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Elderly parents
Original poster

96-year old dad refusing care home or at-home overnight care

29 replies

BlueRaspberry7 · 27/06/2025 11:32

Hi, hope it's ok to post on behalf of my DM (69) who isn't on Mumsnet.

Their DF (my grandpa) is 96 and living independently in a flat. He has no major health issues and no dementia. He is very slow and bent over, increasingly less mobile and he has some digestion problems which prevent him leaving the house much. He can't really cook for himself any more, or clean. He has a cleaner every so often, and a physio who comes every fortnight, and a carer comes by a couple of times a week to make his lunch.

My mum and her sister share the bulk of his care - though my mum lives slightly closer and takes on most of the daily stuff, along with her husband who is great with the DF.

The DF made my mum and auntie sign something saying he would never be put into a care home, and finamcial provision is there for him to have care at home if and when needed.

My DM would like a carer to stay overnights with her DF for 1 week while my auntie is away this summer - as she feels anxious at the idea of him having a fall or an emergency in the night.

He is putting up a fuss about this, saying he doesn't want a stranger in the house.

DM has told her DF he won't have to interact with the carer, he's just there for emergencies.

Can anyone relate to this scenario of an elderly parent who lives independently not accepting the idea of having occasional overnight help at home - to give their adult children a bit of a mental break?

OP posts:
EmeraldRoulette · 27/06/2025 12:33

Very familiar with all of this

So my question is... does your mum realise that if there's some kind of emergency, the default will be for the carer to ring her probably? I don't think the carer would take him to hospital or whatever. So if it's something she'd like in the interest of being able to sleep at night, sadly it may not work.

By the way, whatever they signed, it's not likely to be valid is it? You can't sign something to cover any and all circumstances. Was this legally organised agreement?

Coffeeishot · 27/06/2025 12:22

My gran is long gone but my mum and aunts a few adult gc shared the care and it is such a stressful thing, she had daily carers at lunchtime for meds.and a sandwich and respite twice a year for a week at a time she hated people staying in her house, I do think giving him the either or choice for the week will give him control but it is a definite either or, your Aunty deserves a worry free holiday. Id also see if he will up his daily care.

Original poster
BlueRaspberry7 · 27/06/2025 12:14

Thanks for your thoughts @caramac04 , i think presenting the option of at-home care or a week in respite would probably help his decision along.

OP posts:
caramac04 · 27/06/2025 11:38

Having watched how much strain my dh suffered looking after his df (I did help too but was mainly my dh) I know how difficult this is.
In a similar situation I told my FiL that there was no choice but to go into respite care for a week. I assured him he would come home and we were not leaving him there forever.
FiL not happy but accepted it because it came from me not dh.
Could your dh say the choice is overnight carer or respite and there is no negotiation. It is not going against the (ill-advised) agreement about not going into care.
I predicted my FiL would feel safer with 24 hour care and he did. He only came home for 2 nights and then chose to go back into the care home where he remained until he passed away. So much better for everyone.