Page 2 | What to do - driving

drivingmetomywitsend · 2025-07-03T16:33:32+00:00

My dad is 81, and lives with my mum who is the same age. They manage at home without any outside support, apart from me. Dad has been having episodes of dizziness/collapse for some time now, which have resulted in several hospital admissions while they try to get to the cause of it. He’s currently waiting for an appointment with the heart failure consultant. He also has worsening memory problems. His last episode was on Monday night, and on Tuesday the doctor we saw said in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t to drive unless they told him he could. Mum can drive but hasn’t done for some time, and has lost her confidence. We’ve discussed her having a refresher lesson or two but she wasn’t enthusiastic. Today dad had an appointment with his GP, which is only about 1/4 mile away, at the top of the road, but he insisted on driving as it wasn’t far…. I’ve pointed out that he is driving illegally and uninsured but they both brushed it off (“But it wasn’t far!”) I suggested that mum tries a short trip tomorrow but I suspect that she won’t, and may even just tell me she has to shut me up. I am happy to take them to hospital appointments, as parking is also a nightmare there, but I am reluctant to become their default to drive up the road or to the local supermarket - they can easily afford taxis btw. I live 20 minutes drive away, and once I’m over there tend to get sucked into helping them with other stuff, so it’d be a chunk of my day. What do I do? The doctor said to inform the DVLA, I thought that was unnecessary since he wouldn’t be driving, but now I wish I had at the time. If I tell them now would it look like the doctor had told them? I’m not convinced it would stop him driving anyway, and I really don’t want him to cause an accident.

Glitterandmud · 05/07/2025 20:37

Glad things have calmed down op. When DMIL had to stop driving it "coincided" with BIL having car trouble, she was pleased to be able to help him out and she got used to taxis, lift from friends etc (until sadly her situation deteriorated). Maybe something to keep in mind as she really was pleased she could be so helpful in lending her car to her son, and to be fair it made life a lot easier as BIL went from a 1 car to 2 car family so it was much easier for him to support MIL.

Original poster

drivingmetomywitsend · 05/07/2025 20:25

asknotwhat · 05/07/2025 08:14

Oh, stop being so sanctimonious @schtompy , it's really unhelpful. I get that it's hard to lose your independence - I really do. But to suggest that anyone who doesn't just do everything for their parents isn't close to them, is nonsense. (In my case, for example, I live a couple of hours away and work six days a week, while my sister lives five hours away and also works full time. I love my parents dearly, but how is 'popping over to do the driving' going to be possible in that scenario? I'm not going to move near them, taking my kids out of school and giving up my job, and they don't want to move near me, because they still have friends and local connections.)

There are many, many reasons why children of elderly parents can't provide that level of practical help. And yes, some people are less close to their parents, sometimes for damn good reason.

Thank you for that. I wasn’t giving that poster the benefit of a reply. I’ve actually given up a good job and moved house to be closer to them, and do a lot of running about after them, with frequent phone calls in between visits. I’ve taken them on holiday, been there for every hospital admission, and supported them to update the house as they get older (new downstairs bathroom, extra stair rails, outside handrail are just a few things I’ve had to talk them into and arrange for them - all of which they appreciate now they’re done).

But I’m drawing a line at taking them to every single appointment. I’ve been over today and had a good talk with them, dad is still not happy but mum is now putting her foot down and telling him he can’t drive until a doctor tells him he can (unlikely, but hopefully by the point he realises it’s forever he’ll have got used to the idea).

We're arranging to sell the Volvo, so that’s a start. Mum’s okay driving locally (I went out with her and she was fine) so hopefully things will calm down a bit now. I’d like her to get a newer car with automatic lights, wipers etc, and that was automatic, but I’ll mention that one again in a few weeks. Sometimes she needs to let things mull over in her mind before she comes round to them.

OP posts:

Original poster

drivingmetomywitsend · 05/07/2025 20:15

mathanxiety · 05/07/2025 00:47

This is your notice, a huge hint from the Universe actually, that you need to sit your parents down and have the conversation about that consent.

You also need to discuss POA.

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They’re happy for me to talk to their GP, we just hadn’t got round to writing a letter (I assumed the GP would have a standard form ,but apparently not). POA is already in place, thankfully.

OP posts:

schtompy · 05/07/2025 18:54

EmotionalBlackmail · 05/07/2025 16:37

Right, so that’s a 40 min round trip minimum if the traffic is good, plus the time to get them organised and out of the house (in my experience half an hour minimum, usually more), then drive them to the supermarket, appointment, lunch club, whatever then wait whilst they do whatever it is because it’s never enough time to go back home or to work or you can’t leave them. So maybe another couple of hours. Longer if it’s the hospital. Then drive them back again. Then get dragged into a load of “while you’re here” tasks.
By that point it’s most of the day.

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depending on how your parents brought you up, if you had good ones and were loved, I don’t think it’s much to ask to give back, the tables turn when they get older. You become the parent, with patience and love they showed you.

schtompy · 05/07/2025 18:52

MichaelandKirk · 05/07/2025 17:36

Schtompy - you clearly have no idea what it’s like. You might think you would do this and that but your comments quite honestly sound like you have never been in this situation.

It’s not 20 mins out of your day. That is the bit that makes me think you really haven’t done anything like this.

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Micheal and Kirk, I was 300 miles away, driving down every 10 days.

MichaelandKirk · 05/07/2025 17:36

schtompy · 05/07/2025 16:01

Op lives 20 minutes away? Gosh you all seem to lack empathy. I’m stunned.

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Schtompy - you clearly have no idea what it’s like. You might think you would do this and that but your comments quite honestly sound like you have never been in this situation.

It’s not 20 mins out of your day. That is the bit that makes me think you really haven’t done anything like this.

EmotionalBlackmail · 05/07/2025 16:37

schtompy · 05/07/2025 16:01

Op lives 20 minutes away? Gosh you all seem to lack empathy. I’m stunned.

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Right, so that’s a 40 min round trip minimum if the traffic is good, plus the time to get them organised and out of the house (in my experience half an hour minimum, usually more), then drive them to the supermarket, appointment, lunch club, whatever then wait whilst they do whatever it is because it’s never enough time to go back home or to work or you can’t leave them. So maybe another couple of hours. Longer if it’s the hospital. Then drive them back again. Then get dragged into a load of “while you’re here” tasks.
By that point it’s most of the day.

countrygirl99 · 05/07/2025 16:12

schtompy · 05/07/2025 16:00

Hardly a bitchy comment. I do understand. That’s why I’m writing

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You clearly need to up your communication skills then as several people took it that way

schtompy · 05/07/2025 16:01

EmotionalBlackmail · 05/07/2025 11:06

How do you do the driving for them if you have a full time job and primary-aged kids?!
And don’t live nearby.

It sounds like you’ve been through a lot and are grieving but this isn’t practical advice for many people.

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Op lives 20 minutes away? Gosh you all seem to lack empathy. I’m stunned.

schtompy · 05/07/2025 16:00

countrygirl99 · 05/07/2025 08:41

What a bitchy comment! How bout understanding most people are dealing with more than one thing in their lives

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Hardly a bitchy comment. I do understand. That’s why I’m writing

OnTheBoardwalk · 05/07/2025 14:58

I like the idea from PP around disengaging the battery, would that work?

glad you've reported to DVLA. I reported an elderly neighbour and said she was dangerous on the roads, which she was

DVLA did follow up and took her licence. Speaking to her son who she lived we, he said he didn’t know who reported her but was glad that they did as she refused to listen to anyone in the family

ClaredeBear · 05/07/2025 14:47

So many people (not just the elderly) who shouldn’t be driving. Good to hear you want to do something about it and hopefully the thought of your father potentially killing someone will motivate you to call his GP, DVLA and the police. The DVLA will arrange a retest and whilst the GP and police might not do that much, you will have their support and he will feel the pressure.

Wimin123 · 05/07/2025 14:42

Beautifulcreatures2 · 03/07/2025 18:07

My mother is 88 and has had several minor accidents in the past two years. She has always been a terrible driver but now is an absolute liability. No one else is prepared to tell her she needs to stop . I don’t know what to do.

You need to take action - remove the keys from the house- take the car for some repairs permanently if you feel you can’t report but you really need to as someone will be killed and it won’t just be your mum!

twilightcafe · 05/07/2025 13:01

Flopsythebunny · 03/07/2025 19:45

Yes you do know what to do. Remove her keys!

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@Beautifulcreatures2 You will be responsible (morally, if not legally) if she kills or injures someone because you are 'too scared' to take the keys off her.

EmotionalBlackmail · 05/07/2025 11:06

schtompy · 05/07/2025 08:03

You can ‘give them time’ to come round whilst doing the driving for them and keep gently reminding them of the dangers of continuing to drive. I would give my hind teeth to live my last 7 years again and help out my dads wife with his care with Parkinson’s, and my mum who had no one to help bar a decrepit friend who tried her damndest to help, as my dear sister, who had moved down there 11 years ago to keep an eye on our parents, died of cancer 4 years later. I guess some people just aren’t as close I we were as a small family unit, despite all our problems.

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How do you do the driving for them if you have a full time job and primary-aged kids?!
And don’t live nearby.

It sounds like you’ve been through a lot and are grieving but this isn’t practical advice for many people.

Holesintheground · 05/07/2025 09:57

schtompy · 05/07/2025 09:36

You're not reading or understanding what I have written.

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Oh I think people are understanding it and the aspersions it casts on people who don't take over all the driving or other things for elderly parents. What @asknotwhat said is spot on.

schtompy · 05/07/2025 09:36

asknotwhat · 05/07/2025 08:14

Oh, stop being so sanctimonious @schtompy , it's really unhelpful. I get that it's hard to lose your independence - I really do. But to suggest that anyone who doesn't just do everything for their parents isn't close to them, is nonsense. (In my case, for example, I live a couple of hours away and work six days a week, while my sister lives five hours away and also works full time. I love my parents dearly, but how is 'popping over to do the driving' going to be possible in that scenario? I'm not going to move near them, taking my kids out of school and giving up my job, and they don't want to move near me, because they still have friends and local connections.)

There are many, many reasons why children of elderly parents can't provide that level of practical help. And yes, some people are less close to their parents, sometimes for damn good reason.

You're not reading or understanding what I have written.

NoWomanNoBuy · 05/07/2025 09:32

@drivingmetomywitsend you're doing brilliantly and it sounds like things have progressed well.

I think in your shoes I'd work on slowly encouraging your DDad to sell his car, and then the money from the sale could go straight into a taxi kitty (I know they have the money but it sounds like they don't like to spend it, and tbf it can take a while to get your head 'round paying what seems like such a lot of money for one little ride), 'just to make things easier on those days where you'd like to relax and not have to think about driving.'

Thoseshoeslookcomfy · 05/07/2025 09:23

I could have written the original post. What made it hardest was the collusion between my parents. Mum would ring me about the latest driving problem (Dad getting stuck in car park etc) but would deny it when we had a proper conversation. We all had direct evidence of his decline in driving ability. Once she stopped driving she expected to be chauffeured around (and still does, by her DCs, 3 years after Dad's death). I didn't realise until late on to what extent Dad felt the pressure on him to drive. He didn't want to, couldn't admit it, saw no way out, distrusted taxis. In the end we moved them to a retirement flat where they could walk everywhere ( he hated it) and we sold the car, telling him we were going to find a simpler one for him. Outright lies but no other option. Do NOT become their taxi. Do NOT let your own health/life/finances become the buffer zone between them and their refusal to accept reality. Help them, but you aren't their only port of call. For everything else, arrange community transport, see what can be done with home visits, find a good cab firm. Don't expect them to like it. Expect to be unpopular! Take it steady and look after yourself.

olderbutwiser · 05/07/2025 08:58

Cut OP some slack.

Can I just remind everyone that this is on OPs DF, not on OP. OP is doing her very best to convince her DF not to drive and has come here for help. She doesn’t warrant a lecture and if some of the posts had come from men they’d be called Mansplaining.

DF still has capacity, he has heard what the GP said and decided to ignore it. If he causes an accident it will be 100% his fault. (Not telling the DVLA also opens him to a £1000 fine and invalidates his insurance, but I\m sure OP knows that).

For those of us who’ve been in this situation OP has already worked wonders - got DM back behind the wheel, contacted the DVLA, working towards selling DFs car.

OP, thanks for making the roads a bit safer for the rest of us 💐

countrygirl99 · 05/07/2025 08:41

schtompy · 05/07/2025 08:03

You can ‘give them time’ to come round whilst doing the driving for them and keep gently reminding them of the dangers of continuing to drive. I would give my hind teeth to live my last 7 years again and help out my dads wife with his care with Parkinson’s, and my mum who had no one to help bar a decrepit friend who tried her damndest to help, as my dear sister, who had moved down there 11 years ago to keep an eye on our parents, died of cancer 4 years later. I guess some people just aren’t as close I we were as a small family unit, despite all our problems.

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What a bitchy comment! How bout understanding most people are dealing with more than one thing in their lives

StrongTea · 05/07/2025 08:35

I anonymously reported a relative to the dvla. He was advised by the hospital not to drive but continued to do so. Eventually he got a letter from the dvla asking for medical details etc. That was weeks ago and very recently got a letter advising his licence was due for renewal. So whether the dvla have decided he is fit to drive and the renewal licence was automatically generated I don’t know. He is 90, some days can barely walk. Both him and his wife get attendance allowance and are fairly well off but won’t use taxis.

Beautifulcreatures2 · 05/07/2025 08:20

asknotwhat · 05/07/2025 08:14

Oh, stop being so sanctimonious @schtompy , it's really unhelpful. I get that it's hard to lose your independence - I really do. But to suggest that anyone who doesn't just do everything for their parents isn't close to them, is nonsense. (In my case, for example, I live a couple of hours away and work six days a week, while my sister lives five hours away and also works full time. I love my parents dearly, but how is 'popping over to do the driving' going to be possible in that scenario? I'm not going to move near them, taking my kids out of school and giving up my job, and they don't want to move near me, because they still have friends and local connections.)

There are many, many reasons why children of elderly parents can't provide that level of practical help. And yes, some people are less close to their parents, sometimes for damn good reason.

Absolutely. It’s not reasonable to suggest that parents should expect their children to just drive them around everywhere. Most people don’t have the time or inclination to do this. Especially when they’ve brought up their own kids and are finally free of those responsibilities. It’s always possible to organise an online food delivery for them every week.

asknotwhat · 05/07/2025 08:14

Oh, stop being so sanctimonious @schtompy , it's really unhelpful. I get that it's hard to lose your independence - I really do. But to suggest that anyone who doesn't just do everything for their parents isn't close to them, is nonsense. (In my case, for example, I live a couple of hours away and work six days a week, while my sister lives five hours away and also works full time. I love my parents dearly, but how is 'popping over to do the driving' going to be possible in that scenario? I'm not going to move near them, taking my kids out of school and giving up my job, and they don't want to move near me, because they still have friends and local connections.)

There are many, many reasons why children of elderly parents can't provide that level of practical help. And yes, some people are less close to their parents, sometimes for damn good reason.

Purplecatshopaholic · 05/07/2025 08:09

Oh op, I know it’s hard but please do act on this. Their anger is so much more preferable than an accident where he hurts or kills someone, or himself. When this happened with my mum (she had dementia, would get lost, forget how to drive while actually driving, while being adamant she was fine.!) we took the keys and then sold her car. Sorry, not sorry (not even a little): she was a liability and it was unpleasant (she was raging!) but necessary.