Possibly relationships- but definitely because of Elderly parents

the weight of responsibility I have been saddled with
the mess my parents have saddled me with

This is what you need therapy to help you with. I recognise your words in those of my own SIL, who is struggling with what she sees as her obligations to FIL and her marriage is feeling the strain because her DH is fed up constantly getting this grumpy, put-upon, exhausted version of her. and FIL is nothing like as unpleasant as your mum, he's mostly thoughtless and unwilling to help himself, expecting her to do it all.

Think about how you are framing this: like you are a horse or some other compliant beast of burden, and your parents are - against your will - fixing a saddle of responsibility on your back. Why not step to the side? Shrug it off? Move (literally and physically) far enough away that they cannot fix it on you?

At its core, it's something that other people are doing to you, and you seem unable to prevent them, you are choosing to stand still and let it be done to you: why? Therapy should help you answer that, and find tools to stop accepting this.

And I'm sorry to say this, but when my SIL gets all self-pitying and woeful about the situation - but won't do anything to change it - it's really hard not to get very impatient and snappy with her. I imagine that's where your DH is, but even more so as he's having to live with it.

My mother refuses any external help even to the point ASC have had to abandon any input. She simply thinks her adult children should muck in. Well tough shit, frankly What she thinks doesn't (shouldn't) make your decisions for you. Her thoughts are not rules by which you have to live.

OP, you know that your mother is unreasonable and this cannot go on. There is a thread around about a woman whose partner keeps promising to move house to a better area and her partner finally said he couldn't leave due his very elderly mother. The MN collective called him a Mummy's Boy etc etc. They all told the poster to leave him.
Your mother is completely unreasonable. She is making you impossible to live with. You have to leave her to cope completely on her own for a couple of weeks so that she (and you) recognise that she needs external carers. You know that you are not doing her ant favours or yourself in the long run.
My husband and I are through the horrible stage of coping with elderly parents. The difference was that I completely shared his burden so that he felt supported and he in turn was wonderful to my widowed mother. We both felt much closer to each other because of it.
We played the 'just for a few weeks' in the Care Home until they forgot why they were there, with his parents.

My only regret was that we did not move them to a local to us Care Home . We live in London so much more expensive. We found short, frequent visits to them the most helpful to everyone. A shared burden etc. Our kids were also good about occasional visits and facetime ( we needed to be with them for this).
Good Luck and remember you potentially have many more years with your husband than your mother.

I'm the partner in your scenario and while DH's mum is nowhere near as bad as yours @BlueLegume she is selfish, lazy and manipulative. I get so frustrated with DH when he won't put boundaries in place and he does not recognise the manipulation (hes ok on the other two!) Add in a useless BIL and there are times when I've thought I don't want this in my life. It's usually fleeting and I don't want to make life worse for DH. If I critise MIL too much he does shut down on me and I have to remember she is his mother and that is a relationship I'm not in.

I think the only thing to do is talk to your DH and try to put your relationship with him above that with your parents. That doesn't mean he can say cruel things to you though. You are doing your best in a horrible situation. Sending

I cant help with the elderly parent issue (although fear we will head that way ourselves shortly), but if you’re looking for a private counsellor, I recommend this website https://www.bacp.co.uk/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=BrandUK&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=14852386494&gbraid=0AAAAAoLPPY_YuEp0_J_koBAveY6aY0TjR&gclid=Cj0KCQjwss3DBhC3ARIsALdgYxM4Z12h-Npxdnj6l0haPTtuHHsSkUrqULjk_a9H3C5lQMbQuN6AYkkaAmGQEALw_wcB.

You need to get to the bottom of him saying that. Heat of the moment? Or longer term/bigger thing?

Have you talked to him previously about why you’re doing what you’re doing. Saying you need to get your parents sorted before you can move (has this been going on for years?) or saying you’ll do it in x timeframe but then it never happens? When did you last have a conversation with him that wasn’t about your parents?

What does he do - is he working, spending time with own parents, running around after your children without you, waiting for you to be available so you can do something together?

Oh @BlueLegume am sorry to hear this. In what context was this said? Was it heat of the moment or has it been brewing for a while? Are you getting any counselling support at the moment?

Is DH normally quite accepting of the situation or are you constantly pulled in two directions, one to your parents the other the DH?

I think taking the very brave step of disentangle yourself from your parents is a huge step and I know when I did it I found a counsellor extremely helpful to support me as I processed it all. Am back with a counsellor now as we work through the final stages of Ms life. But I am aware that on both occasions I haven't been very easy to live with.

Have you discussed this specific statement with DH to understand what he meant by it and explained how it made you feel? That seems to me an important step. Listening to understand is often hard but vital.

I doubt you have let him down entirely, but I do think you need to get a support network round you that isn't family for a bit while you work out how you feel about it all. This is clearly distressing you given your earlier posts and threads and that independent person is vital to give you some space to vent, cry and reorder your thoughts to face another day.