Think a care home is becoming inevitable for my DM

I wouldn't do this. Moving will take a huge toll, and you would potentially have to move her AGAIN in a year or so, to a proper nursing home.

When my Mum died my Dad said he wanted to move to a retirement village. He was 78 at the time. We made this happen for him. It was quite horrendous, as we had to empty his house of 40 years worth of "stuff". Anyway, he was good there for a while, but now, at 83, he is immobile and sometimes incontinent, so it looks like we may have to move him again to a proper nursing home. Gah!

Just as a small warning, do not be surprised if you see a certain amount of decline in your DM when she goes into a care home. The change of environment, change of the people around her will remove a lot of her coping strategies. Even if she takes a number of her own possessions with her they will be in different places, lighting will be different etc.

Some things we have found useful for DM (in no particular order):

• dementia clock
• stick ins labels - I label everything
• book ends if there isnt a bookcase
• clothes which can withstand the laundry (clothes are laundered at 60 degrees at DM's home)
• vases
• an electric fan
• soft furnishings to personalise the room

To add. It sounds like the only next step to keep her home is increase in care at home up to live in care. It also sounds like she might need to have an adapted bathroom or stair lift which I suspect would be needed for a live in carer to manage. That’s £10k as a ball park. You might buy her a bit more time but might not.
we went from short visits from local authority care via a hospital admission to privately funded live in care (upwards of £1100 per week) through an excelled nationwide agency.
Don’t feel any guilt at all, at the moment it sounds like your mum has capacity so this is all irrelevant if she won’t agree to it. Ensure POA etc all in place while she has capacity. We don’t and it makes life incredibly difficult and only manageable as I have access to her bank account as an extra signatory.

Head on over to Cockroach Cafe, judgment free forum and so much good advice from people going through this. It’s been invaluable to me.

No, my DM's claim for attendance allowance was approved a couple of weeks ago, since she moved into her care home.

It isn't huge, around £110 per week at top rate.

If your DM is self funding then it is between you/her and the care home. Nobody else gets a say in it.

Give them a call and arrange a visit. Obviously all depends on whether they have space. The care home will want to assess your DM's needs. They may want to speak with her GP.

With my DM, the hospital just wanted her gone. We could have been moving her into a skip, I don't think they would have cared so long as she was off their books.

The care home may prefer/insist that residents use a specific GP.

If you are self funding, which you are, you don’t need social services or even GP involvement at this stage as this is a private arrangement. Unless the home you pick is very close to her current house she will likely move to the GP that covers the home.

Once we had found a place the home sent out an assessor the next day. I think mainly to make sure we hadn’t been minimising his care needs. DF was then transported in the day after that.

unless there is an existing financial advisor or her finances are particularly complex you don’t necessarily need one.

As a self funder you can normally continue to get Attendance Allowance whilst in a home. DF was already getting at the higher level.

Does she already get attendance allowance? She may well be able to get the higher rate when she goes into a care home.

Good care homes do exist, and they’re not necessarily the most expensive, either. Speaking from experience of 4 elderly relatives here - my Dm, FiL, an aunt, and an aunt of dh.
All very well cared for, and my DM lasted very nearly 8 years in hers, until she died at 97.

I will add that we did in each case look at quite a few before choosing, though.

When I think of my DM's care home compared to her own home there are so many things which make my DM's life better than it would otherwise be:

• her room is set up for someone with severe mobility issues: space, hospital style adjustable bed.
• her shower room has sufficient space plus a high seat toilet so DM can be assisted
• the care home has a range of assistance aids so that DM can be safely moved between bed and wheelchair. The staff are trained to use these safely.
• furniture is designed for people who have mobility issues: sturdy, good height
• staff are trained and respect that residents have a choice and are facilitated to make choices.

Something I do appreciate with my DM's home is that care is centred on the residents. Sometimes family expect care to take a particular form, the care home prioritises resident needs over family wants.

This last one is especially relevant to me, I have a family member who wants to control all aspects of DM's care without always really having the knowledge to back this up.

I’ve been through the move to care home with multiple grandparents and parents. It is sad and hard but in all cases, it hundred percent was the right choice. They eat better, get their hair done regularly, have some company. My grandmother in particular had a new lease of life. You can’t keep doing what you’re doing now, you’ll break under the strain and also she’s just not safe at home.

OP I looked into a live-in carer for my mother too, and came to the same decision in terms of costs. And I didn't think staying home any longer was in her best interests anyway. I agree with the posters who say their relative would have died considerably earlier if left at home.

As you say, there comes a point when mobility aids are little use because the person cannot or will not use them, and they can't safely be left alone.

It is sad when the person's health and mobility declines to the extent they need a care home environment, but it can be a positive option and your mother has even selected the one she wants, so you're following her wishes.

Remember, pre dementia, it’s very unlikely your DM would want you to be living like this in the prime of your life. It’s certainly not a sacrifice I’d like my children to make with jobs, lives, families and opportunities of their own.
I agree it’s CH time. No better use of their assets at this stage.

A care home literally saved my mums life. She was there 5 years until 94 years old. She was very happy. She thought it was her own home.

I had to move DFather into a care home. He had carers 3 times a day but was bouncing in and out of hospital with falls and infections getting increasingly frail. He was also reluctant to engage with carers helping with personal care. I could see this was going to end with him dead lying on the floor overnight having fallen or an infection carrying him off.

Since going into residential care he has not been in hospital overnight once. He has some falls, mainly because he is stubborn and doesn’t want to use aids, but most the home can handle most and he has only had an ambulance called once when he cut his head and was taken in for an x ray of wrist.

I honestly think he would be dead by now if he had clung on at home. He has a decent quality of life, gets fed a variety of decent foods, has entertainment options and other people to talk to when he wants to.

Do speak to the homes you are interested in and visit, they won’t necessarily have space immediately but the nature of the environment is spaces will come up without notice. Full on charm offensive if there is a lack of places so they call you first as soon as a space appears - you have to move quickly.

do you have POA? If not strongly recommend putting in place if she still has capacity, it makes things 100 times easier.

This isn’t my experience of elderly relative in CH either. Went in (their choice) relatively early, before carers needed, but requiring more than cleaner, gardener and meal deliveries. They were at the stage when being at home was becoming overwhelming, and keeping on top of maintenance causing anxiety. They were very vulnerable to scammers/doorstep callers too. No falls by that point but it was only a matter of time.

CH incredibly positive and gave them a whole new lease of life. They were encouraged to maintain independence and the freedom from worry and the better diet compared to the frozen meals meant they really flourished for the first five years. Made new friends, got involved in activities that interested them. I think the companionship
helped - very miserable sitting eating microwave meals on your own all the time. They have now deteriorated (dementia) and need carer help but that’s eight years on from the initial move into a care home.

How about selling the house and moving her to warden controlled with 4 x care a day?

That's not a good idea. Someone with dementia will inevitably deteriorate, and require 24 hour care. They also never settle in a new house. It's hard enough for them in their old house, where they supposedly know the location of everything. Moving them to a house where they're essentially lost is going to make them even more confused.

My DM (86) moved to a care home from hospital after a fall which resulted in a hip fracture.

Absolutely no regrets. There was no feasible alternative.

A good care home is set up to care for elderly residents. Corridors wide enough, step free shower rooms etc etc.

The staff helping DM know how to safely use the different aids which DM needs to move between bed and wheelchair. They do this far better than hospital staff did.

You honestly sound as though you’ve done as much as you can to keep her in her own home for as long as possible. Moving your mum into a home at this stage will hopefully do two things: 1. Ensure she’s safe and well cared for 24/7 and 2. Release you from the constant worry/anxiety of ‘what’s going to happen today’.

When you’re caring for someone at home, you end up putting your whole life on hold and yes that’s a choice many make out of love but it’s also a very, very tough way to live. If the home is one your mum liked the look of (in years gone by) and you’re confident they’ll look after her, then it makes sense to do this now. You can visit whenever you want, help her room to look like ‘home’ and you get the additional benefit of being able to put down some of the crushing mental strain.

Her house isn't suitable for her any longer

How about selling the house and moving her to warden controlled with 4 x care a day?

We tried Dad at home after a nasty fall and hospital stay but he (at 91) just couldn't cope with the stairs/steps/uneven slabs etc

You may be able to take the cats to visit. I take mine to visit a friend in a home.

You really, really need not feel guilty @nonevernotever

Your mother needs to be somewhere safe. If you hadn't caught her today, she'd have fallen down the stairs and possibly died.

Please, there is no need at all to try to justify your decision on this thread. Or to anyone in real life. You've done your very best, and it's time your mum was in a place of safety, where she'll get her meals, her medication, and as much help as she needs.