posters you are giving it too much head space. Like asking a snake why it but you rather than just removing yourself from the snakes vicinity.

do what you want and I’d suggest you do the old trite “match her energy” approach.

get her out of your head. Just keep up pleasantries like you would with someone you met on the bus.

Ours is 80s. Can get anxious. Feel she bored alot too. Then starts scheming.. I think clubs good but she not into it. We visit where we can.

In my limited experience, as people age and decline, some of their less pleasant traits got stronger, and some of their softer aspects disappeared. Particularly when there was a long period of illness and chronic pain.

My mum is 80 and in the last year or 2 has become totally disinterested in anything or anyone other than herself. It's grating. I have no tips how to deal with difficult aging mothers as I don't think I am doing a good job of it! I express my irritation with her lack of conversation skills but I think I shouldn't and need to learn to keep my counsel and nod and smile along. Not my style! Plus I think I probably miss the woman I used to enjoy chatting to.

I would say though don't worry too much about the POA, I know everyone says how essential they are these days but remember the vast majority of them are never activated and the issues associated with not having one affect a tiny minority of people so chances are you will be ok without.

I think as PoA you are able to delegate to others. It’s just that the buck stops with you.

For example you could set up a card to her account for the other sibling or carers to use for shopping, should you want to.

It doesn’t come into play unless the person lacks capacity, so you wouldn’t really be doing it while your mum was able to manipulate you.

1. i believe dementia can make people suddenly completely lose interest in others. So it can be ageing, but really only those affected by dementia in such obvious cases.
2. You get the feeling she’s punishing you OP? The only way to deal with that I think is to find ways to emotionally disengage. If she deliberately walks off in the middle of a phone conversation and leaves you hanging, if done deliberately, that’s extremely rude behaviour. Do you ask her why? You could do it back to her, tit for tat, childish I know, but goose and gander. Give her the same excuse she gives you and laugh about it afterwards to yourself!.
3. If it’s part of a pattern you find difficult to deal generally with I think it’s best to distance yourself more. It’s hard I know but if she’s only early 70s you could have 2 decades of this. Keep conversations light, breezy, superficial and infrequent. See her less. And so on. An obvious example: speaking on the phone to a difficult person briefly once a week or less has much less impact than, for example, speaking to them every other day. Seeing such a person once a month or two is better than once a week, and so on.

Does she have form for being manipulative? Mine would make some comment about feeling a bit unwell, and there would be a whole underlying dynamic where she’d want that to trigger extra phone calls, visits and running around after her? I was “trained” to respond to that.

Then I started taking her literally so when she said she’d been admitted to hospital but “no need to worry about me” she was then surprised when none of us appeared at the hospital!

Only take on what you’re comfortable doing and have the time to do.

I sometimes feel mine is competing with my children for my attention. The difference being they’re primary-aged and rightly take priority!

I think that's pretty true. I'm in my late sixties and after a lifetime of looking after kids, husband, elderly parents, living through god knows how many difficulties and basically putting myself last, I'm pretty much done really. I'm also far more aware of my own mortality. You do start to contemplate how much time you have left and how your health will hold out when you realise you're approaching 70. I'm very far from unpleasant or rude, that's not my nature, but I no longer want to sit and listen to other people's problems for an hour let alone try to solve them. Conversely, I don't drone on and on about my own problems either. I've never done that, nor wanted to.

If you are not available it's not surprising she is prioritising friendships where presumably they are available. You can't have it both ways expecting her to prioritise you while you can't/don't prioritise her.**

Selfishness was definitely a factor with my MIL. When she was younger, you couldn't have a more caring/compassionate person, always doing things for others, buying little gifts, always asking about friends/family etc.

As she moved into her eighties, she lost all that, and became self obsessed. Even when OH told her he had incurable cancer, she barely batted an eyelid, never showed any interest about his treatments, never even asked how he was feeling. It was completely opposite to how she was a few years earlier. She even stopped sending birthday and christmas cards to her relatives, including her brothers with whom she'd been close all her life. She didn't want to go to her elder brother's funeral - just not interested at all.

Of course I don't know what you have in your life already.

But will it be more upsetting for you if your sibling does it rather than yourself?

Mostly it can be done online (paying utility bills for example).

I'd be very nervous about letting a publicly appointed person take over.

You'd have no control whatsoever.

As all my friends seem to be running around looking after grandchildren, and doing things to help their adult children, I really don't believe they are showing a different face to their families. Selfish is the very last thing they are.

There can be a difference between what friends see and what adult children see. Mine presents one image to friends (which now has gaps in as inconsistencies show up now her memory isn’t as good) but to AC (specifically adult daughter!) it’s very martyr complex, constant moaning and complaint and me me me me the whole time.

All you can control is your own reaction to situations. Never waste time wondering why someone is ‘like that’. MIL ties herself up in knots still wondering why my now dead FIL was the way he was. My answer is he was a bit of a cunt, how he got there is irrelevant. Even if someone had had a tough time so it’s not strictly their fault it’s all about their behaviour towards you.

As there is a pattern to her sulking and thanks for explaining then let her get on with it. Just do not react at all.

I would say it's her personality. I have friends the same age, and older, and they are not like that at all - nor was my mother, who died at 88. Early seventies is not particularly old these days.

I think the effort people make declines as they age and their true self shows more. It could be because their health is suffering so harder to keep up the facade or that they just do not give a shit or a bit of both.

Are you over thinking the chat messaging?