What to do - driving

You can ‘give them time’ to come round whilst doing the driving for them and keep gently reminding them of the dangers of continuing to drive. I would give my hind teeth to live my last 7 years again and help out my dads wife with his care with Parkinson’s, and my mum who had no one to help bar a decrepit friend who tried her damndest to help, as my dear sister, who had moved down there 11 years ago to keep an eye on our parents, died of cancer 4 years later. I guess some people just aren’t as close I we were as a small family unit, despite all our problems.

My friend, who wasn’t born in the UK, took away her father’s gun when he started to develop dementia. The father was very cross with her but she knew she had to do it. They didn’t speak for a couple of months.
OP, your father might as well go out with a loaded gun if his health conditions means he cannot drive properly.You must do everything in your power to stop him even if it means they don’t speak to you for a couple of months.
I think you should work on stopping both your parents. I don’t know why you would encourage an elderly woman, who is not a confident driver, to drive.

We had this problem. My brother reported my DF to dvla and I emailed the Dr. We are not entirely sure which one worked but dvla sent a form to my DF asking for a medical report from his Dr. If he didn’t reply he lost his licence immediately and in our case, he lost his licence through the medical report. It can be given back by another medical report so if your DF is ok after tests/medication he could get his licence back. We found our DF did respect the dvla form. Although he does complain about it!

I had the same problem. How would you feel if they put a child or a young mother/father in wheelchair for life or worse. You have to make the tough decisions like I did. If they won’t listen to sense then speak to the police. If the Dr has told him not to drive then he’s driving without insurance and the car can be taken and crushed.

The problem with 'give them time' is that they are behind the wheel against very clear doctor's orders, and putting the genera public in danger, while they 'come around'.

This is your notice, a huge hint from the Universe actually, that you need to sit your parents down and have the conversation about that consent.

You also need to discuss POA.

My grandfather was like your dad OP. I remember being in the car with him when he hit a kerb, went through a red light and nearly hit a cyclist, all in one ten minute journey. I was only about 14. He could really have killed someone. His adult children (one was a GP) basically eventually confiscated the car and made an arrangement with a local taxi company, trying to frame that as a ‘gift.’ It wasn’t easy. At least the saving grace is that they can afford taxis.

It's hard knowing and realising your lifetime of independent is waning away, that you can't do the things do easily as you used to, knowing something is happening to your body but have no control over. The one thing I wanted to do for my DM was to move closer to help her with any trips, I could drive her, go to medical appointments, take her out so it gets her out of the house. It took her a good year to realise she hadn't driven her car at all, as she knew she wanted safe but didn't want to give it up just in case. As it was I'd visit driving 300 miles there and same back twice a year and she said my trips would last her weeks in memories. I drove down when she kept falling near her end. I find your seemingly lack of understanding (and yr selfish brother) of now taking the reins a lot more to help yr parents shockingly insensitive. Just give them time to come round to the idea of losing a lot of their independence put yrself in their shoes.

I'm so glad to see the way this thread has gone. Often on these elderly driver threads there are howls of age discrimination at the very suggestion somebody should stop driving.

Yoi could set up a regular time for a taxi each week for the supermarket, shopping etc. It sounds as if your Mum is still not very confident about driving and your Dad cannot be trusted not to. I think it would be a good idea to sell both cars.

You say you can’t stop them but have you actually said “Enough Dad, open the safe and give me the keys. You’ve been told not to drive and you could kill an innocent person.”

I know they’re your parents but you have to been cruel to be kind here.

It’s not just his safety he’s putting at risk.

You might be surprised by the value of the car. I drive a similar one but older than that and the value had actually increased in the last year when I came to renew the insurance!

You need to look at it from the other side...I fully appreciate that your dad won't willingly stop driving but IF he had an accident, and God forbid killed or seriously injured someone, how would you feel then knowing you COULD have stopped it? Him not being insured could mean a lifetime of misery for the person/people affected. They might not get vital specialist physio care, their mortgage paid if they can't work, a dreadful change in their circumstances because of your father. It's not worth it,you MUST take his keys away and tell him you'll report him if he refuses.
This comes from someone who lost her husband through a negligent older person's driving but thankfully they were still insured or I'd have lost everything as I couldn't have afforded the mortgage on my own salary. You need to do the right thing.

Can’t they have their weekly shop delivered?

Our neighbour was like your dad. Her nephew got the local (and very lovely) garage mechanic to come up and disable the car.....

Use taxis. This will probably be as cheap if not cheaper than paying car insurance for over 80, MOT (if needed) , servicing and general maintenance such as tyres etc plus petrol. Do a bit of maths to convince them to change and get an account with a local taxi firm.

Do it.

what if he has an accident? Kill someone? Kill your mom? Just do it.

You may be surprised about the Volvo. Assuming it has reasonably low mileage and is in good condition, you should get several hundred on We Buy Any Car. Just send them the reg and they'll send a quote by text. A young male colleague of mine drives a large, old Volvo because the insurance is cheap!

That was frightening!

My mum thought she would be able to drive once she recovered from her knee op. (She was over 80). I pointed out that her reaction times were terrible and she shouldn't be driving, she disagreed.

I'm glad I took her keys off her and eventually sold the car, she was in no fit state to drive. She ended up agreeing with me, but it was difficult for hile. I just kept reminding her how she would have felt if she'd caused an accident or god forbid killed someone.

I hate that I had to do it, but I know it was the right thing to do.

It might not be the best way but I filled in the voluntary surrender of driving licence on DM’s behalf. She decided that the doctor who told her to stop driving must have ‘told on her’

we got in touch with the local volunteer action group who providdd a taxi service. All good really