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Elderly parents
Original poster

Go part-time to look after parents more?

61 replies

Wemdubz · 07/07/2025 08:52

I’m sure there will have been threads asking similar questions before but I’ve searched and am struggling to find them. I’m posting for the views of people who’ve been where I am and are able to look at my situation more clearly than I am. I’m all over the place.

My dad (85) had a stroke a couple of years ago and my mum (81) is main carer. My sibling who has early onset dementia also lives with them. I am due to start a new job soon (4 days a week compressed hours) but am now seriously questioning whether I can or should.

Dad is deteriorating and I think he possibly now is showing signs of dementia and is increasingly non-responsive and unable to bear his weight making it very difficult to move him.

A carer comes in the morning to get him up and shower him (self funded). Mum has managed so well at night and during the day but it’s getting harder and harder as dad doesn’t respond to instructions and sometimes appears like he’s in a trance. She would not entertain the idea of a home. I am now going at night to help get him into bed. I also go for the day on my days off.

I am considering not starting the new job as 1) I don’t feel like my mind would be on it and that I will struggle to focus on the training snd give it my all 2) I feel like I should be there for mum and dad as I’m worried mum will make herself ill and then I don’t know what the hell would happen.

I have a mortgage to pay and really need a full time wage but really want to be there for my family. I am also becoming very aware that my sibling’s needs are ever increasing and that this will be an added pressure soon. I feel a bit overwhelmed as I am the only one to deal with it. I’ve no other siblings and have no partner.

Has anyone given up full time work for part time to be there more and actually made it work? I don’t think I’d get much in the way of benefits but I’m thinking of trying. I’m worried if I come out of work I’ll never get back into a job and then be in financial trouble (I’m 54). I keep running through my income and outgoings to try and make it work. I could access a very small private pension to top up my income but still will have a shortfall I think.

I guess what I am asking is whether anyone else has done this and either regretted it due to the financial struggle or has done it and felt more at peace by being there to help. Thanks for reading. I’ve got some big decisions to make and feel constantly anxious going over it all in my head 😔

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 07/07/2025 09:33

Please don’t.
Are you in touch with Age UK and the Alzheimer’s Society? Lots of excellent advice and pointers to services, Memory Clubs etc.

Don’t put your house at risk.

Original poster
Wemdubz · 07/07/2025 09:30

@Craftycorvid Hi, dad has attendance allowance and sibling has PIP. These do help. Thanks for sharing, I agree it’s relentless!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wemdubz · 07/07/2025 09:28

Thanks all. I agree I can increase my contribution by doing more organising. I do some of this already by dealing with their bills, online shop, admin etc.

I think I just panic a lot as the only child who has the capability to support them. I can’t see the wood for the trees at the moment so everyone’s objectivity is helping.

@MadameCholetsDirtySecret live in carers wouldn’t be a possibility but thanks for the suggestion.

OP posts:
Craftycorvid · 07/07/2025 09:27

I’m so sorry you are in such a difficult place. You seem to be taking everything on single-handed. I agree with pp that ceasing work is a bad long-term idea as it may not be easy to get back into the workplace in the future. I’m caring for my partner who had a stroke two years ago. I’m fortunate in that I’m self-employed and can work around caring, but it’s still relentless. Do your parents have attendance allowance and other benefits in place? Does your brother have any kind of financial package? Care support makes a difference but it can take a while to get to know support workers and find reliable people.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 07/07/2025 09:20

Could you look at live in carers?

myplace · 07/07/2025 09:18

Your life will continue long after your parents’ care needs end- you need to plan for that.

Your contribution should be persevering in helping them buy in services that support them. Maybe the night carers don’t work- or maybe your mum needs to be more flexible about how it works. It isn’t cost effective to pay for only the care you need in the moment you need it. You are part of a system to keep costs down and that means compromise.

That doesn’t mean you don’t explore all the options and see what other solutions there could be. It does mean that you will likely need to be flexible and adjust some habits to fit in with what’s available.

I have two sets of elderly mums who are refusing to adjust their life to their capability. No, you can’t go on solo bus trips to different cities because you get lost/lose your purse/forget where to get back on the bus. No you can’t stay and supervise the workmen who are trying to fix issue x as you keep driving them away and they won’t come back.

So frustrating. Things change whether we like it or not.

Shetlands · 07/07/2025 09:17

Your first responsibility is your own health and future, which you're risking if you take a financial hit that will backfire on you.

Could you be more of 'the organiser' and less of 'the doer', which would enable you to keep working while ensuring they have all the carers they need?

Keep in mind that phrase: "Don't set yourself on fire in order to keep other people warm."

Original poster
Wemdubz · 07/07/2025 09:13

@olderbutwiser thanks for your reply. I must stress this is all on me and the pressure I’m putting on myself. My mum would be upset to know I’m even considering it. You’re right that they wouldn’t want me to struggle.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wemdubz · 07/07/2025 09:10

@Gassylady Thanks for your reply. I hear you.

We did have carers at night but they were inconsistent with the times they turned up and sometimes dad was ready for bed hours before they came so we ended up cancelling them. Probably need to re-think this.

I guess I’m struggling with my own thoughts around it being my responsibility.

OP posts:
olderbutwiser · 07/07/2025 09:10

Absolutely not unless they replace your income.

Your parents need to increase Dfs care package - at the very least to add a bedtime visit. The whole setup could probably benefit from a needs assessment.

Care needs are going to increase dramatically over the next couple of years with two people in the household having dementia. Inevitably there will be a burden on you but you need to work on focusing on management - eg setting up taxi services for them rather than driving them everywhere.

Surely none of them would expect you to live in debt or poverty and give up your independence to do this?

Gassylady · 07/07/2025 08:57

I don’t have any experience but honestly this sounds like a very very bad idea. I think you should be trying to increase the amount of support for the family that isn’t you. More paid carers - half the battle is already won if they already accept the need for some help. Paid cleaner as well maybe.
If you stop work then you will probably struggle to get back into the same level after a gap. All you will be doing is sacrificing your own future financial stability to perhaps slow the acceleration in your family’s increasing needs for a while.

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