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Elderly parents
Original poster

What to do - driving

135 replies

drivingmetomywitsend · 03/07/2025 17:33

My dad is 81, and lives with my mum who is the same age. They manage at home without any outside support, apart from me. Dad has been having episodes of dizziness/collapse for some time now, which have resulted in several hospital admissions while they try to get to the cause of it. He’s currently waiting for an appointment with the heart failure consultant. He also has worsening memory problems.

His last episode was on Monday night, and on Tuesday the doctor we saw said in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t to drive unless they told him he could. Mum can drive but hasn’t done for some time, and has lost her confidence. We’ve discussed her having a refresher lesson or two but she wasn’t enthusiastic.

Today dad had an appointment with his GP, which is only about 1/4 mile away, at the top of the road, but he insisted on driving as it wasn’t far….

I’ve pointed out that he is driving illegally and uninsured but they both brushed it off (“But it wasn’t far!”)

I suggested that mum tries a short trip tomorrow but I suspect that she won’t, and may even just tell me she has to shut me up. I am happy to take them to hospital appointments, as parking is also a nightmare there, but I am reluctant to become their default to drive up the road or to the local supermarket - they can easily afford taxis btw. I live 20 minutes drive away, and once I’m over there tend to get sucked into helping them with other stuff, so it’d be a chunk of my day.

What do I do? The doctor said to inform the DVLA, I thought that was unnecessary since he wouldn’t be driving, but now I wish I had at the time. If I tell them now would it look like the doctor had told them? I’m not convinced it would stop him driving anyway, and I really don’t want him to cause an accident.

OP posts:
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NeedForSpeed · 11/07/2025 14:56

Beautifulcreatures2 · 11/07/2025 14:52

I’ve had an email back from them asking for the same details I have already given, including the licence number which I don’t know. So I don’t think it’s going anywhere.

Edited

It sounds like they can't marry up the information you gave to the driving licence records.

Is it possible there were typos or that someone uses an alternative name on official documents, or hasn't updated their licence to their current address etc? Ie my FIL goes by his middle name which you'd only know is not his forename if you're close to him.

Give them the registration plate of the car(s) as well, it'll help them tie it up.

Beautifulcreatures2 · 11/07/2025 14:52

I’ve had an email back from them asking for the same details I have already given, including the licence number which I don’t know. So I don’t think it’s going anywhere.

OnTheBoardwalk · 09/07/2025 19:40

Beautifulcreatures2 · 09/07/2025 16:53

What are the DVLA likely to do after someone is reported anonymously?

Investigate. From experience as long as you don’t put Mickey Mouse as your name they do take it seriously

in the evidence/comments box I put I was a concerned neighbour then went on to describe the incidents that caused me concern

Beautifulcreatures2 · 09/07/2025 16:53

What are the DVLA likely to do after someone is reported anonymously?

Fliesinmyeyes · 09/07/2025 10:59

You've said your bit. If your dad has capacity then it's really up to him to act on this, not you. Unwise or not, he is an adult it's his choice how he moves forward, and you don't get to decide.

TorroFerney · 08/07/2025 17:41

schtompy · 05/07/2025 16:01

Op lives 20 minutes away? Gosh you all seem to lack empathy. I’m stunned.

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Doesn't matter if she lives 20 seconds away, she's not obliged to drive them everywhere when they can get a taxi.

Original poster
drivingmetomywitsend · 08/07/2025 13:49

pharmer · 08/07/2025 09:23

Well, hang on a minute. I would certainly report your DF to the Dvla. Your mother is a different matter though. She has not been told she can't drive, and if she is insured to drive the car you could get in serious trouble for stealing the keys without reason

I have reported dad, and won’t be taking the keys away. Mum is insured to drive and at present seems capable now she’s actually got behind the wheel - she was just nervous because she hadn’t driven for a while.

I’m monitoring the situation and mum won’t be driving anywhere she’s not very familiar with. I’m stepping up even more in terms of medical appointments, not least because they both forget what has been said….

I now have written authority from them to talk to their GP practice, and they have my number to arrange appointments etc.

Progress is being made, but dad is understandably upset and depressed by the situation. Hopefully we’ll get to a better place soon.

OP posts:
Karatema · 08/07/2025 13:15

EmotionalBlackmail · 03/07/2025 19:39

Yes, that’s right.
https://www.yorkshirepost.co.uk/news/crime/elderly-driver-jailed-for-18-months-for-killing-28-year-old-motorcyclist-in-horror-crash-3786306
Although many of them seem to get away with a suspended prison sentence as long as they give up their licence and express remorse.

Don’t forget too that the insurance is invalid if they drive when a doctor has advised them not to, so the insurance wouldn’t pay out for costs of any crash, treatment of victims etc.

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Insurance won’t pay out for own costs but will pay out for TP costs. Uninsured drivers cost each of us insured drivers about £35 per year. The MIB (Motor Insurance Bureau) is there in case someone is uninsured and you are the third party.

EmotionalBlackmail · 08/07/2025 11:53

I found the loaded gun example someone used earlier helpful. You (hopefully!) wouldn’t let your parent wander around with a loaded gun if they weren’t capable. A car can do just as much damage.

It’s only because cars are such a normal part of life whereas guns (in the U.K.) aren’t.

NoWomanNoBuy · 08/07/2025 09:26

It's understandable that you feel bad about it, @Beautifulcreatures2 but you have to think of yourself as taking on a parenting role at this stage, in some respects - you're keeping her and other people safe and helping her to navigate this more vulnerable time of her life. You've done the right thing.

pharmer · 08/07/2025 09:23

Well, hang on a minute. I would certainly report your DF to the Dvla. Your mother is a different matter though. She has not been told she can't drive, and if she is insured to drive the car you could get in serious trouble for stealing the keys without reason

Beautifulcreatures2 · 08/07/2025 09:08

Okay I’ve done it. Thank you. I feel awful doing it but I feel I must.

NeedForSpeed · 08/07/2025 08:53

Beautifulcreatures2 · 08/07/2025 08:49

I tried that. It doesn’t have that option and there is no way to avoid filling in my details.

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You just put Joe Bloggs details surely..... That's what I did for my neighbour but I was giving her name, address, car details, GP details etc. I acknowledged that an anon report would have less impact than giving my own name.

Beautifulcreatures2 · 08/07/2025 08:49

mrslrc · 08/07/2025 08:40

Use this link to report anonymously to dvla https://contact.dvla.gov.uk/driver/capture-transaction-type?locale=en

I tried that. It doesn’t have that option and there is no way to avoid filling in my details.

mrslrc · 08/07/2025 08:40

Use this link to report anonymously to dvla https://contact.dvla.gov.uk/driver/capture-transaction-type?locale=en

Beautifulcreatures2 · 08/07/2025 08:36

I’ve searched the DVLA website for info on how to report anonymously. I can’t find the form anywhere. Could someone link to it please?

BeamMeUpCountMeIn · 08/07/2025 08:25

I'd take the nuclear option and take the wheels off the car or something. Can that be done without a key?

Beautifulcreatures2 · 08/07/2025 08:25

ripon432 · 08/07/2025 07:54

I had the same problem with my 94 year old dad with dementia

I reported him to the dvla anonymously, they revoked the licence straight away which he reluctantly excepted, he never knew it was me

your dad is uninsured and any accident would be so traumatic even a minor one

please do not ask your elderly mum to drive , it may cause her stress when she has enough to cope with and do not remove car keys, it may make your dad angry with you at a time when they need your support and is criminal theft in any case

you are not alone, there is an excellent Facebook group carents lounge and driving is a major issue

good luck

How did you report him anonymously?

ripon432 · 08/07/2025 07:54

I had the same problem with my 94 year old dad with dementia

I reported him to the dvla anonymously, they revoked the licence straight away which he reluctantly excepted, he never knew it was me

your dad is uninsured and any accident would be so traumatic even a minor one

please do not ask your elderly mum to drive , it may cause her stress when she has enough to cope with and do not remove car keys, it may make your dad angry with you at a time when they need your support and is criminal theft in any case

you are not alone, there is an excellent Facebook group carents lounge and driving is a major issue

good luck

pollymere · 08/07/2025 07:42

My grandfather stopped driving once he became 80. He knew his reactions weren't there anymore. They could just get taxis for short journeys. Or patient transport. There are various charities that provide transport for the elderly at minimum.

Seeingadistance · 07/07/2025 16:52

thebigyearahead · 06/07/2025 06:57

It was ‘Cause of Death’ about the work of the Coroner. On Channel 5 and on the catch up.
Tell them to watch this programme- it’s a documentary about three elderly drivers who were not safe to drive, who went on to kill by driving. In those three cases, it was eye sight problems.
It’s very hard hitting and might change their perspective

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I've just watched this. Shocking how atrociously bad those drivers' eyesight was! And for how long!

The system of self-reporting is absolutely unfit for purpose and needs to be changed urgently.

thebigyearahead · 06/07/2025 06:57

CornishTiger · 03/07/2025 18:10

There was a programme the other day. A documentary on those killed by drivers who should have given up their licences prior to the accident.

It was heartbreaking. Can you try and get them to sit down and watch it with you?

Otherwise tell the doctor. Tell the police. And report to DVLA anon

It was ‘Cause of Death’ about the work of the Coroner. On Channel 5 and on the catch up.
Tell them to watch this programme- it’s a documentary about three elderly drivers who were not safe to drive, who went on to kill by driving. In those three cases, it was eye sight problems.
It’s very hard hitting and might change their perspective

Original poster
drivingmetomywitsend · 05/07/2025 21:40

SunDash · 05/07/2025 21:04

What brought on his dizziness as context is everything.
Was it when he was walking outside, or sitting down at home, or standing for 30 mins in a queue?
Is it first thing in the morning, or any time during the day ?
What's his blood pressure like, and is he on blood pressure meds.
Was it a gp or consultant who told him not to drive.
Medication could help him sort it and he could safely drive again.

At the moment he’s being investigated for heart failure - he’s due to see a consultant in the next month or so. He’s collapsed at home several times (doesn’t lose consciousness but often can't remember what happened) and paramedics take him to hospital. Last time he was in (earlier this week) he had a funny turn whilst he was lying on a trolley, I think that was what prompted the doctor there to say he couldn’t drive, as there were no factors such as standing or having eaten to blame. They’re tinkering with his meds, but don’t seem to have found a balance yet - he had another episode on Thursday night, but he went to bed and couldn’t remember anything about it next day…

OP posts:
AngelaBB · 05/07/2025 21:36

I do sympathise with you and your dad. I had this problem with my parents and it got quite nasty. They saw it as an end to their independent life, which I guess it was to a point but as others have said, there could be devastating repercussions and it’s not worth it. Good luck.

SunDash · 05/07/2025 21:04

What brought on his dizziness as context is everything.
Was it when he was walking outside, or sitting down at home, or standing for 30 mins in a queue?
Is it first thing in the morning, or any time during the day ?
What's his blood pressure like, and is he on blood pressure meds.
Was it a gp or consultant who told him not to drive.
Medication could help him sort it and he could safely drive again.

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