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Original poster

Help me make a hard decision - let son see GF or not?

32 replies

DaysofHoney · 08/07/2025 13:11

My poor dad is fast approaching end of life, I think. He’s post stage 4 cancer treatment (jaw/sinus) and he is ravaged.

He has had a very close relationship with my son, 11.5trs old, and DS very much wants to see his grandfather (we live overseas and on our last visit in March we spent the day with him and were able to communicate - the deterioration is huge). For context, DS is very aware of his condition, the cancer, the surgery he had, even came to a couple of radiotherapy visits and has seen him in hospital before too. But this current picture is very different. He is a shell.

DF looks gaunt, he’s bed bound, he cannot speak (surgery and radiotherapy have left him non verbal though he tries/mumbles), he has a horrendous eye infection which has left one side of his face red, sunken, and it’s all rather ghoulish.

My DS is a mature but sensitive boy, he adores his GF, and I do not know what to do for the best - let him see his GF or shelter him from the grim reality? I don’t want to traumatise him in either way, by allowing him to come or not allowing it. I’m stumped and would appreciate any advice anyone has.

thanks so much

OP posts:
Wemdubz · 08/07/2025 14:42

I completely understand your dilemma. It’s not quite the same but I remember visiting my mum in hospital when I was a child. I was younger than your son but remember being frightened (she had had a serious throat operation including tracheostomy and couldn’t speak). I wish the adults had prepared me better for what I was going to see.

I think if you decide to have your son visit his GF (and I can understand why you and he might want him to), just to prepare him with honesty for how it will be and let him know that his GF can hear him, even if he can’t communicate. Such a difficult time for you ❤️

Original poster
DaysofHoney · 08/07/2025 14:36

Thank you all for your swift replies and for your advice which is so appreciated. I wasn’t close to my grandparents and they passed when I was very young so I have no experience to draw on here.

The mother in me would want to shelter him but in my heart I wonder whether not seeing him would make things worse (would he imagine something worse, feel so very sad that he didn’t get chance to say goodbye or that we kept that from him)?

OP posts:
Crikeyisthatthetime · 08/07/2025 14:16

I think this is one of the few cases where I would bend the truth. Tell him your DF is very ill now and the hospital are only allowing adult next of kin to visit. The idea of your son recording a message for him is a lovely one (or making and writing a card?)

ginasevern · 08/07/2025 13:57

I would personally dissuade him from seeing his GF like this. The gaunt, dying image will be your son's abiding memory of him and will have a lasting impact on many levels. I was persuaded not to see my dad for similar reasons, although I had visited him before he got to the worst stage. I was 14 at the time and didn't understand but now I'm grateful that the adults around me made that decision.

Wemdubz · 08/07/2025 13:52

Sorry to hear that your dad is approaching end of life. What a tough decision OP. Have you shared the full reality with your son or does he think his GF is the same as last time he saw him (I know you’ve kept him in the picture but how much)?

olympicsrock · 08/07/2025 13:32

I would honestly shelter him from this. I’m a medic so a realist and I don’t think this is a good memory for your son.

Perhaps he could read something/ do a video message for your father delivered by someone who could feed back that GF loved it.

Maybe tell your son that GF is exhausted by visitors but loves him very much.

Karatema · 08/07/2025 13:23

I didn’t want to read and run 💐
Only you know how your DS will cope.
I went to see my dear uncle, in hospital, when I was 11/12, he had cancer. It affected me for many years and meant I was unable to visit my GF in hospital when I should have. It took me until my FiL was having treatment and I was the only one available, in my 40s, to get over this.
Everyone is different.