What to do - driving

Its very very common for your time to be stolen - my late Mum would call me about something. As she had moved much closer to me I would talk through and say I would pop in after work.

On arriving I would be bombarded with jobs. Even as I was walking out the door it would be 'while you are here' or 'just in case I forget'. In the end I had to get really firm. There are other people who we can pay to do these things (but I would need to organise of course!) and Mum ended up being OK with it but after a while it was clear even with all my support she wasnt safe in her own place. I couldnt trust her to not do something daft.

She fell a few times and was carted off to hospital where she often stayed for 1-2 weeks. It took a great toll on her health and she eventually moved into a care home where she died not long after.

The elderly parents are massive time stealers and I found myself thinking with regard to holidays maybe I wouldnt go too far in case I needed to come back quickly. I then had a stern word with myself but siblings were hopeless (and living abroad). One of them thought it was useful to give out helpful info which involved me doing even more until I firmly told her I didnt have time for that and if she thought it was such a great idea come over to the UK and bloody well sort this out yourself.

You need to report to DVLA (the letter they send is anonymous, I reported my mum)

And if they continue to drive, phone the police and tell them they're driving uninsured against doctor's advice.

I know it sounds harsh but people's safety is most important here.

Because its not far... I had this with both sets of parents when discussing various issues they had.

In their heads it isnt far so they will do it!

If taxis arent an issue that is the solution but these foolish people dont listen. Its either their way or the high way - until something happens and then you are battered to sort it out because they cant.

Totally understand regarding your fear that you dont want to be a default driver (you will!). That way they dont have to bother with taxis.Quite honestly this care creeps up on you. You visit for potentially an hour and arrive to find a list of things they want you to sort out.

@DemonsandMosquitoes I'm sorry. 💐

My aunt was diagnosed with macular degeneration and was told she mustn’t drive. Her exact words to me were, “ that’s just silly, ok I can’t read number plates but I can see another car coming “ . I was her next of kin and took the keys at first then gave the car to a neighbour who in return for a free car would take her shopping and to medical appointments.
I also watched the cause of death programme mentioned above and one driver who had been told years before that he couldn’t drive, could only actually see clearly 5 cms in front of his face. It was a sobering watch.

Just a word of warning to all - I reported my 80yo neighbour twice in a year for driving on the wrong side of the road. It took them 18 mths to ask her to have a sight test which she passed....

Apparently she now needs to have a medical but no sign of a driving test. Her car is banged up with huge numbers of marks and scratches - I get told about how it's all other people's fault for parking out in the road etc....

And they only asked her to stop driving while these tests happen, it's can't be enforced. Fortunately she has but she cries to us all about how someone was so cruel to report her. It wasn't just me either, several neighbours did it.

We disengaged the battery on my dad's car. He couldn't start it. We said we would call a mechanic. I called a friend (knew nothing about cars!), he came round and said to my father it was a write off and couldn't be repaired. And that was it, we sold the car and my dad never mentioned it again!

Also selling a second hard car yields quite a lot of money these days!

Can you get cards etc for local taxi firms and ask them for a typical cost? Though he can afford taxis I think it’s not really that generations thinking to get a taxi to the doctors for example and it takes a bit of getting used to. The other thing is cost - how much does the car cost for a few journeys vs a taxi every now and again?

It is time to be firm with your parents, I'm afraid.

My Mum learned in her late fifties and was always a pretty rubbish driver tbh. She couldn't read the road very well, her reaction times were poor and she had a tendency to panic when things went wrong. She was completely capable in all other areas of her life into her very late eighties. One day (I think in her late seventies) she caused a double decker bus to crash. The only serious injury was one little boy with a broken arm, but apparently the entire bus put in whiplash claims.

Mum handed her licence to the police and that was the end of her driving. She wasn't prosecuted.

So that wasn't the most terrible thing to have on her conscience, but it isn't great either. OP, do you want something like this for your parents?

Report them both to the DVLA (your mother behind the wheel sounds just as bad tbh) and if questioned, smile sweetly, deny all knowledge and say it must have been the doctor. Hide the keys asap, set up a taxi account with a saved phone number and tell them both.....it's no longer up for discussion. I'm afraid the time has come for you to parent your parents and if you need a local uniformed pcso to have a chat then go for it. They must not be allowed to be dangerous on the road.

Our system is hopeless and puts too much pressure on the relatives to do the right thing. A diagnosis like this from the doctor should automatically be sent to the DVLA rather than poor old OP having to do it. Surely there is some duty of care towards the other people on the roads that rests higher than with an individual.

OP I would inform the DVLA but don’t tell your DF that you’re doing it. Hopefully when the official letter comes, he will think it happened through the doctor. If not then fess up but say you were only doing what the doctor told you to do.

Report to DVLA but don't rely on them. We did this with FIL when he was diagnosed with dementia and waited literally months for them to do anything (they never actually did, because he surrendered his licence himself in the end). Anyway, this is a different situation - it's not that your DF been told he has a condition that 'may' mean he can't drive, and has to be assessed - he's been told categorically by a GP that he mustn't drive. I would try telling your parents firmly that you're taking the car and keeping it at your house 'while he's waiting for results', and if they totally refuse then I'd report to the police.

You have to be cruel to be kind here.

Inform the DVLA, tell both of your parents that you have done so and let them know that they can and will be flagged by the police at any given time and he will have broken the law.

His insurance would not be valid if he had an accident as the Doctors have clearly told him he’s not fit to drive.

Tell him in black and white terms how selfish he is to continue to drive after being told not to for serious medical reasons and he is at great risk of injuring or killing innocent people.

Take the car keys if you have to and if they moan about how they’ll get around remind them that they can afford taxis.

Innocent people’s lives are at stake here.

This if you can’t get the keys. You can brief any mechanics and in the “meantime” set up a taxi account

I'd rather my parent was furious with me than let them potentially endanger others every time they drive off merrily down the road. What's she going to do, tell you off and make you cry? She could kill someone.

@DemonsandMosquitoes im so sorry for your loss.

@Beautifulcreatures2 you do know what to do, you just don’t want to.

@drivingmetomywitsend maybe try a different tack- ‘you know dad, since the dr said you can’t drive that means your insurance is invalid, so driving is breaking the law- you’re a criminal’. My FIL’s pride wouldn’t let him be a criminal.

Failing that, take the keys, or disconnect something electrical under the bonnet.

I can’t see how I can do that anonymously. If my mother found out I had done that she would be incandescent.

That isn’t true, insurers will cover third party claims.

The doctor won’t do anything. Only the DVLA can help.

How do I report an unsafe driver to the DVLA UK?

If they refuse to stop driving, and you feel that they are a danger to themselves and others you can report your concerns to the DVLA by completing the form at Report Concerns about a driver to the DVLA.

I’m so sorry to hear that Demons.

Yes you do know what to do. Remove her keys!