Think a care home is becoming inevitable for my DM

34 replies

nonevernotever · 12/07/2025 22:29

Going to be a long one afraid. She'll be 89 next month. She was always very fit and healthy until the first lockdown when she had a stroke that left her with a bit of weakness on her left side, lack of motivation/energy and she was diagnosed with mixed dementia a couple of years ago. She lives alone with carers visiting four times a day (only three times a day until her last hospital stay) to make food, help her take her medication and put her support stockings on and so on. She's just had a four week stay in hospital with a nasty bout of diverticulitis but has lost so much muscle mass and motivation that she's really wobbly even with a Zimmer . She can still shower herself but needs support to get there and is really struggling to dress/undress too. She's had an accident every day since she came home because she is struggling to get up from her chair without help. She fell down the stairs last weekend too. She won't let her carers help her shower or get dressed but wants me to help her the whole time. I'm currently spending an hour with her every morning getting her up, coming back mid afternoon to make sure she gets to the loo and then coming back to help her into her pyjamas. My sister is also more than pulling her weight and is the main person having to come down in the night if anything shows on the cameras, but we're both at the end of our tether and this clearly isn't sustainable.(Just in the last 7 weeks we've had three trips to a and e in an ambulance in addition to mum's hospital stay). We spoke to mum today about a care home on the grounds that we're not sure we will be able to keep her safe at home much longer (for example she wears a fall detector but when she fell down the stairs last week it didn't go off because she didn't fall from a height and she didn't think to press it, just lay in a crumpled heap on the stairs waiting for one of us to get there) and we 'd like her to still be able to enjoy the activities in the nursing home . She agreed immediately, but has looked so sad ever since that were feeling really guilty now, even though we know it's probably the solution. She has enough to fund 6-7 years in the good local home that she previously said was the one she wanted to go into if it came to it (she used to visit others in care homes all over our city, so knew most of them well) though it isn't on the council list. I don't even know what I'm looking for from this post. A hand hold? Validation? Or just practical advice on how to go about making the arrangements and helping mum to settle in and be happy when it will mean shedding most of her possessions, losing more independence and her cats having to come and live with us.

OP posts:

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 13/07/2025 21:44

I know all too well the horrible feelings of guilt, but the fact is, there may often come a point where someone needs 24/7 care - by which I mean someone on hand ALL day, ALL night, 365 days a year - which just isn’t feasible in a normal family setting.

And it does sound as if you’ve certainly reached that stage.

Original poster

nonevernotever · 13/07/2025 21:29

Some really helpful points made here by everyone, thank you. @businessflop25 thank you for the alternative perspective too. In our defence She has had several assessments from occupational therapists over the years with another arranged for next week. I've also booked a private physio to come to the house for rehab. Until then we , and her carers, are bullying (in our case) or cajoling (the carers) her into doing as much as she can for herself. Unfortunately while she already has many of the adjustments you mention and which I think have contributed to her being able to stay there as long as she has, some just are not possible in her house. There are 10 steps up and down to negotiate between the front gate and her front door. The back gate is better - there are only four steps there. There are 18 stairs up to her bedroom. That has an ensuite with a double shower and a shower seat, but even then there's still a step over the sill. The Zimmer itself would be fine if she used it properly, but you have to remind her to do that . She's a furniture surfer - on her good days she abandons the Zimmer or swings on it with just one hand. On her bad days she can end up leaning forward at an impossible angle because she's forgotten to move her feet to keep pace with the Zimmer. I think she would struggle to learn how to use a mobility scooter too even if the layout of her house would permit it and in any case there are just too many twists and turns. Today was a very good day , and on her second trip upstairs (the first was because she'd had an accident, ignored the spare pants etc we'd left in her eyeline in the downstairs loo for just such occasions and went upstairs to change) with me walking directly behind her she did all but the last stair impeccably, and then her legs buckled on the top stair and she swayed backwards with me catching her. She's stubborn and always used to be fiercely independent so she doesn't remember to wait for someone to be there. With the best will in the world we can't be there all the time. I'm under no illusions about care homes being some wonderful haven either, but it's a heck of a lot easier because mum has spent so much time over the last thirty years visiting people in nursing homes. Up until her stroke in 2020 she was still visiting half a dozen different people every week. She gave us a very short list of homes to consider and a much longer list of her requirements. The top rated home on her list does also push residents to do things for themselves, is no more than ten minutes from both me and my sister and no more than 20 minutes for her friends. Because most of her assets are her house, while a live in carer would be a great option, it's only affordable for a year or so. Where we are the cost at £1890 per week on average for a sole live in carer is almost as much as the care home and she would still have to pay to maintain her house. So if she's going to have to move, I'd rather it was while she still has a chance of enjoying the activities (and the on-site cinema) and so we can spend time with her every day that isn't just about nagging her to eat, wash, get dressed etc.

OP posts:

catofglory · 13/07/2025 19:51

Please don't use terms like 'shoving her in a home'. No family member wants to have to make the decision to move their loved one to a care home but it can sometimes be the right option. I did not experience any of the issues you mention with my mother's care home.

They actively encouraged the residents to do everything they could for themselves and only intervened when necessary. My mother was very happy there and did not deteriorate quickly, she lived a lot longer than I expected - seven years.

I agree a lot can be done to help elderly people stay at home, but there can come a point when help is needed 24/7. At that point unless there is a live-in carer, whether family or professional, a care home is the answer.

businessflop25 · 13/07/2025 18:34

I’m going to go against the grain on this one. I don’t agree that a care home is her only option. I think you’re kidding yourself that they are nicer and safer than they are.
I have worked in the care sector for over 15 years and have seen the realities of these places. I now work in community based care - for good reason.

You need to get to the bottom of what is worrying her with regards showering with the carers and stress to her that you or your sister helping her is not an option. She needs to accept the carers help. Remind her that if she was in a care home this would be the situation. If she is prepared to accept it in a care home then why is she not accepting it at home.
You need to get her an occupational therapist in to assess her and to advise her on safe practical changes to be made in the house to reduce the number of falls. No rugs, no steps, nothing to trip over, no unnecessary furniture. Hand rails where needed. Get her a different zimmer frame if the one she has isn’t secure enough for her. Or a wheelchair or small mobility scooter in the house. All these things a private OT will be able to assist with and at a lower price point than shoving her in a home.
Get her an appointment with the incontinence team from her GP practice.
In a care home she will likely decline quickly. Out of efficiency everything will be done for her. Which initially she may like. But it isn’t good for people. The saying use if of loose it is very very true. Care homes end up deskilling people. Instead look at ways of safely enabling her.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 13/07/2025 18:16

Don't feel guilty. You've looked after her so well for ages.

catofglory · 13/07/2025 18:14

It is the best solution, and your mother has agreed - which is very unusual. So you are not contradicting her wishes, and you also know which care home she'd like to move to. It is very sensible and thoughtful of her to have talked about that in advance.

In practical terms, call the manager of the care home and ask to go round and meet her to talk about your mother's needs. Then you will need a second meeting for the manager to assess your mother, you can either take her in or the manager may visit.

The care home will be set up for her needs with mobility aids and carers on hand 24/7, so they will be able to keep her safe. Realistically her remaining independence means falling down stairs and having accidents, which isn't the kind of independence anyone would want.

You don't need to discuss getting rid of her things, that isn't urgent. Just reassure her about the cats. As others have said, you may be able to take your mum to your house to see them, if she is mobile enough.

HiddenRiver · 13/07/2025 15:05

aw it is difficult OP but it could all work out and it’s all done out of love and care for your mum. I am sure you have done so but just reassure her about the cats - you can always have mum round your homes to see the cats again for family occasions so she can see them and know they are safe and she will be looked after in the Carehome and it may well improve her well being as well as safeguarding her.

It’s the only solution and she may well enjoy it and feel settled once there. Good Luck.

TomatoWildFlowers · 12/07/2025 22:47

It is sad. But it's the only solution. Your mum can see this logically, but it's still upsetting that it's now reality. Don't feel guilty, it'll happen to us too in our time.

Talk about the things that are important to her she can take with her, talk about her being able to visit you (and her cats), talk about you having more energy and drive to be able to take her out to places/shops/cafes. Acknowledge that it's shit and find something hopeful

Myhusbandisawankerinthewoods · 12/07/2025 22:41

Ohhh, it is sad when it gets to this stage but you have to do it to keep her safe.

At least she seems amenable; quite often the elderly person isn't in agreement, which can be very stressful for all concerned.

I hope it all goes smoothly.

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