Go part-time to look after parents more?

If you do this more will always be expected, and more will probably end with you not working at all and physically and mentally broken.

Think long and hard before you do something that could cause you so much harm, and financial difficulties.

While your Mum may not want more care eventually that will probably be needed, no matter what you do.

I gave up my full time job and effectively ended my career too. We now can't get a mortgage because I haven't racked up enough self employed time. I regret leaving my job. Please do start your job. It will give you structure and perspective and maybe even support, if you're working alongside people of a similar age or background. Just give it a try. Best of luck to you.

With a fair amount of reluctance I completed my application form for relatively low paid admin role that is offering part time as well as full time vacancies. Who knows I may not fit the criteria or be successful at interview. It’s better than the alternative of spending all of my time looking after DPs who fondly imagine they are independent and managing well so therefore do not need any additional paid help goodness no, or getting a challenging new full time role and the. pretzeling myself trying to be everything to everybody.

Whereas at exactly my age - 55 - DM moved country and took up a new full time job, leaving her other siblings to look after the DPs <sigh>. I feel so trapped, but working full time and doing the 1-1.5 hr journey once a week is too much for me. To be fair it’s not my DPs fault the job market is so poor and my contract is finishing, a couple of years ago I probably could have requested 4 days a week for a new role. I just thought once DS was at uni it would be my time to throw myself at my career for a few years, but as an only DC it’s too much.

I am glad your DM has admitted she needs more help OP, unfortunately it’s the only way this can move forward and you need and deserve that job.

Don't do it. Get more outside help for them but you also need to look after yourself financially including building up your pension to support your own old age.

My DH nearly quit his job to care for his Mum, he had it planned that he would effectively take a wage from her savings to cover his salary loss until I pointed out he only worked 8 hours a day, not 24/7 and as well as his salary there was his pension to think about.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but it sounds like your Dad and sibling will end up in full time care in the not to distant future as well so it would be short sighted to give up a good job at this stage. Your Mum may not have a choice in this if the level of care they need falls short of what one person can provide.

I wouldn’t do it . No matter how you feel you are in a precarious situation , getting back into the workforce in your late 50’s / 60’s depending when the caring finished will be very hard , not impossible but employers can be agist . I also think it would be very depressing caring for 3 people . When are you to live and enjoy your life . Your parents need to step up and pay for extra care or consider a home despite your dads wishes .

I didn't do it for that reason but its where I ended up.

I sold my business as my business partner was retiring. I had a small part time from home role (about a day a week and flexible as to when i do it) and so was just doing that while I regrouped and found some hobbies.

Then Mum fell ill with cancer and I spent a lot of time at their house caring for her until she died 5 months later. Dad managed on his own then for about 2 years but with me visiting a fair amount and a lot of video calls with him for help. But he was deteriorating and the diagnosis of dementia 18 months ago came as no big surprise.

He came to live with us then and has continued to deteriorate. We are at the stage now he is 24/7 care...last night during the night he soaked the bed, second full bed change of the week, every night he is up once or twice, he is leaving the house in the day and wandering with intent of going home. Strangely he is suddenly far better on his feet and the wheelchair we bought and we're using only a few months ago seems a strange purchase now but that has added greater risk as he is mobile, like a ninja, but has no idea about risk or location.... he walks straight out into the road and tries to get random buses. But he doesn't have any grasp on reality and cannot be left. When he strides out we have to drop everything and join him. He is getting angry turns. Not physical but he word soup speech is clearly expressing anger at my husband and I.

We are planning a care home now as I think we have reached the end of what we can offer him. Which is sad for me to acknowledge.

So, yes I've done it. I didn't give anything up "per se" career wise. I'm still doing my little part time flexible job. But I have the savings from the business sale and a pension pot built up when there. I still have my professional qualification which I have maintained CPD on (far more than necessary as I've had the time to do free courses).

Would I recommend it. Probably not. One person is hard enough. You have 3! Every day is different so planning isn't easy and the trajectory is downhill, unpredicatable, and slow - unless something hits like my Mum had.

But if you do it, it's very rewarding until you get exhausted...and then it isn't!

this.
please think of your situation carefully. Your parents wouldn’t want you to struggle in your later years.

I really wouldn't do this as you have to earn a living. Benefits is a very bad idea

Glad to hear that you will not give up work (yet) continue with care at night.

Perhaps you can take a day off to go with your brother to the day time club ? Or employ someone to take him ?

Good luck

You sound like an absolutely lovely person
And maybe my answer would of been totally different had I had some loving parents.
But if I was your mum ,I absolutely would not want my daughter risking her mortgage by dropping days at work to care for me and her dad .
I'd happily accept a weekly visit ,but that's all.
What help are you mainly giving them ,and could they buy that in instead

This is what we save for all our lives. To buy in care as needed and let us our busy adult DC in the prime of their life with jobs and families of their own, life free of the indefinite burden.
What about your income. Your pension? Your opportunities?
I would think far less of any parent that let their DC live this way. All my friends living similarly have ended up on antidepressants.
Old age doesn’t come as a surprise, it removes our choices and preferences and that’s just unfortunate. The wants of someone at the end of life don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs.

You earn more than the carers (I hope): it makes no sense to give up your work. Get a soc services reassessment, even if they are paying; get the night carer back; be unavailable except for manageable tasks that will add quality to your time together.

"the man who has always put me first in his life. " would therefore be the last one who would want you to sacrifice yourself for him.
To be brutal.... you will have to survive after both your parents have died.... look after yourself now to do this....

when you’re running yourself into the ground please remember they can leave it all to the cats home if they choose.

@JasmineTea11 you are a better person than I am. I will not be looking after my parents if they get to that stage. Fortunately they wouldn’t want us to sacrifice our lives in that way.

As you still have a mortgage, I would suggest using that as an excuse not to give up work.
You should continue to pay into a private pension too.

Because if you do give up work, you could potentially have another 10 years of caring for your parents.

Plus, you have the added complication of caring for your sibling.

Caring is relentless !

What would your parents do if you did not live close to them ?

It's true that this burden of care will fall disproportionately on women, surprise surprise

I'm assuming I'll go part time eventually to help my parents to try and keep them out of residential care or that will eat all the hoped for (not expected!) inheritance..

Well-off woman (no mortgage and pension all paid up already) going down to 3 days a week to help keep the plates spinning - maybe.
But that's not you.
And generally it's much better for parents to spend their money on care now, rather than seeing their daughter have a nervous breakdown just to end up saving money which then goes in IHT anyway.
Sorry, it's tough. But like a PP, I saw my own mother driven to breakdown from caring for a succession of elderly relatives - and back in the 70s, medical care was nowhere near as good so they died relatively quickly! As I understand it, she didn't really have much choice.

https://www.gov.uk/rent-room-in-your-home

Your mum is a grown adult ,she is choosing to keep him at home in an unsuitable situation
She can obviously see her husband needs more help
It's very clear he needs to go in a home .
So eventually social services will step in and insist he does .
How does it help anyone you getting behind on your mortgage payments or adding extra stress of not having enough money
In a way ,by helping out so much ,you are making the situation worse
Because no one is getting a true picture of how bad things are , because your there picking up the slack .
I'm sure your mum would come to her senses about a home ,much quicker without your help.
Easier said than done i know
I'd start by getting social services to visit and do an assessment
All the time your mum is lifting and moving and toileting your dad ,she is putting her own health at risk .