Possibly relationships- but definitely because of Elderly parents

And that will in turn help with issues with your other half as you are doing the thing rather than talking about it, promising him and then getting sucked back in.

its a choice isn’t it, a really impossible one when you are mired in it but nothing will actually happen to you if you step away, it’s all internal thoughts and feelings we try to avoid.

@Mischance the problem is BL's mum is going out her way to invent situations to be assisted with, and then normally insists only her family could possibly help her with them, not someone she's paid to assist. If he steps up to help then it will only feed into the situation.

@BlueLegume Even if the house move is going to take a while, can you go off on holiday for a bit and not tell your DM? Holidays set mine off, the final nail in the coffin was her trying to contact me repeatedly about imaginary health issues when I was away.

@Mischance problem is her mum wants the assistance but doesn't need it by the sounds of it. To be fair in her husbands shoes then l wouldn't be sacrificing my precious time and effort on someone who basically can't be bothered doing it for themselves. Then shoots down all suggestions to instead try to control someone else to do it

Sadly parents are like children, there is only so much you can do before letting them just get on with it. You describe it as an impossible situation but it isn't. If you and your sibling were not around what would she do? She is trying to force your hand, don't let her.

What you need to do is dedicate 5 minutes of time to yourself. Don't think about about what anybody else wants. What do you want? If no one was making any demands on you, where would you be? Would it be in a house nearer to your own children? Then start making moves to do that. No doubt your children are also frustrated by your capitulation to your Mother's demands.

Get on Rightmove and look, see what is out there. Start planning and looking ahead. You need to put yourself, your husband and your children first.

It does sound like taking some real steps to make your move closer to your children would be a good idea.

It will put distance between yourself and your parents. I find 2-3 hours away is quite good!

Think of the amazing new life you could be having. Do you know which area you want to be in and what sort of house you’d be able to afford there?

You all need to just stop doing what you’re doing and force her hand.

Is he not sharing that responsibility? If he's fed up with your weight of responsibility he should be helping you.

I agree with most of this, but we do have a responsibility to our elderly parents. They brought us up and made sacrifices for us. It’s the circle of life that we should try and help them as much as we can , but without this being massively detrimental to our own health and well being and marriages. The exception to this is if our parent has always been unkind or abusive and done nothing for us. I want to move hundreds of miles away to be closer to my adult children and my grandchildren, leaving my mother unsupported. I have got the stage though where I can’t bear to be in the same room as her or hear her voice. She’s spiteful and unpleasant. Will put on the nice act for a few months and then it all falls apart again. It’s destroying me. Don’t let your mother ruin your life and put yourself first.

I haven't seen your previous posts but from this thread alone you said "we planned to move very much further away to be near our own kids" so you are missing out on your own children's lives because you cannot stay strong on enforcing your boundaries.

What if, your Dh leaves you this month, moves closer to your children and continues to WFH near them and you end up moving closer to your parents to deal with them and spend the next 10 - 15 years doing that? All the while missing out on spending time with your children and whatever they are doing and destroying your marriage in the process.

Your priority should always be your Dh and your children. You are choosing to be "saddled" with responsibility. You can walk away. No one is holding a gun to your head. My own Mother told us we were never to become her carer because it would have such an impact on our marriages, our children and she never wanted that for us. She gave us permission to do that, you need to give yourself permission to turn into your marriage and remember who you made your vows to. The phrase "forsaking all others" isn't just romantic partners, it has a wider meaning, to prioritise your spouse and your relationship with them.

I’m really sorry to hear that - so use the thread (I can’t find it!) to help you stay firm. Your mother is clearly an expert at drawing you back in but your husband and family have GOT to be a priority. Access the support on here. Say what she’s doing and listen to the chorus of people telling you to stick to your guns. You’re not an only child! She’s a cow! You love your husband! She is going to ruin your marriage! You will be single and exhausted and she will die happily knowing she really fucked your life.

Unfortunately elderly DPs who refuse to accept the reality of their situation, push us to our limits. My DPs are not bad people but have no thought to the impact on me of their refusal to get in necessary help. I have said things about them over the past few months that I am not proud of, but equally I wouldn’t take back because they are true. It’s a battle for survival and I am not going to sacrifice my independence for theirs.

It must be hard for your DH sitting on the sidelines hearing all your bitterness. It’s so easy to think about the right thing to do when you are not in the crossfire.

I would message him if it’s difficult to talk. Tell him you love him and your marriage is the most important thing in the world to you and what do you need to do to move forward. In truth it can’t just be you that’s caused the issues, but listening and understanding right now will move things forward more than justifying.

I may be misremembering but didn’t you start a thread where you had enforced boundaries and were stepping away from your horrible manipulative mother specifically because of your marriage? Have you been lured back in? You were determined not to be!

I may have misunderstood the context, is he saying you are unpleasant because of your attitude to your parents, or because you are miserable and hard to be around because of your parents?

Can you schedule yourself a holiday/sick leave, as in ‘Mum I’m not available for two weeks. I’ll be out of contact, my phone won’t work. I’ve been told I must have absolute rest.’

We’ll Happily tell you that you must have absolute rest or you will get ill!

I’m so sorry. I have had to put some boundaries in with EM. She’s a pain in the arse and like a PP, has never inconvenienced herself in her life. I hope you and he can find a way through together. 💐

Hope you're ok @BlueLegume and have talked over things with your husband.

Would doing more solid things around moving help, like looking at houses etc? It sounds as if you really need to go but also it will be a bit like ripping off a plaster.

This. You need to spend time on you and DH. The BACP link above is great and you can search by postcode. I recommend face to face counselling if you can. Get yourself away from the situation and do a brain dump once a week/fortnight/month/as needed. You owe it to yourself and DH, and your lovely children. They need you. Whole, well and knowing that you are loved. Start thinking of your future.

I don’t know why so many women feel this responsibility to be the sole support for their parents. Most men don’t feel this way. I have a manipulative unpleasant mother too. Happy for me to wear myself out doing her admin etc but behaves like an utter bitch. I am moving away next year. She’s never inconvenienced herself for me once in my adult life and rarely in my childhood. Why should I prioritise her now? Ask yourself the same question. Put yourself first.

It’s not any easy situation. I was lucky to get some free and very good counselling from the carers association local to my mother . There should be one in most areas.

I think that that best way to make amends is by taking firm action, as others have suggested.

1. If your mother won’t accept help, walk away for a set period of time to hopefully show her that she cannot cope without help and you are not going to provide the support.
2. Book sessions with a counsellor/psychotherapist